Bo Burnham: Words, Words, Words

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(cheers and applause)

THANK YOU.

(laughter)

WHEN I SAY HEY,

YOU SAY HO.

HEY.

HO!

HEY.

HO!

THAT'S BASICALLY HOW HITLER

ROSE TO POWER.

(laughter,

soft piano music plays)

MY SHOW:

IS A LITTLE BIT SILLY

AND A LITTLE BI PRETENTIOUS

LIKE SHAKESPEARE'S WILLIE

OR NOAM CHOMSKY:

WEARING A STRAP-ON

IT'S ALSO A LITTLE BIT GAY

AND A LITTLE BIT OFFENSIVE

LIKE THANKSGIVING DAY

OR NOAM CHOMSKY:

WEARING A STRAP... ON

SO PUT YOUR CELL PHONES

TO VIBRATE:

AND PUT YOUR VIBRATORS

TO CELL-PHONE MODE

AND WELCOME TO THE SHOW

IT GOES A LITTLE BI LIKE THIS--JOKE

EXACTLY,

WELCOME TO MY FLOW

IT FLOWS A LITTLE BI LIKE THIS

WITH A RAP AND A DISS

THEN A SWIFT RAP ON THE WRIS A RAP AND A KISS

LIKE HERSHEY'S WRAPPIN'

A KISS, SH*T

I GOT A SHOW:

THAT'LL TEST YOUR KIDS

AND I'D ASK ONE QUESTION,

AND THE QUESTION IS

WHAT'S FUNNY?

WHAT'S FUNNY,

WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY?

WHAT'S FUNNY,

WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY?

FUNNY, FU-FUNNY

WHAT'S FUNNY

WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,

WHAT'S FUNNY?

WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,

WHAT'S FUNNY?

FUNNY, OH, YEAH

HUMOR IS OFTEN LINKED

TO SHARED EXPERIENCE

LIKE A GUY GETS UP AND SAYS

HAVE YOU NOTICED

THAT PUBLIC RESTROOMS HAVE

REALLY INEFFICIENT HAND DRYERS

OH, MY GOD,

YES, I HAVE

HA HA HA,

REALLY GOOD POINT

THEY SHOULD FIX THAT

IT'S GOOD TO KNOW

THAT SOMEBODY FINALLY GETS ME

'CAUSE MY WIFE DIVORCED ME

WHICH SUBCONSCIOUSLY FORCED ME

TO LOSE ALL SENSE OF SELF

SO IT'S NICE TO THINK

ABOUT HAND DRYERS

AND NOT THAT CHEATING WHORE

BECAUSE STAND-UP COMEDY

IS ACTUALLY PRETTY EASY

IF YOU'RE AN ASIAN COMIC

JUST GET UP AND SAY

MY MOTHER'S GO THE WEIRDEST F***IN' ACCENT

THEN JUST DO:

A CHINESE ACCENT

'CAUSE EVERYBODY LAUGHS

AT THE CHINESE ACCENT

BECAUSE THEY PRIVATELY THOUGH YOUR PEOPLE WERE LAUGHABLE

NOW YOU'VE GIVEN THEM

THE CHANCE:

TO EXPRESS THAT IN PUBLIC

OH, YEAH,

IF YOU'RE A MUSICAL COMIC

JUST GIVE 'EM A LITTLE WEIRD

VOICE INFLECTION

THEN TAKE A VIAGRA

AND SLAP 'EM

WITH A ROCK-HARD MISDIRECTION

OH, WHAT'S FUNNY?

WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,

WHAT'S FUNNY?

WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,

WHAT'S FUNNY?

FUNNY, FU-FUNNY

TOURETTES!

WHAT'S FUNNY?

WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,

WHAT'S FUNNY?

WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,

WHAT'S FUNNY?

FUNNY, OH

AND THE AUDIENCE SAYS,

WHEN I WAS A BABY

MAYBE I LAUGHED AT PEOPLE

JIGGLING KEYS:

NOW I'M OLDER

AND BOLDER AND JUST GET MAD

'CAUSE I NOTICE THAT THE KEYS

ARE TO A HUMMER:

F*** MY LIFE,

I DON'T F*** MY WIFE

SO F*** MY WIFE

AND F*** MY LIFE

AND MY SON IS GAY,

BUT NOT SITCOM GAY

DAUGHTER'S A WHORE

LIKE ANOTHER GIRL

THAT USED TO BE YOUR MOTHER

BUT THE MARRIAGE

MADE HER MISS MARY AMERICANA

I WANNA TEAM WITH

THAT SCREAMIN' PRIMA DONNA

BUT THE RADICAL FEMINISTS

MADE MY WIFE A MAN

OH, AND IF I DIE HAPPY

THE SITUATION:

WILL BE AUTOEROTIC

ASPHYXIATION:

I HATE MY LIFE:

AND IT HATES ME BACK

AND MY FRIEND IS BLACK

BUT I DON'T KNOW

WHAT TO CALL HIM

SO I JUST CALL HIM

"WHAT UP, JAMAL?"

(laughter)

EVEN THOUGH HIS NAME

IS STEVE:

I HATE MY JOB,

I HATE MY LIFE:

HATE MY KIDS,

I HATE MY WIFE:

JEWS DON'T I KNOW I DO IT,

JUDAS BEAT ME TO IT

I'M SLOWLY SLIPPING

INTO A SOLIPSISTIC COMA

AND I MASTURBATE

'CAUSE I'M THE ONLY ONE

WHOSE STANDARDS:

ARE LOW ENOUGH TO F*** ME

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

WHAT'S FUNNY?

WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,

WHAT'S FUNNY?

WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,

WHAT'S FUNNY?

FUNNY, FU-FUNNY

(pops) IT'S A BOY.

WHAT'S FUNNY?

WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,

WHAT'S FUNNY?

WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,

WHAT'S FUNNY?

FUNNY, YEAH

HOPEFULLY THIS:

(plays finale)

(raspberry)

THANK YOU.

(cheers and applause)

THANK YOU.

MY EX-GIRLFRIEND

HAD A REALLY WEIRD FETISH.

SHE USED TO LIKE TO DRESS UP

AS HERSELF:

AND THEN ACT LIKE

A F***IN' B*TCH ALL THE TIME.

(laughter)

BUT YOU KNOW,

THEY SAY IF YOU WANNA KNOW

WHAT A GIRL'S GONNA LOOK LIKE,

LOOK AT HER MOTHER,

YOU KNOW, SO I'M SO GLAD

I BROKE UP WITH HER,

'CAUSE SHE WOULD'VE BEEN,

YOU KNOW...

DEAD.

(laughter and groaning)

(woman)

I WANT YOUR BABY!

I'M KEEPING HIM.

GUYS, I'M A REALIST!

I'M A REALIST.

I TRY NOT TO ROMANTICIZE

REALITY.

YOU KNOW, LIKE WHEN LIFE

GIVES YOU LEMONS,

YOU PROBABLY:

JUST FOUND LEMONS.

BUT AT THE SAME TIME,

I DON'T DENY THE BEAUTY

IN THE WORLD:

'CAUSE THERE IS SO MUCH BEAUTY,

BECAUSE LIFE:

CAN BE SO SYMMETRICAL,

IT GIVES BIRTH TO THIS

ALMOST SILENT POETRY,

YOU KNOW, LIKE A HERMAPHRODITE

PLAYING THE KEYTAR,

OR A YOUNG AMISH BOY TRYING TO

BLOW OUT THE LIGHT BULBS

ON HIS BIRTHDAY CAKE,

OR A GIRL--A GIRL

WHO'S TERRIBLE AT GRAMMAR

SAYING, "MAMA,

YOU RAISED ME GOOD."

AND THEN BEING PUSHED

DOWN A WELL.

SYMMETRY.

HERE'S SOME RACIAL HUMOR

FOR YOU.

WHITE PEOPLE ARE LIKE THIS--

"EH."

BLACK PEOPLE ARE LIKE THIS--

"WHA."

WE'RE DESTINED TO FIGHT FOREVER.

BLOOD IN THE STREETS.

(laughter)

IF I HAD A DIME--HA!

IF I HAD A DIME FOR EVERY TIME

A HOMELESS GUY:

ASKED ME FOR CHANGE,

I'D STILL SAY, "NO."

(laughter)

NO. NOPE.

YO' MAMA SO FAT!

YO' MAMA SO UGLY!

YO' MAMA SO STUPID!

YOUR MOTHER'S BREASTS SAG

WITH SUCH SEVERITY

THAT THE LATE GREA SURREALIST ARTIST SALVADOR DALI

MISTOOK THEM FOR CLOCKS.

(laughter and applause)

UM, THANK YOU.

I--I BELIEVE--

I BELIEVE FIRMLY

THAT WOMEN ARE ALWAYS RIGHT.

(cheers and applause)

I DO. I DO.

OH,

I SHOULD REPHRASE THAT.

I, UH...

DON'T.

MEN AND WOMEN:

THIS SONG IS CALLED

"MEN AND WOMEN"!

MEN ARE LIKE VOWS

'CAUSE THEY'RE

EASILY BROKEN:

OH, YEAH

WOMEN ARE LIKE COWS

'CAUSE THEY BOTH HAVE

VAGINAS:

MEN ARE LIKE MUZZLES

BECAUSE THEY'LL

TRY TO SHUT YOU UP

OH, YEAH

WOMEN ARE LIKE PUZZLES

'CAUSE PRIOR TO 1920,

NEITHER HAD THE RIGHT TO VOTE

PUZZLES STILL DON'T

OH,

A MAN IS AN EAGLE

YEAH,

A WOMAN IS A DOVE

WOMEN CAN FAKE ORGASMS

BUT MEN CAN FAKE LOVE

(cheers and applause)

WOMEN ARE LIKE FINGERS

AND TOES:

'CAUSE THEY'RE EASY

TO COUNT ON:

(audience aws)

IT'S CUTE.

(laughter)

MEN ARE LIKE RAVENS

AND CROWS:

'CAUSE THEY HATE

USING CONDOMS:

(laughter and applause)

WHAT?

WOMEN ARE LIKE YAHTZEES,

OH, YEAH

'CAUSE I RARELY GET THEM

I DON'T.

MEN ARE LIKE NAZIS

'CAUSE THEY BOTH CAUSED

THE HOLOCAUST:

IT'S TRUE.

OH, YEAH

FOR EVERY DOLLAR

THAT A MAN MAKES

A WOMAN MAKES 70 CENTS

THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE,

THAT'S NOT FAIR

THE MAN'S ONLY LEF WITH 30

MEN AND WOMEN:

OH, MEN AND WOMEN,

IT'S BLACK AND WHITE

WITH AN AREA OF GRAY

FOR HERMAPHRODITE

OH, YEAH

OH, WELL, YEAH

MALE STRIPPERS:

ALWAYS LOOK LIKE

THEY'RE APPLYING LOTION

AND FEMALE STRIPPERS WHEN

THEY'RE DANCING ON THE POLE

JUST LOOK LIKE:

CONFUSED FIREMEN

THANKS.

(cheers and applause)

THANK YOU.

(man)

PICK THAT WEDGE!

(mocking laugh)

(laughter)

(audience member

wolf whistles)

I'M 19 YEARS OLD.

I'M A YOUNG COMEDIAN.

I HATE THAT TERM

"YOUNG COMEDIAN."

I PREFER "PRODIGY."

AND PEOPLE PIGEONHOLE ME,

YOU KNOW, AS A COMIC,

WHICH IS SO DISINGENUOUS.

'CAUSE I'M NOT A COMEDIAN.

I'M AN ARTIST.

AND I DON'T DO COMEDY SHOWS.

I DO ONE-MAN SHOWS.

I'VE BEEN DOING THEM--

1998 WAS MY FIRST ONE-MAN SHOW.

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