Bo Burnham: Words, Words, Words Page #2

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IT WAS A SHOW ABOUT JEWS

IN NAZI GERMANY:

CALLED:

"UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS."

(light laughter)

NO, NO, NO, WATCH AND THEN JUDGE.

THIS IS A SCENE:

FROM "UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS."

(clears throat)

HEY.

SHH!

THEN IN '99--

(laughter and applause)

'99, I DID A PIECE CALLED

"THE CATHOLIC ORGASM."

I'LL DO A SCENE FROM THAT.

(moans, sobs)

2000...UM...

2000, I DID A PIECE CALLED

"THE INAPPROPRIATE MUSICIAN."

MIKE...

MIKE, BACK OFF THE LEDGE,

MIKE.

MIKE,

THINK ABOUT YOUR KIDS.

YOU WANT THEM TO GROW UP

WITHOUT A FATHER?

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT, MIKE?

MIKE, PLEASE, LISTEN TO ME!

I'M YOUR FRIEND! MIKE!

MIKE, NO, MIKE!

NO, MIKE!

(plays descending note)

(plays ascending note)

HE'S SAVED.

AND THEN IN, UM, 2001,

I DID JOHN STEINBECK'S

"THE GRAPES OF WRATH,"

EXCEPT I ADAPTED I INTO A STORY

ABOUT AN INTERGALACTIC SEXUAL

PREDATOR:

CALLED "THE RAPES OF GRATH."

(laughter)

2002, I DID A PIECE--

IF YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH

THE PIECE "THE ELEPHANT MAN"

I DID A PIECE BASED OFF THA CALLED "BULLDOG MAN"

AND I'LL DO A MONOLOGUE

FROM THAT RIGHT NOW.

(laughter)

2000, UH...

(cheers and applause)

2000--THANK YOU.

THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.

I GOT A DANZA NOMINATION

FOR THAT.

IT'S RIGHT AFTER THE TONYS.

2000--

2003 I DID A PIECE

CALLED "THE NATIVE AMERICAN

IN THE MAGIC SHOW."

HOW?

(laughter)

2004, I DID A PIECE CALLED

"SMEAGOL FROM LORD OF THE RINGS

HAVING SEX WITH A BLACK GIRL.

(imitates Gollum)

OH! PRECIOUS.

(laughter and applause)

TWO THOU...

2005, I DID A PIECE CALLED

"CHARLIE BROWN

GETTING MOLESTED."

(clears throat)

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

HELLO, IS ANYBODY HERE?

(imitates "Charlie Brown"

adult speech)

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

LET GO OF ME!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

(rhythmically imitates

"Charlie Brown" adult speech)

GOOD GRIEF!

SO, 2000, UM..

(cheers and applause)

THANK YOU. YEAH.

THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.

2005, 6? 5?

DOESN'T MATTER.

I'M LYING.

2000--

(laughter)

2006, I DID A PIECE CALLED

"THE FIGURE SKATER'S FATHER."

MY SON?

WHAT DOES HE DO?

HE'S A, UH...

HE'S AN ATHLETE.

WHAT KIND OF ATHLETE?

HE'S A, UH...

HE'S A F--

HE A--

HE'S A F--

(women scream)

2000...

(laughter)

2007, I DID A PIECE CALLED

"THE JUGGLER'S WIFE."

"PLEASE STOP JUGGLING!"

2008...

I DID A DARK PIECE THAT CAUSED

A LOT OF CONTROVERSY

BECAUSE I PLAYED A SLAVE

IN THE 1780s,

BUT I DIDN'T WEAR MAKEUP,

'CAUSE AS AN ARTIST,

I FEEL I'M QUALIFIED

TO TELL ANY STORY.

AND IT WAS:

A PIECE CALLED "WHIPLASHES,"

AND IT'S RAW, HARD ART,

SO IF YOU'RE AVERSE TO THAT,

YOU MIGHT WANT TO LOOK AWAY.

BUT THIS IS THE CLIMACTIC SCENE

FROM "WHIPLASHES."

YOU'LL HAVE TO ANSWER

TO GOD FOR THIS.

(imitates whip crack)

OW.

(laughter)

YOU'RE A DICK.

AND THEN, UM...

2009,

WHICH IS THE FINAL PIECE

BEFORE THE PIECE

I'M DOING CURRENTLY, UM...

I DID:

A REALLY EMOTIONAL PIECE.

IT MEANS A LOT TO ME,

SO FORGIVE ME IF I BREAK DOWN,

BUT IT'S CALLED

THE "THE BOY AND HIS DOG."

IT GOES LIKE THIS.

GET OUT OF HERE, ALL RIGHT?

GO, PLEASE.

I CAN'T AFFORD TO KEEP YOU

ANYMORE, I JUST CAN'T.

JUST...DON'T MAKE THIS HARDER

THAN IT HAS TO BE.

JUST--I HATE YOU.

IS THAT WHAT YOU NEED

TO HEAR FROM ME?

I HATE YOU, OKAY?

I HATE YOU.

(voice breaks)

I HATE YOU!

AND IT'S JUST NOT ME.

MY DOG HATES MEXICANS,

TOO.

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

OH, GOD.

GOTTA LOVE IRONY.

I, UM...

I BELIEVE IN THE ZODIAC.

I DO, I DO, COMPLETELY.

I'M A LEO.

I LOVE "TITANIC."

BUT THIS IS SOMETHING

A LITTLE BIT MORBIDLY IRONIC.

MY GRANDMOTHER,

SHE WAS A CANCER,

AND SHE:

WAS ACTUALLY KILLED

BY A GIANT CRAB.

(laughter)

THIS IS A SONG:

ABOUT THE IDEA OF IRONY.

SO STRAP IN.

(lively piano music plays)

MY DOG'S STOMACH

WAS VERY UPSET:

SO I PUT HIM IN THE CAR,

AND WE WENT TO THE VET

AND ON OUR WAY TO THE VET

I KILLED A CAT:

HEY,

I SAID ISN'T THAT IRONIC?

I ADOPTED A CHILD

FROM OVERSEAS:

TO RESCUE HIM:

FROM CHILD-LABOR FACTORIES

AND ON HIS:

VERY FIRST BIRTHDAY

WE WEN TO BUILD-A-BEAR WORKSHOP

ISN'T THAT IRONIC?

ISN'T THAT I-R-O-N-I-C

I-N-O-R-I-R-O-N-I-C

WATER PARK:

IS BURNED TO THE GROUND

AND A TOW TRUCK:

HAS BROKEN DOWN:

I ALWAYS USED TO CRY

WHEN I LAUGHED:

AND THEN I WAS RAPED

BY A CLOWN:

(laughter)

ISN'T--

I WAS WATCHING AL GORE

ON CNN:

HE WAS TALKING AND TALKING

AND TALKING AND THEN

OUT OF BOREDOM MY PE POLAR BEAR SHOT HIMSELF

ISN'T THAT IRONIC?

I DATED:

AN ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVIST

AND ONE DAY:

SHE GOT REALLY PISSED

BECAUSE I WAS EATING VEAL

THAT WAS WRAPPED IN PITA BREAD

PETA? F*** IT.

(laughter)

ISN'T THAT I-R-O-N-I-C

I-N-O-R-I-R-O-N-I-C?

YEAH,

I'M A STAND-UP COMIC

AND I ALWAYS SI AND SLOUCH

AND I GO MY GIRLFRIEND PREGNANT

ON MY STERILE UNCLE'S

PULL-OUT COUCH

(chuckles)

ISN'T IT IRONIC?

I-R-O-N-I-C

YEAH, IF EVERY DAY YOU PLAY

THE BOARD GAME RISK

YOU'VE PROBABLY NEVER TAKEN

A RISK IN YOUR LIFE

AND MONOPOLY:

HAS FAR FROM A STRANGLEHOLD

ON THE BOARD GAME MARKET

A LITTLE KID DIED

FROM SUFFOCATION

WHEN HE CHOKED ON A GAME PIECE

FROM OPERATION:

AND I CAN'T GROW A BEARD

THAT ONE'S NOT IRONIC

THAT ONE'S JUST SAD

(laughter)

YEAH, BOB BARKER

GOT ALL OF MY PETS PREGNANT

(laughter)

MY GRANDFATHER:

HAD ALZHEIMER'S

AND ONE DAY, WE WERE

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

(man)

TAKE IT OFF, BIG BOY!

THANK YOU,

IT'S A MEDIUM.

UM...

(laughter)

WE LIVE IN A BINARY REALITY.

WE DO.

IT'S A WORLD OF BLACK

AND WHITE.

THERE'S ONLY TWO TYPES

OF PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD,

YOU KNOW,

THOSE WHO CAN FINISH LISTS...

WHAT IS ART?

WHAT IS ART?

IS ART SOMETHING GAY PEOPLE DO

TO GET BACK AT THEIR FATHERS?

COULD BE.

WHAT IS AN ARTIST?

WHAT MAKES A GREAT ARTIST,

GREAT ARTISTS LIKE MYSELF,

LIKE THE GREAT DIRECTOR

MICHAEL BAY.

LIKE THE GREAT IRISH ACTOR,

SHAQUILLE O'NEAL.

WE ASK QUESTIONS, YOU KNOW?

QUESTIONS NOBODY ELSE

DARES TO ASK.

QUESTIONS LIKE...

WHERE ARE ALL:

THE SOUR PATCH PARENTS?

QUESTIONS LIKE:

IF MICKEY'S A MOUSE

AND MINNIE'S A MOUSE,

AND DONALD'S A DUCK,

AND DAISY AND GOOFY,

IF THEY'RE ALL ANIMALS,

AND THEY CAN TALK,

WHY IS PLUTO JUST A F***IN' DOG?

WHY--DID THEY JUST FORGET TO

ANTHROPOMORPHIZE HIM, OR WORSE,

IS MICKEY KEEPING A MENTALLY

HANDICAPPED DUDE AS PET?

I'M NOT MAKING LIGHT OF IT.

THAT'S F***ED UP.

HOW DOES IT FIT INTO

THAT UNIVERSE, THAT PARADIGM?

GOOFY'S A DOG. HE'S TALKING.

THIS ONE, CRAWLING AROUND.

(laughter)

GUYS, I WOULD NEVER BASH DISNEY.

I WOULD NEVER BASH DISNEY.

I THINK DISNEY TEACHES

YOUNG KIDS:

SUCH IMPORTANT LESSONS.

THE PRINCESS FAIRY TALES

TEACH YOUNG GIRLS

SUCH IMPORTANT LESSONS.

YOU KNOW, LIKE CINDERELLA,

IT DOESN'T MATTER

WHERE YOU COME FROM

OR HOW POOR YOU ARE AS LONG

AS YOU'RE INCREDIBLY HOT.

(laughter)

SNOW WHITE, YOU KNOW, WHICH

ENCOURAGES CHILDREN TO,

YOU KNOW,

GIVE MIDGETS NICKNAMES.

SLEEPING BEAUTY,

YOU KNOW,

WHICH ENCOURAGES, UH...

DATE RAPE.

MAYBE NOT--

MAYBE NOT THAT ONE.

I WAS DOING A SHOW RECENTLY

ON THE BORDER:

OF HANNAH, MONTANA,

AND SOUTH DAKOTA FANNING.

AND A GUY CAME UP TO ME

AFTER THE SHOW,

AND SAID, "BO, WHY DON' YOU EVER TELL STORIES

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