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Bo Burnham: Words, Words, Words Page #2
- TV-MA
- Year:
- 2010
- 63 min
- 590 Views
IT WAS A SHOW ABOUT JEWS
IN NAZI GERMANY:
CALLED:
"UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS."
(light laughter)
NO, NO, NO, WATCH AND THEN JUDGE.
THIS IS A SCENE:
FROM "UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS."
(clears throat)
HEY.
SHH!
THEN IN '99--
(laughter and applause)
'99, I DID A PIECE CALLED
"THE CATHOLIC ORGASM."
I'LL DO A SCENE FROM THAT.
(moans, sobs)
2000...UM...
2000, I DID A PIECE CALLED
"THE INAPPROPRIATE MUSICIAN."
MIKE...
MIKE.
MIKE,
THINK ABOUT YOUR KIDS.
YOU WANT THEM TO GROW UP
WITHOUT A FATHER?
MIKE, PLEASE, LISTEN TO ME!
I'M YOUR FRIEND! MIKE!
MIKE, NO, MIKE!
NO, MIKE!
(plays descending note)
(plays ascending note)
HE'S SAVED.
AND THEN IN, UM, 2001,
I DID JOHN STEINBECK'S
EXCEPT I ADAPTED I INTO A STORY
ABOUT AN INTERGALACTIC SEXUAL
PREDATOR:
(laughter)
2002, I DID A PIECE--
IF YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH
I DID A PIECE BASED OFF THA CALLED "BULLDOG MAN"
AND I'LL DO A MONOLOGUE
FROM THAT RIGHT NOW.
(laughter)
2000, UH...
(cheers and applause)
2000--THANK YOU.
THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.
I GOT A DANZA NOMINATION
FOR THAT.
2000--
2003 I DID A PIECE
CALLED "THE NATIVE AMERICAN
IN THE MAGIC SHOW."
HOW?
(laughter)
2004, I DID A PIECE CALLED
"SMEAGOL FROM LORD OF THE RINGS
HAVING SEX WITH A BLACK GIRL.
(imitates Gollum)
OH! PRECIOUS.
(laughter and applause)
TWO THOU...
2005, I DID A PIECE CALLED
"CHARLIE BROWN
GETTING MOLESTED."
(clears throat)
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HELLO, IS ANYBODY HERE?
(imitates "Charlie Brown"
adult speech)
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
LET GO OF ME!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
(rhythmically imitates
"Charlie Brown" adult speech)
GOOD GRIEF!
SO, 2000, UM..
(cheers and applause)
THANK YOU. YEAH.
THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.
2005, 6? 5?
DOESN'T MATTER.
I'M LYING.
2000--
(laughter)
2006, I DID A PIECE CALLED
"THE FIGURE SKATER'S FATHER."
MY SON?
WHAT DOES HE DO?
HE'S A, UH...
HE'S AN ATHLETE.
WHAT KIND OF ATHLETE?
HE'S A, UH...
HE'S A F--
HE A--
HE'S A F--
(women scream)
2000...
(laughter)
2007, I DID A PIECE CALLED
"THE JUGGLER'S WIFE."
"PLEASE STOP JUGGLING!"
2008...
I DID A DARK PIECE THAT CAUSED
A LOT OF CONTROVERSY
BECAUSE I PLAYED A SLAVE
IN THE 1780s,
BUT I DIDN'T WEAR MAKEUP,
'CAUSE AS AN ARTIST,
I FEEL I'M QUALIFIED
TO TELL ANY STORY.
AND IT WAS:
A PIECE CALLED "WHIPLASHES,"
AND IT'S RAW, HARD ART,
SO IF YOU'RE AVERSE TO THAT,
BUT THIS IS THE CLIMACTIC SCENE
FROM "WHIPLASHES."
YOU'LL HAVE TO ANSWER
TO GOD FOR THIS.
(imitates whip crack)
OW.
(laughter)
YOU'RE A DICK.
AND THEN, UM...
2009,
WHICH IS THE FINAL PIECE
BEFORE THE PIECE
I'M DOING CURRENTLY, UM...
I DID:
A REALLY EMOTIONAL PIECE.
SO FORGIVE ME IF I BREAK DOWN,
BUT IT'S CALLED
THE "THE BOY AND HIS DOG."
IT GOES LIKE THIS.
GO, PLEASE.
ANYMORE, I JUST CAN'T.
JUST...DON'T MAKE THIS HARDER
THAN IT HAS TO BE.
JUST--I HATE YOU.
TO HEAR FROM ME?
I HATE YOU, OKAY?
I HATE YOU.
(voice breaks)
I HATE YOU!
AND IT'S JUST NOT ME.
MY DOG HATES MEXICANS,
TOO.
(laughter)
(cheers and applause)
OH, GOD.
GOTTA LOVE IRONY.
I, UM...
I BELIEVE IN THE ZODIAC.
I DO, I DO, COMPLETELY.
I'M A LEO.
I LOVE "TITANIC."
BUT THIS IS SOMETHING
A LITTLE BIT MORBIDLY IRONIC.
MY GRANDMOTHER,
SHE WAS A CANCER,
AND SHE:
WAS ACTUALLY KILLED
BY A GIANT CRAB.
(laughter)
THIS IS A SONG:
SO STRAP IN.
(lively piano music plays)
MY DOG'S STOMACH
WAS VERY UPSET:
SO I PUT HIM IN THE CAR,
AND WE WENT TO THE VET
AND ON OUR WAY TO THE VET
I KILLED A CAT:
HEY,
I ADOPTED A CHILD
FROM OVERSEAS:
TO RESCUE HIM:
FROM CHILD-LABOR FACTORIES
AND ON HIS:
VERY FIRST BIRTHDAY
WE WEN TO BUILD-A-BEAR WORKSHOP
ISN'T THAT IRONIC?
ISN'T THAT I-R-O-N-I-C
I-N-O-R-I-R-O-N-I-C
WATER PARK:
IS BURNED TO THE GROUND
AND A TOW TRUCK:
HAS BROKEN DOWN:
WHEN I LAUGHED:
AND THEN I WAS RAPED
BY A CLOWN:
(laughter)
ISN'T--
ON CNN:
AND TALKING AND THEN
OUT OF BOREDOM MY PE POLAR BEAR SHOT HIMSELF
ISN'T THAT IRONIC?
I DATED:
AN ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVIST
AND ONE DAY:
SHE GOT REALLY PISSED
BECAUSE I WAS EATING VEAL
THAT WAS WRAPPED IN PITA BREAD
PETA? F*** IT.
(laughter)
ISN'T THAT I-R-O-N-I-C
I-N-O-R-I-R-O-N-I-C?
YEAH,
I'M A STAND-UP COMIC
AND I ALWAYS SI AND SLOUCH
AND I GO MY GIRLFRIEND PREGNANT
ON MY STERILE UNCLE'S
PULL-OUT COUCH
(chuckles)
ISN'T IT IRONIC?
I-R-O-N-I-C
THE BOARD GAME RISK
AND MONOPOLY:
HAS FAR FROM A STRANGLEHOLD
A LITTLE KID DIED
FROM SUFFOCATION
WHEN HE CHOKED ON A GAME PIECE
FROM OPERATION:
AND I CAN'T GROW A BEARD
THAT ONE'S NOT IRONIC
THAT ONE'S JUST SAD
(laughter)
YEAH, BOB BARKER
(laughter)
MY GRANDFATHER:
HAD ALZHEIMER'S
(laughter)
(cheers and applause)
(man)
THANK YOU,
IT'S A MEDIUM.
UM...
(laughter)
WE LIVE IN A BINARY REALITY.
WE DO.
AND WHITE.
THERE'S ONLY TWO TYPES
YOU KNOW,
THOSE WHO CAN FINISH LISTS...
WHAT IS ART?
WHAT IS ART?
IS ART SOMETHING GAY PEOPLE DO
TO GET BACK AT THEIR FATHERS?
COULD BE.
WHAT IS AN ARTIST?
WHAT MAKES A GREAT ARTIST,
GREAT ARTISTS LIKE MYSELF,
LIKE THE GREAT DIRECTOR
MICHAEL BAY.
SHAQUILLE O'NEAL.
WE ASK QUESTIONS, YOU KNOW?
QUESTIONS NOBODY ELSE
DARES TO ASK.
QUESTIONS LIKE...
WHERE ARE ALL:
THE SOUR PATCH PARENTS?
QUESTIONS LIKE:
IF MICKEY'S A MOUSE
AND MINNIE'S A MOUSE,
AND DONALD'S A DUCK,
IF THEY'RE ALL ANIMALS,
AND THEY CAN TALK,
WHY IS PLUTO JUST A F***IN' DOG?
WHY--DID THEY JUST FORGET TO
ANTHROPOMORPHIZE HIM, OR WORSE,
IS MICKEY KEEPING A MENTALLY
HANDICAPPED DUDE AS PET?
I'M NOT MAKING LIGHT OF IT.
THAT'S F***ED UP.
THAT UNIVERSE, THAT PARADIGM?
GOOFY'S A DOG. HE'S TALKING.
THIS ONE, CRAWLING AROUND.
(laughter)
GUYS, I WOULD NEVER BASH DISNEY.
I WOULD NEVER BASH DISNEY.
I THINK DISNEY TEACHES
YOUNG KIDS:
SUCH IMPORTANT LESSONS.
THE PRINCESS FAIRY TALES
TEACH YOUNG GIRLS
SUCH IMPORTANT LESSONS.
YOU KNOW, LIKE CINDERELLA,
IT DOESN'T MATTER
WHERE YOU COME FROM
AS YOU'RE INCREDIBLY HOT.
(laughter)
SNOW WHITE, YOU KNOW, WHICH
ENCOURAGES CHILDREN TO,
YOU KNOW,
GIVE MIDGETS NICKNAMES.
SLEEPING BEAUTY,
YOU KNOW,
WHICH ENCOURAGES, UH...
DATE RAPE.
MAYBE NOT--
MAYBE NOT THAT ONE.
I WAS DOING A SHOW RECENTLY
ON THE BORDER:
OF HANNAH, MONTANA,
AND SOUTH DAKOTA FANNING.
AFTER THE SHOW,
AND SAID, "BO, WHY DON' YOU EVER TELL STORIES
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