Bo Burnham: Words, Words, Words Page #3

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ABOUT PEOPLE COMING UP TO YOU

AFTER THE SHOW?"

AND I SAID,

"'CAUSE THEY'RE NEVER FUNNY."

(light laughter)

(man)

I WOULD F*** YOU.

(mocking laugh)

THIS IS A LISTENING SHOW.

(laughter)

UM...

(light applause)

YEAH.

BE QUIET, AMERICA DOESN' WANT TO HEAR YOU CLAP.

DO IT, THOUGH,

WHEN I NEED IT.

(scattered clapping)

WHEN I NEED IT!

(laughter)

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED

A BLACK GIRLFRIEND,

NOT AS JOKE,

JUST 'CAUSE LIKE,

THEN WHEN WE 69,

I CAN CALL IT "YIN YANGING."

(audience groans, applause)

GUYS, SEE--

EASY, LOOK,

IT'S 21st-CENTURY RACISM.

IT'S RACISM

IN LIGHT OF ITSELF.

THE ONLY REASON I'M MAKING THESE

CLAIMS IS BECAUSE THE STIGMAS

ABOUT RACE ARE ALREADY THERE

AND I'M JUST PLAYING OFF THAT.

'CAUSE I THINK RACISM ITSELF

IS SO RIDICULOUS,

AND THEY UNDERSTAND THAT,

SO IF AFTER THE SHOW,

YOU SEE A BLACK GUY

BEATING ME UP,

HE'S DOING IT IRONICALLY.

OKAY?

(audience members shouting)

(laughter)

(woman)

I'LL SLEEP WITH YOU!

(laughter)

(woman) WE ALL WILL!

(audience members shouting)

YA DONE?

(laughter)

OF COURSE ALL THE WOMEN THA SAID THAT WERE IN THE DARK.

I, UM...

(laughter)

NO, I BET YOU'RE GORGEOUS

IN THE DARK.

UM...

OKAY.

(slow piano music plays)

(tempo increases)

I'M A FEMININE EMINEM

A SLIM SHADY LADY BUT NICE

'CAUSE I TEXTED HAITI

90 LADY COPS IN THE ROAD

AND I'M ARRESTED

FOR DOIN' 80

LIKE HAMLET, I'M ABOUT WORDS,

WORDS, WORDS

DIVIDE A WHOLE INTO THIRDS,

THIRDS, THIRDS

I'M A GAY SEA OTTER

I BLOW OTHER DUDES

OUT OF THE WATER

I'M THE MAN-MUFFIN

DIVIN' MUFFIN,

COLD AND FLY:

LIKE AN ARCTIC PUFFIN'

PUFFIN' WACKY-TOBACCY

HATIN' OTHER RAPPERS

LIKE I'M HUGGIN' PATAKI

AND I'VE BEEN ROCKIN' THIS MIC

BEFORE ELECTRICITY

WAY BACK IN 1,000 B.C.E.

THAT'S BEFORE

THE COMIN' ERA--

(imitates record scratching)

OH, GOD, CAN'T BE STOPPED

FLOW SO SICK:

THAT IT SHOULD BE MOPPED UP

CHICK'S GOT A DIXIE CUP

I GOT A DICK FULL OF HELIUM,

I'LL F*** YOU UP

A BOY, A GIRL,

A MIDDLE-AGED B*TCH

BOTOX IN THE THIRD PERSON

I GAVE THE PERSPECTIVE

A SWITCH AND:

BOTOX IN THE THIRD PERSON

OH, JUST RELAX

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW ME

HERE'S TWO FACTS

I HATE CATCHY CHORUSES

AND I'M A HYPOCRITE

(laughter)

SAID I HATE:

CATCHY CHORUSES:

AND I'M A HYPOCRITE

YEAH!

MET A GIRL NAMED MACY

I HAD SEX WITH HER

ALL DAY:

BUT SHE WAS DYSLEXIC

SO I ENDED UP:

DOING THE YMCA:

WE BALL IN ASIAN

WE BOWL IN PROSTATE CANCER

SEMICOLON:

FIND THAT HOLE:

LIKE I'M STEPHEN HAWKING

ATTICUS FINCH,

KILLING, MOCKING

CRY LIKE A CHILD WOULD

YOU RAPED MY CHILDHOOD

JUST STROLLIN',

ROLLIN' YOUR POLE IN

TO ROLY-POLLY

OLLY'S COLON

TO RELAX THE MIND

I TAKE A WALK BY THE CLOCK,

AND I PASS THE TIME

AND RHYMIN'

MATHEMATICAL TIMING

SYNTAX IMPACTS:

THE INTACT TIMIN'

I'M AN INTERNET PROVIDER

CAME FROM THE WEB

LIKE A HORNY SPIDER

KISSED A GIRL:

IN AN APPLE ORCHARD

THEN SLIPPED IN CIDER

("inside her")

I THOUGHT AIDS:

WAS A BUTT VIRUS

LIKE CONJUNCTION JUNCTION

CONJUNCTIVITIS:

I SPIT GOLD BARS 'CAUSE I WAS

MOLESTED BY MY UNCLE MIDAS

GAY DADS BLOW POPS,

ANOTHER SUCKER:

OEDIPUS:

WAS THE FIRST MOTHER F***ER

I HATE CATCHY CHORUSES

AND I'M A HYPOCRITE

HUNGRY,

HUNGRY HYPOCRITE

I HATE CATCHY CHORUSES

AND I'M A HYPOCRITE

WE THE PEOPLE OF USA

JOSE, WE'RE NOT TALKING

TO YOU, ESSE

WE GOT A BORDER IN ORDER

TO KEEP YOU OUT:

IT'S WHAT MY NYU ESSAY

IS ABOUT:

'CAUSE WE'RE SOUTH OF HEAVEN,

NORTH OF HELL:

BUY, BUY, BUY, BUY,

BUY, BUY, SELL

WE GUARD THE BORDER

AND WE GUARD IT WELL

BUT SOME SLIP THROUGH THE

CRACKS OF THE LIBERTY BELL

DID I SAY LIBERTY?

I MEANT TACO, PACO

HEY, YOU BETTER

LET THAT ROCK GO

'CAUSE IN REAL LIFE,

GOLIATH WINS:

SELLS ALL THE SILK

THAT THE WIDOW SPINS

YEAH, ONE MORE TIME

I HATE CATCHY CHORUSES

AND I'M A HYPOCRITE

SAID A HUNGRY,

HUNGRY HYPOCRITE

I HATE CATCHY CHORUSES

AND I'M A HY-Y-POCRITE

YEAH.

B*TCHES AND HOES,

BO'S HOES

YEAH,

B*TCHES AND HOES

YEAH, I SAID B*TCHES,

HOES:

B*TCHES AND HOES

DON'T EXIST

BECAUSE THE HOES KNOW

BO'S A FEMINIST

B*TCHES AND HOES

DON'T EXIST

BECAUSE THE HOES KNOW

BO'S A FEMINIST

SO TAKE YOUR BRAS

AND BURN 'EM

YOU CAN LET ME BURN 'EM

TAKE OFF YOUR BRAS

AND BURN 'EM

OH, YOU CAN LE BO BURNHAM BURN 'EM

TAKE YOUR BRAS:

AND BURN 'EM (cheers and applause)

YOU CAN LET ME BURN 'EM

TAKE OFF YOUR BRAS

AND BURN 'EM

BURN 'EM, YOU CAN LE BO BURNHAM BURN 'EM

(cheers and applause)

WHAT THE F***?

(laughter)

LET US PRAY.

DON'T FEEL LIKE

YOU CAN'T PARTICIPATE,

BY THE WAY,

IF YOU'RE NOT CHRISTIAN,

'CAUSE THIS IS A PRAYER

FOR ALL FAITHS, SO...

DEAR JESUS OF NAZARETH...

(laughter)

FIRST OF ALL,

I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU

FOR CALLING YOURSELF

JESUS OF NAZARETH.

IT'S SORT OF LIKE THE LORD

OF THE RINGS OR SOMETHING.

"I AM JESUS OF NAZARETH,

SON OF ORFLEK, THE BUTCHER."

WE KNOW, LORD, THAT YOU SO

LOVED THE WORLD FROM JOHN 3:16,

YOU SO LOVED THE WORLD

THAT YOU SENT YOUR ONLY SON

TO DIE FOR US, YOUR ONLY SON,

BUT AT THE SAME TIME,

WE'RE ALL YOUR CHILDREN,

SO IN YOUR EYES,

WE'RE A BUNCH OF GIRLS.

(laughter)

SO HELP US AS WE STRUGGLE

WITH THE TEMPTATIONS

OF LESBIANISM, AMEN.

I, UH...

PEOPLE COME TO ME ALL THE TIME--

ALL THE TIME,

THEY SAY THE SAME THING,

YOU KNOW,

"BO, YOU'RE AN ARTIST.

HOW DO WE FIX AFRICA?"

(laughter)

I READ RECENTLY THAT THERE ARE

OVER 22 MILLION PEOPLE

LIVING WITH HIV AIDS

IN SUB-SAHARAN AFRICA.

YEAH.

IT WAS A SNAPPLE FACT.

HOW DO WE FIX IT?

HOW DO WE FIX IT?

THIS.

BECAUSE LAUGHTER...

LAUGHTER:

IS THE BEST MEDICINE,

YOU KNOW,

BESIDES MEDICINE.

YOU GUYS LIKE IMPRESSIONS?

(cheers and applause)

(clears throat)

WHY?

THAT WAS SOCRATES.

WE'VE DONE A LOT OF LAUGHING--

LOT OF LAUGHING.

GREAT FOR A COMEDY SHOW.

HEY, BREAK THE FOURTH WALL.

MA'AM.

FIFTH WALL--MA'AM AT HOME.

WE'VE DONE A LOT OF--

WE'VE DONE A LOT OF LAUGHING.

BUT WE HAVEN'T DONE A LO OF THINKING.

AND I'D LIKE TO DO THAT NOW,

AND WHAT BETTER:

TO STOP COMIC INERTIA THAN

A LITTLE BIT OF POETIC FRICTION?

I'VE WRITTEN SOME HAIKUS.

HAIKUS ARE JAPANESE POEMS

CONSISTING OF 17 SYLLABLES,

3 LINES, 5, 7, 5.

I FIND THEM TO HAVE A CERTAIN

CLEARNESS IN THEIR COGENCY,

SORT OF A SOUNDNESS IN THEIR

SIMPLICITY, IF YOU WILL.

SO WHAT WE'LL DO NOW HOPEFULLY

IS READ THESE HAIKUS,

THINK FOR A LITTLE BIT,

AND THEN WE'LL GO BACK

TO THE JOKES AND THE LAUGHING

AND WE'LL HAVE BENEFITED

FROM THE TIME WE TOOK TO THINK.

SO IF COULD JUST,

YOU KNOW,

PUT UP WITH THESE,

THINK FOR A BIT, HOPEFULLY,

AND THEN WE'LL GO BACK

TO THE JOKES,

BUT THESE ARE MY HAIKUS.

I SAW A RAINBOW:

ON THE DAY MY GRANDMA DIED.

F***ING LESBIAN.

(triangle dings,

laughter)

FOR 15 CENTS A DAY,

YOU CAN FEED AN AFRICAN.

THEY EAT PENNIES.

(triangle dings,

laughter)

OLD PEOPLE'S SKIN SAGS

BECAUSE IT IS BEING

PULLED TOWARDS THE UNDERWORLD.

(triangle dings, laughter)

MISSED THAT.

A KID INSULTED MY MOTHER

SO I SAID,

"YOUR MAMA IS SO BLACK!"

(triangle dings,

laughter)

"DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD

HAVE THEM DO TO YOU."

SAID THE RAPIST.

(triangle dings,

laughter)

MY AUNT USED TO SAY,

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