Bo Burnham: Words, Words, Words Page #4

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"SLOW AND STEADY WINS THE RACE."

SHE DIED IN A FIRE.

(triangle dings,

laughter)

THOSE IN GLASS HOUSES

SHOULDN'T THROW STONES

OR MASTURBATE:

IN THE DAYTIME.

(triangle dings,

laughter)

IT'S TRUE.

EVEN IF HE IS YOUR FRIEND,

NEVER, EVER CALL

AN ASIAN PERSON.

(triangle dings,

laughter)

AND FINALLY...

BONO, IF YOU WANNA HELP

POOR PEOPLE,

SELL YOUR TINTED SHADES,

YOU C*NT.

(triangle dings,

cheers and applause)

THANK YOU,

THIS NEXT PIECE--

THIS NEXT PIECE IS CALLED

"SONNET 155"

OR "IF SHAKESPEARE

HAD WRITTEN A PORN."

AND IT GOES LIKE THIS.

I SAW THE MORNING DEW

BETWIXT THINE THIGHS

AS I REMOVED MY SOURCE

OF GRECIAN POWER.

AS IF KING MIDAS

DARED TO TOUCH THE SKIES,

UPON THY BODY FELL

A GOLDEN SHOWER.

(audience groans)

THY BODY'S TEMPLE'S

TWO CHURCH BELLS HAD RUNG.

UPON THY CHEST,

A ROLL OF PEARLS BESTOWED.

THE SUN HAD SET,

THY SET WITH WEARY HUNG.

I THOUGHT, HOW BLACK A NIGHT,

AND BLEW A LOAD.

(audience groans)

I SAID WHAT LIGHT THROUGH YONDER

BEAVER BREAKS?

IT IS THE YEAST.

(audience groans,

scattered cheering)

AND NOW MY BELLY'S YELLOW.

MY POLE GIVES CAUSE

TO STORMS AND EARTHY QUAKES,

BUT 'TIS NOT MASSIVE,

I AM NO OTHELLO.

AND WHEN THAT FINAL MOMEN CAME TO PASS,

LIKE CHRIST,

I CAME A-RIDING ON AN ASS.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

(cheers and applause)

THANK YOU,

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE...

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

WAS A VERBAL CONTORTIONIST.

HE CAN BEND HIS WORDS

THE WAY A CONTORTIONIS BENDS HIS FRAME,

AND I WOULD HOPE THAT HE COULD

WITH A NAME:

LIKE WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE.

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE--

SOME OF YOU SEEM LOST.

LOOK, SAY YOUR NAME

WAS ROBERT FROST,

AND YOU COULDN'T WRITE,

THAT WOULD SUCK.

WELL, I GUESS YOU COULD ALWAYS

GO AS BOBBY FROS AND OWN AN ICE CREAM TRUCK.

HE WAS BALANCED LIKE A SIMILE

AND COULD STACK METAPHOR FIVE,

SIX AT A TIME AND RHYME

INTO THE VERY LAST LINE

OF A SOLILOQUY:

WHICH FINALLY SAID OUTRIGH WHAT THE PREVIOUS 77

WE'RE ONLY HINTING AT.

HE HAD PUNS AND QUIPS

AND TONS OF TRIPS

WITH SONS WITH SHIPS,

WITH NUNS WITH HIPS

AND BUNS AND LIPS,

BUT I HAVE SOMETHING

THAT SHAKESPEARE NEVER HAD.

PENICILLIN.

(laughter)

SEE, IT HADN'T BEEN

INVENTED YET.

BACK THEN, THEY ONLY HAD

QUILLICILLIN, HEY-OH!

SORRY, IT'S NOT THAT HARD,

BARD.

I'M SORRY, I GOT A BONE

TO PICK WITH YOU, WILLIAM.

SO IF YOU COULD JUS LISTEN UP HERE

AND LISTEN TO THIS THEATER

QUEER'S THEATER QUERY HERE

AND MAYBE ACT LIKE A REAL ARTIS FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE.

SAY VAN GOGH AND,

"LEND ME YOUR EAR."

YOU'RE NOT A WRITER.

YOU'RE A WRITER LIKE

HULK HOGAN'S A STREET FIGHTER.

YOU WRITE THESE DRAMAS,

YOU ACCUMULATE YOUR WEALTH,

YOU HOLD NATURE:

AS T'WERE MIRROR OF YOURSELF.

JUST 'CAUSE YOU'RE MESSED UP

DOESN'T MEAN WE ARE, TOO.

JUST 'CAUSE YOU WANNA BANG

YOUR MOM:

DOESN'T MEAN

THAT DANISH PRINCES DO.

WHAT? WHO? HAMLET, SHAKESPEARE.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

THE YOUNG PRINCE

WHOSE FATHER DIED

AT THE HANDS OF HIS UNCLE

WITH WHOM HIS MOTHER LIED.

SOUND FAMILIAR?

IT'S THE F***ING "LION KING"!

(laughter and applause)

YOU STOLE FROM A DISNEY MOVIE,

YOU ANDROGYNOUS DOUCHE.

WHAT'S NEXT,

THE STORY OF A FRENCH KING

ON A QUES TO FIND HIS LOST SON NEMO?

(laughter)

OH, AND BY THE WAY, POETIC

TALENT IS REALLY EASY TO FAKE

WHEN THY SENTENCES

DOTH NO F***ING SENSE MAKE.

(laughter)

"TO BE OR NOT TO BE?"

THAT IS THE QUESTION.

WHETHER 'TIS NOBLER

IN THE MIND TO SUFFER

THE SLINGS AND ARROWS

OF OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE,

OR TO TAKE ARMS AGAINS A SEA OF TROUBLES,

AND BY OPPOSING END THEM,

TO DIE...

TO SLEEP NO MORE,

AND BY A SLEEP,

TO SAY WE END THE HEARTACHE

AND THE THOUSAND NATURAL SHOCKS

THAT FLESH IS HEIR TO.

'TIS A CONSUMMATION DEVOUTLY

TO BE WISH'D.

TO DIE, TO SLEEP,

TO SLEEP, PERCHANCE TO DREAM.

AYE, THERE'S THE RUB,

FOR IN THAT SLEEP OF DEATH,

WHAT DREAMS MAY COME

WHEN WE HAVE SHUFFLED OFF

THIS MORTAL COIL?

MUST GIVE US PAUSE.

(scoffs)

LIKE, WHAT?

(laughter)

THIS NEXT SONG:

IS ABOUT QUANTUM MECHANICS.

THIS NEXT SONG--

(laughter)

I WAS RAISED VERY WELL,

YOU KNOW, LIKE A FIELD OF CORN.

I WAS ALSO RAISED

VERY CHRISTIAN,

LIKE THE CHILDREN OF THE CORN.

AND CHRISTIANS GET ANGRY AT ME,

THEY DO,

BECAUSE I SAY THINGS LIKE,

"WHY THE LONG NOSE,

POPE-NOCCHIO?"

THEY THINK:

I'LL GONNA GO TO HELL.

TRUTH IS,

I'VE BEEN TO CHRISTIAN HELL,

AND I WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT.

HITLER WAS THERE,

AND SO WERE ALL THE JEWS

YEAH, SO IT GO A LITTLE AWKWARD

(laughter)

I WAS SURROUNDED BY CATHOLICISM

AT A YOUNG AGE:

AND I WAS ALSO IN A GARAGE BAND

FOR 20 MINUTES.

THIS IS THE PRODUCT OF THAT.

HIT IT.

(electronic music plays)

(laughter)

(violin riff plays)

(cheers and applause)

ALL THE SEATS:

AT THE SUNDAY MASS IS

FILLED WITH THE MASSES'

MASS OF ASSES:

CLASSES PASS AS FAS AS MOLASSES

CEREMONIAL READING GLASSES

READ A LITTLE BI OF LEVITICUS

ALL THE KIDS ARE A LITTLE

TOO LITTLE FOR THIS

ALL THE PARENTS NOD

IN AGREEMENT:

"I THINK I CAN VAGUELY

SEE WHAT HE MEANT"

IT'S TOO EARLY

IN THE MORNING GLORY

TO READ ANOTHER:

ALLEGORY STORY:

THE FATHER:

READS A LITTLE BIT FARTHER

ASSURING THE ASSURED

THAT THEY NEED NOT BOTHER

WHEN GOD, IN VERSE 45

SAID THAT SLAVES

ARE OKAY TO BUY:

HE MEANT THAT PEOPLE

ALL FROM THE START

EACH HAVE SLAVES

WITHIN THEIR HEARTS

THINGS THAT WE HAVE SOLD

OR BOUGHT:

AND THEN ARE FORCED TO PICK

OUR MORAL COTTON

GOD CALLS US:

TO SET THESE FREE

FREE OUR HEARTS:

FROM SLAVERY:

AND THEN AS GOD GOES ON

TO EXPLAIN:

THE LOGISTICS OF BUYING

AND SELLING SLAVES

(music stops)

HE WAS MESSIN' AROUND.

HE'S--HE--

JESUS IS SORT OF LIKE--

(music continues)

IN THE BACK,

I SIT AND I NOD:

TO THE BEATS THA ARE BUMPIN' FROM MY iPOD

MY GOD,

THEY'RE STARTING TO PRAY

AND OVER THE MUSIC,

I CAN HEAR THEM SAY

DEAR GOD, DEAR LORD

DEAR VAGUE MUSCULAR MAN

WITH A BEARD OR A SWORD

DEAR GOOD ALL-SEEING BEING

MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY

YAHWEH:

THE BLUE-BALLED

ANTI-MASTURBATOR

THE GREAT ALL-LOVING

F*GGOT HATER

I LIKE TO THANK:

YOUR HOLY MIGHT:

FOR MAKING ME BOTH RICH

AND WHITE:

AND THOUGH THIS IS YOUR DAY

OF REST:

I COME TO YOU:

WITH ONE REQUEST

THERE'S SO MUCH PAIN

BEYOND THIS STEEPLE

WARS AND DRUGS:

AND HOMELESS PEOPLE

SADNESS:

WHERE THERE SHOULD BE JOY

HATE AND RAPE:

AND SOULJA BOY:

A WORLD IN DARKNESS

NEEDS YOUR LIGHT

SO I'M SURE YOUR SCHEDULE'S

PRETTY TIGHT:

BUT MY DOG:

JUST HAD LEG SURGERY.

IF YOU COULD FIX THAT FIRST?

JESUS?

DEBRA MESSING'S FINGERS

IN A HOLY PLACE:

HAIL MARY:

FULL OF GRACE:

OBAMA, COULD YOU PASS

SOME HOPE TO THE POPE?

I KNOW A COUPLE DUDES

WHO WANT TO ELOPE

SEE, THE CHURCH SAID NOPE,

SO THE BROS CAN'T COPE

BROS CAN GROPE,

BUT THE BROS CAN'T COPE

THEY'VE BEEN IN LOVE

AND THEY'VE BEEN ADDICTED

WHO SAID THEY SHOULDN'T?

BENEDICT DID:

'CAUSE IN THE HOLY LAND

OF THE LORD:

HE'S THE HOLY LANDLORD

AND D*CKS ARE EVICTED

'CAUSE YOU CAN BE A BENEDICT

IF YOU BEND A DICK

UNDER BENEDICT:

BUT YOU CAN' HAVE BENEDICTS

BECAUSE THERE'S ONLY ONE POPE

WITH ONLY ONE DICK, WHAT?

YEAH,

A DICK ON A POPE IS

JUST LIKE A SOAP ON ROPE

'CAUSE IT'S POINTLESS

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