Bo Burnham: Words, Words, Words Page #5

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UNLESS IN PRISON

THROW UP YOUR BIBLES,

CHRIST HAS RISEN

HALLELUJAH,

NOW IT'S RAINING MEN

BECAUSE THE GENDER RATIO'S

ONE-TO-TEN

WINOS A THE EUCHARIST STATION

TRANSGENDERED:

SUBSTANTIATION:

JESUS WASN'T THE MESSIAH,

GET BACK:

I'M A HERETIC,

AND I'M ON FIRE

IT WAS OEDIPUS,

THOSE HOLY KNIGHTS

THE HOLY MOTHER F***IN'

CHRIST:

I'M A BLASPHEMER POST-KATRINA

CRUISIN' THE MARINA

ON A CRUSADE TO CRUISE AIDS

AND BLAST FEMA:

YOU'RE TOO LATE, WE'RE F***ED,

WE DON'T NEED YOU, AMEN

IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER,

SON, AND HOLY GHOST

HEAD, SHOULDERS,

KNEES AND TOES:

TURN UP YOUR NOSE,

STRIKE THAT POSE

HEY MACARENA:

(record scratch,

cheers and applause)

I WANTED TO BE A PHYSICIS WHEN I WAS YOUNGER,

AND I ALSO WANTED TO BE

A COMEDIAN,

BUT ONLY ONE OF THOSE

SORT OF WORKED OUT.

I'D LIKE TO TRY TO DO BOTH,

THOUGH NOW:

IN A BIT THAT I CALL

"THEORETICAL DICK JOKES."

GOES LIKE THIS.

(laughter)

MY PENIS IS SO SMALL

I OFTEN HAVE TROUBLE FINDING I BECAUSE IT'S SO GRATEFULLY

INFLUENCED BY:

QUANTUM MECHANICAL FLUCTUATIONS

IN THE FABRIC OF SPACE-TIME.

AND WHEN I'M HAVING INTERCOURSE

WITH A WOMAN,

SHE CAN ONLY KNOW WHERE MY PENIS

IS OR HOW FAST IT'S MOVING

'CAUSE IT'S SMALL ENOUGH

AND LIGHT ENOUGH TO BE FULLY

GOVERNED BY THE HEISENBERG

UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE.

I'VE GOT AN EATING DISORDER.

YEAH, MORE LIKE

NUTRITIONAL ENTROPY.

SO...

(light laughter)

NEVER SAID I WAS FUNNY, OKAY?

SO STOP STARING AT ME.

SEGUES ARE WEIRD.

HOW OLD IS TOO OLD

TO STOP BELIEVING IN, LIKE,

THE TOOTH FAIRY,

LIKE, 12?

I HAVE A COUSIN:

WHO IS 18, YEAH.

STILL BELIEVES:

IN GAY MARRIAGE.

IT'S LIKE...

(laughter)

I KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS

ARE THINKING--

"OH, BO, YOU TACKLE

SUCH TABOO SUBJECTS.

YOU KNOW,

"IS THERE ANYTHING OFF-LIMITS,

"ANYTHING

YOU DON'T FIND FUNNY,

ANYTHING YOU THINK

IS TOO SACRED TO LAUGH AT?"

AND THE TRUTH IS,

THERE IS.

WHITE PEOPLE.

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

I THINK WE'VE BEEN

THROUGH ENOUGH.

(laughter)

I FIND NUMBERS:

TO BE FASCINATING

AND MORE SPECIFICALLY

THAN NUMBERS, I FIND STATISTICS

TO BE PARTICULARLY ENLIGHTENING,

THOUGHT-PROVOKING EVEN.

I'VE GATHERED SOME HERE.

THESE ARE ALL 100% TRUE.

WHEN YOU LEAVE THIS THEATER AND

ENTER THE WORLD DEVOID OF ART,

YOU CAN CHECK THESE,

AND THEY WILL COME BACK

'CAUSE THEY ARE TRUE.

I DON'T WANT THEM

TO BLOW YOUR MIND,

BUT MAYBE YOU'LL HEAR

ONE OF THESE AND GO,

"OH, MY GOD,

NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT."

SO THESE ARE MY STATISTICS.

(clears throat)

(light laughter)

APPROXIMATELY 33.33%

OF THE JONAS BROTHERS

HAVE DIABETES.

(laughter)

ONE OUT OF EVERY FOUR KIDS

WITH THE INITIALS A.D.D.

ACTUALLY HAS IT,

AND FOUR OUT OF FOUR KIDS

WITH THE INITIALS A.D.H.D.

HAVE AN ANNOYING,

SELF-RIGHTEOUS MOTHER WHO

WOULDN'T JUST SHUT THE F*** UP

AND TAKE HER HUSBAND'S

LAST NAME.

HERE'S A FUN ONE.

ONE OF THE EVERY 44

U.S. PRESIDENTS CAN DUNK.

IT'S MILLARD FILLMORE,

YOU RACISTS.

THE AVERAGE CHILD OF SARAH PALIN

HAS 46.2 CHROMOSOMES.

(audience groans)

IT'S A FACT!

I'M NOT MAKING LIGHT OF IT.

IT'S NUMBERS.

(laughter)

ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS ARE OFFENDED

BY THAT ONE,

YOU'RE DEFINITELY GONNA BE

OFFENDED BY THE NEXT ONE.

BUT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND

SOMETHING--

I AM, TOO.

I THINK THIS IS F***ED UP.

.27% OF ALL JENGA GAMES

ARE PLAYED ON 9/11.

NOW--

(audience groans)

IT'S F***ED UP!

STOP PLAYING JENGA ON 9/11.

STOP IT. STOP IT.

STOP PLAYING JENGA...

(laughter)

THAT WAS AWKWARD.

THIS NEXT ONE BLEW MY MIND.

BLEW MY MIND.

AND YOU'RE NOT GONNA

BELIEVE THIS WHEN YOU HEAR IT.

BUT GO HOME, CHECK IT.

I SWEAR TO GOD IT'S TRUE.

THE AVERAGE PERSON...

HAS ONE FALLOPIAN TUBE.

(laughter)

THE AVERAGE PENIS LENGTH

IS 5 1/2 INCHES.

AND FINALLY, THE AVERAGE

PENIS LENGTH OF A MAN

WHO GOOGLES "AVERAGE

PENIS LENGTH" IS 3 1/2 INCHES.

THANK YOU.

(cheers and applause)

YEAH, BO!

YEAH, BO!

(audience members shouting)

YEAH.

THANK YOU.

I WENT TO THE MOVIES THE OTHER

DAY BECAUSE I WENT TO SEE

THE 20th ANNIVERSARY

OF "SCHINDLER'S LIST" IN 3-D.

(rimshot)

AND I WENT INTO THE GIRLS'

BATHROOM TO LOOK FOR MY CAMERA.

(rimshot)

AND I SAW A CONTAINER THA SAID "SANITARY NAPKINS ONLY."

LADIES...

(drumroll)

DON'T PUT ALL YOUR EGGS

IN ONE BASKET!

THAT'S A JOKE!

(laughter and applause)

(laughter)

THIS SONG--

THIS SONG ISN'T FUNNY AT ALL,

BUT IT HELPS ME SLEEP AT NIGHT.

ART IS DEAD:

ART IS DEAD:

ART IS DEAD:

ART IS DEAD:

ENTERTAINERS:

LIKE TO SEEM COMPLICATED

BUT WE'RE NOT COMPLICATED

I CAN EXPLAIN I PRETTY EASILY

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO

A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR CHILDREN

AND ONE OF THE CHILDREN

WON'T STOP SCREAMING

'CAUSE HE'S JUST A LITTLE

ATTENTION-ATTRACTOR

WHEN HE GROWS UP

TO BE A COMIC OR ACTOR

HE'LL BE REWARDED

FOR NEVER MATURING

FOR NEVER UNDERSTANDING

OR LEARNING:

THAT EVERY DAY:

CAN'T BE ABOUT HIM

THERE'S OTHER PEOPLE,

YOU SELFISH A**HOLE

I MUST BE PSYCHOTIC,

I MUST BE DEMENTED

TO THINK THAT I'M WORTHY

OF ALL THIS ATTENTION

OF ALL OF THIS MONEY

YOU WORKED REALLY HARD FOR

I SLEPT IN LATE WHILE

YOU WORKED AT THE DRUGSTORE

MY DRUG'S ATTENTION,

I AM AN ADDICT:

BUT I GET PAID:

TO INDULGE IN MY HABIT

IT'S ALL AN ILLUSION,

I'M WEARING MAKE-UP

I'M WEARING MAKE-UP,

MAKE-UP, MAKE-UP, MAKE-UP

ART IS DEAD:

SO PEOPLE:

THINK YOU'RE FUNNY

HOW DO WE GE THOSE PEOPLE'S MONEY?

I SAID ART IS DEAD

WE'RE ROLLING IN DOUGH WHILE

CARLIN ROLLS IN HIS GRAVE

HIS GRAVE:

HIS GRAVE:

I SAID THE SHOW HAS GO A BUDGET

THE SHOW HAS GOT A BUDGET

AND ALL THE POOR PEOPLE

WAY MORE DESERVING

OF THE MONEY:

WON'T BUDGE IT

'CAUSE I WANTED

MY NAME IN LIGHTS

WHEN I COULD HAVE FED

A FAMILY OF FOUR

FOR 40 F***ING FORTNIGHTS

40 F***ING FORTNIGHTS

I AM AN ARTIST,

PLEASE, GOD, FORGIVE ME

I AM AN ARTIST,

PLEASE, DON'T REVERE ME

I AM AN ARTIST,

PLEASE, DON'T RESPECT ME

I AM AN ARTIST,

FEEL FREE TO CORRECT ME

A SELF-CENTERED ARTIST,

SELF-OBSESSED ARTIST

I AM AN ARTIST,

I AM AN ARTIST:

BUT I'M JUST A KID,

I'M JUST A KID

I'M JUST A KID, KID,

AND MAYBE I'LL GROW OUT OF IT

(cheers and applause)

OLD COMICS--

OLDER COMICS FROM, LIKE,

THE '80s AND THE '70s,

THEY THINK THAT MY ACT IS HACKY

BECAUSE IT RELIES

ON MUSIC AND OTHER THINGS,

AND THEY'RE SUCH

COMEDY PURISTS,

AND THEY DON'T THINK MY COMEDY

CAN STAND ON ITS OWN,

WHICH ISN'T TRUE BECAUSE,

RIGHT,

I AM A COMEDY PURIS AT HEART,

AND I CAN DO COMEDY

WITHOUT THE GIMMICKS.

AND IT CAN STILL BE GOOD.

I'LL SHOW YOU THAT RIGHT NOW.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A KID

WITH NO ARMS AND AN EYE PATCH?

NAMES.

(laughter and applause)

I'M NOT A TRADITIONAL STAND-UP,

UM, BUT I'D LIKE TO BE.

I LOVE TRADITIONAL

STAND-UP COMEDY,

AND A LOT OF MY HEROES

ARE TRADITIONAL STAND-UP COMICS,

AND I'VE BEEN WATCHING

A LOT OF IT,

AND I THINK I'VE SORT OF

FIGURED OUT THE TRICK TO IT.

SO I'LL GIVE YOU MY TRADITIONAL

STAND-UP ACT NOW.

IT'S IN ITS INFANCY

SO PLEASE BE GENTLE.

UH...

MY WIFE, RIGHT?

(laughter)

WE NEVER HAVE SEX, LIKE, EVER,

WHICH IS FUNNY.

SOMETHING ELSE IS I NEVER KNOW

WHAT SHE'S SAYING.

YOU KNOW, SHE'LL SAY SOMETHING,

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