Bo Burnham: Words, Words, Words Page #6

---

AND I'LL BE, LIKE...

SOMETHING ELSE IS, SHE'S, LIKE,

CONSTANTLY EMASCULATING ME,

AND I'M MAKING HER RESEN HERSELF FOR GETTING OLDER,

SO WE'RE LOOKING INTO A DIVORCE,

WHICH IS FUNNY.

SOMETHING ELSE:

IS SHE CAN'T DRIVE.

THE ONLY THING SHE CAN DRIVE

IS DRIVE ME CRAZY!

YOU KNOW, WHEN SHE BACK-TALKS,

I HIT HER.

(laughter)

I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED

THE SHOW.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING,

AND IF YOU DIDN'T, YOU KNOW...

WHEN LIFE GETS YOU DOWN...

MAKE A COMFORTER.

(laughter)

I FEEL LIKE HIP-HOP...

USED TO BE A VOICE

FOR THE VOICELESS, YOU KNOW?

AND NOW IT'S BECOME,

AT LEAST IN THE MAINSTREAM,

A SYMBOL OF MISOGYNY...

GAY PANIC...

FISCAL IRRESPONSIBILITY,

YOU KNOW?

SO I FIGURE...

IF YOU CAN'T BEAT 'EM,

JOIN 'EM.

HITTIN' THE CLUB UP

V.I.P.

I'VE GOT A FAKE MUSTACHE

AND A FAKE I.D.

I LOOK LIKE WOOLY WILLY

WITH A REALLY WOOLY WILLY

AND I BYPASS THE BOUNCER

PASS BY AN EX, AND I FLEX

AND BOUNCE HER, WOWSER

LOOK AT ALL OF BO'S HOES

LOOKING FOR A RIDE

ON BO'S HOSE

AND I SPOT A LITTLE LATINO

BOOTY SO BIG,

CALL IT OPRAH'S EGO

WE GO DO IT THROUGH IT

SHE SAYS,

"DIOS MIO, MI AMIGO"

WHEN WE WERE DONE, SHE SAID,

"HEH, IMMA AYA"

SWALLOW, B*TCH, THERE'S PEOPLE

STARVIN' IN AFRICA

(laughter)

SINGLE EVERY SINGLE DAY

DO IT EVERY SINGLE WAY

MAKE THE SINGLE LADIES SAY

OH, BO

AND IF I WERE GAY,

THOUGH I SWEAR I'M STRAIGHT

I'D MAKE THE FELLAS SAY

OH, BO

I SAID, OH, BO

OH, BO

YOU'RE AN ICE CREAM SUNDAE

WITH A CHERRY ON TOP

BUT CAREFUL, CHERRY,

'CAUSE I'M THE KING OF POP

POP,

POP GOES THE WEASEL

HAVE YOU LOOKIN' LIKE

JACKSON POLLACK'S EASEL

YEAH, MY SUGGESTION IS

YOU DON'T BLOW TILL YOU KNOW

WHAT CONGESTION IS

SWALLOW WHEN YOU KNOW

WHAT DIGESTION IS

FOLLOW BO,

THE ONLY QUESTION IS

HAVE YOU BEEN SPLATTERED

BEFORE:

BY THE MAD HATTER MATADOR

CAKE BATTER NEVERMORE

IT DON'T MATTER

WHETHER YOU'RE

SPANISH, FRENCH, SWEDISH,

OR CAMBODIAN:

I'LL SLIME YOU SO HARD

YOU COULD BE ON NICKELODEON

(cheers and applause)

SINGLE EVERY SINGLE DAY

DO IT EVERY SINGLE WAY

MAKE THE SINGLE LADIES SAY

OH, BO

AND IF I WERE GAY

THOUGH I SWEAR I'M STRAIGHT

I'D MAKE THE FELLAS SAY

(scattered shouting)

OH, BO,

I SAID, OH, BO

I SAID, OH, BO

YOU THINK:

THAT YOU CAN HANDLE ME

GIRL,

DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH

MY JUNK IS BIPOLAR,

IT'LL SPLIT YOU IN HALF

I SAID,

AND IF YOU'RE LUCKY

I MIGHT JUST BRING YOU HOME,

AND I'LL HAVE YOU GOING DOWN

LIKE YOU'RE GROWING

AN EXTRA CHROMOSOME

AND WHEN YOU LOVE ME,

DON'T GRAB ME BY MY BUNS

'CAUSE I GOT A BAD CASE

OF THE RU-U-NS

I GOT THE RUNS:

I GOT THE RU-UH-UH-

OH, OH

SINGLE EVERY SINGLE DAY

DO IT EVERY SINGLE WAY

MAKE THE SINGLE LADIES SAY

OH, BO

AND IF I WERE,

OH, SO THAT I WERE

YEAH, AND IF I WERE

(music softens)

LIKE TO BREAK IT DOWN

FOR Y'ALL.

I CAME FROM THE STREETS

WITH NOTHING.

(light laughter)

NOW I'M MAKING HIT RECORDS.

FOR MY PEOPLE STILL LIVING

IN THE STREETS,

STILL LIVING IN POVERTY,

I WANNA TELL YOU,

I'M DOING THIS FOR YOU.

MY SUCCESS...

IS YOUR SUCCESS.

AND YOU MAY BE THINKING, "HEY,

IF YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT,

"WHY DON'T YOU USE

SOME OF YOUR MONEY

"TO HELP

REBUILD THE NEIGHBORHOOD

INSTEAD OF PUTTING SPINNING RIMS

ON A GOLD JETSKI?"

(laughter)

AND TO THAT I SAY...

UH-OH,

CHORUS IS COMING UP.

SINGLE EVERY SINGLE DAY

DO IT EVERY SINGLE WAY

MAKE THOSE SINGLE LADIES SAY

OH, BO

AND IF I WERE,

OH, SO THAT I WERE

YEAH, AND IF I WERE

YOU GOT A FUME LIKE A TUNA

I'LL SMELL YOU LATER

I MET A FAT CHICK AND I

F***ED HER IN AN ELEVATOR

IT WAS WRONG:

ON SO MANY LEVELS

(laughter)

'CAUSE I SAID IT WAS WRONG

ON SO MANY LEVELS

I SAID IT WAS WRONG ON

(cheers and applause)

OH...

OKAY.

I DON'T KNOW

IF ALL BOY SCOUTS ARE GAY

THEY COULD PROBABLY

TIE THE KNOT (cheers and applause)

IN LIKE FIFTY DIFFERENT--

I'M DYING INSIDE!

I GOT A SAFE FULL OF CHERRIES

'CAUSE I POP IT AND LOCK IT

A GIRL'S LIKE A FRIDGE, ONCE

A WEEK YOU SHOULD STALK IT

IF YOUR INTO RIMMIN, IT'S ONLY

SAFE IF YOUR SWIMMIN'

GIRL,

DON'T SIT ON THAT COUCH

'CAUSE I TREAT MY OBJECTS

LIKE WOMEN:

I SPIT FIRE:

LIKE I JUST BLEW A DEMON

MY SH*T'S SO HOT I'LL LEAVE

YOUR TOILET BOWL STEAMIN'

I'M GONNA TEAR I LIKE THE CARDS OF THE GYPSIES

YOU'LL BLEED FOR SO LONG

YOU'LL GET MONTHLY ELLIPSES

IF YOUR PANTS ARE LOOSE,

I'LL REPLETE YA

YOU'RE A FIRST TIME VEGAN,

AND IT'S NICE TO MEET YA

I'M BO, YO,

I'M THE GREATEST RAPPA EVA

AND I'LL WEATHER YOUR WEATHER

WHETHER YOU THINK I'M CLEVER

OR NOT, THINK YOU'RE BETTER,

YOU'RE NOT

DON'T NEED A SWEATER,

I'M HOT

I'M A REAL G THAT CAN REALLY

FIND YOUR G SPOT (audience clapping to beat)

OH, YEAH,

YOU'RE NOT A F***ING METRONOME

(laughter and applause)

YEAH.

GO TO A VAGINA ORCHARD,

COUNT 1, 2, 3

SPIN THAT PLANT AROUND,

YOU GOT A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY

NO, THAT'S RIGHT,

CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED

I'M OFFENSIVE AND CREATIVE

LIKE HANDICAPPED PORN

YOU'RE PLAYING

WITH YOUR BREASTS

EXCUSE ME,

CAN I TRY IT MA'AM?

YOUR PUSHIN' 'EM TOGETHER

LIKE A TITTY VENN DIAGRAM

LOOK AT THAT CRACK,

EXCUSE ME CAN I BUY A GRAM?

RIGHT BELOW YOUR DIAPHRAGM,

ASS LOOKS LIKE YOUR HIDIN' HAM

FIRST BASE,

WERE MAKING OUT:

MOTHER F***ER, SECOND BASE,

I'M GETTING FAKED OUT, YO

THIRD BASE,

I'M GETTING TAKE-OUT

AND I TRY TO TAKE IT HOME

IF I KNEW I'D TAKE IT OUT

BUT I JUST DON'T KNOW

I SAID I JUST DON'T CARE

MY FLOW'S SO COLD I NEED

A TAMPON FROM A POLAR BEAR

AND YOU CAN SPELL

AND SMELL MY STINK

'CAUSE B.O. LINGERS

AND IT MAKES YOU THINK

I'M BO, YO,

I'M THE GREATEST RAPPA EVA

AND I'LL WEATHER YOUR WEATHER

WHETHER YOU THINK I'M CLEVER

OR NOT, THINK YOU'RE BETTER,

YOU'RE NOT

DON'T NEED A SWEATER,

I'M HOT

I'M BAD AT SEX.

GET IT?

(laughter and applause)

YEAH, WHAT?

'CAUSE GIRLS ARE LIKE DONUTS

WHEN I BE BUSTIN' BO NUTS

I CAN MAKE 'EM CREAM-FILLED

OR GIVE THEM A LAYER OF GLAZE

I'M LIKE DOUG'S FRIEND SKEETER

WHENEVER I MEET HER

(audience singing)

'CAUSE I SKEET HER SO HARD

PEOPLE CALL HER PATTY

MAYONNAISE:

YEAH, THAT'S SAD.

(cheers and applause)

YEAH, WHAT, UH

YEAH, 'CAUSE THERE'S

AN INVERSE RELATIONSHIP

BETWEEN RESPECT AND SECTS

I'M TALKING ABOUT RELIGIOUS

SECTS LIKE A MORMON SECT

THAT SAYS YOU CAN'T HAVE SEX

WITH MEMBERS:

OF DIFFERENT SECTS

BUT YOU CAN'T HAVE SEX

WITH MEMBERS OF THE SAME SEX

THE SECTS CAN'T BE DIFFERENT,

SEX CAN'T BE SAME

THE ONLY SEX LEF IS SOME LEFT-HAND SHAME

GIRL, I LEFT YOU

'CAUSE YOU LEFT THE GAME

AND IF THAT DON'T FEEL RIGH THEN YOU CAN WRITE MY NAME

'CAUSE I'M BO, YO,

I'M THE GREATEST RAPPA EVA

AND I'LL WEATHER YOUR WEATHER

WHETHER YOU THINK I'M CLEVER

OR NOT, THINK YOU'RE BETTER,

YOU'RE NOT

DON'T NEED A SWEATER,

I'M HOT

OH, GEE

(cheers and applause)

MY JUNKS SO LONG

THAT IT HANGS AND SWINGS

AT THE NUDE BEACH PEOPLE THINK

I'M LOOKIN' FOR LOST RINGS

PLAY THE SKIN FLUTE,

YOUR BIG BOY SINGS

IF YOU WANT TO TAKE IT ALL

WEAR AFRICAN NECK RINGS.

'CAUSE, LIKE, MAN.

(laughter)

HATERS CALL ME GAY,

BUT THAT AIN'T HATIN'

'CAUSE I'M NOT HOMOPHOBIC,

MY MORALS ARE STRAIGHT

Rate this script:3.0 / 1 vote