Bo Burnham: Words, Words, Words Page #7

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AND IF I'M IN THE CLOSE THEN YOU ARE BELOW ME

TAKIN' THE B-A- OUT OF "BASEMENT," HOMEY

SPELLS "SEMEN."

'CAUSE I'M BO, YO, AND

I'M THE GREATEST RAPPA EVA

AND I'LL WEATHER YOUR WEATHER

WHETHER YOU THINK I'M CLEVER

OR NOT, THINK YOU'RE BETTER,

YOU'RE NOT

DON'T NEED A SWEATER,

I'M HOT

THIS SONG'S GONNA END

REALLY AWKWARDLY.

THANK YOU.

I'LL DO ONE--

THANK YOU GUYS:

SO MUCH FOR COMING.

I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT NIGHT,

AND YOU'RE THE BEST.

SEE YOU, BOSTON!

WHOA, BOSTON!

RED SOX.

(cheers and applause)

GO, MO VAUGHN.

(scattered cheers)

I LOVE YOU:

LIKE KINGS LOVE QUEENS

LIKE A GAY GENETICIS LOVES DESIGNER GENES

I NEED YOU LIKE NEW ORLEANS

NEEDS A DROUGHT:

LIKE HITLER'S FATHER

NEEDED TO LEARN TO PULL OUT

AND I WANT YOU, YEAH

LIKE A LAWYER/MATHEMATICIAN

WANTS SOME KIND OF PROOF

AND I WANT YOU, YEAH

LIKE JFK WANTED:

A CAR WITH A ROOF

IS HE HERE?

BECAUSE LOVE:

IS TAKING A DIVE

THEN GETTING:

REALLY COMFORTABLE

AND PEEING IN THE POOL

AND LOVE IS:

A REAL-LIFE PORN

MINUS ALL THE STUFF

THAT MAKES PORN COOL

AND LOVE IS A HOMELESS GUY

SEARCHING FOR TREASURE

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RAIN

AND FINDING:

A BAG OF GOLD COINS

AND SLOWLY FINDING OUT THEY'RE

ALL FILLED WITH CHOCOLATE

AND EVEN THOUGH:

HE'S HEARTBROKEN

HE CAN'T COMPLAIN 'CAUSE HE

WAS HUNGRY IN THE FIRST PLACE

I LOVE YOU:

LIKE DORA LOVES MAPS

LIKE THE POPE'S TOILET LOVES

HOLY CRAPS:

I NEED YOU:

LIKE A VOYEUR NEEDS A BRANCH

LIKE BOYS TOSSING SALAD

NEEDS A LITTLE BI OF NEVERLAND RANCH

I WROTE IT BEFORE!

I'M FINE.

AND I WANT YOU, YEAH

LIKE ALL THE GOTHIC KIDS

THAT LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME

NEVER WANT TO CONFORM,

WHAT?

AND I WANT YOU:

LIKE ANNE FRANK WANTED

NOBODY TO READ:

HER F***ING DIARY. (cheers and applause)

'CAUSE A DIARY'S A COLLECTION

OF SECRET THINGS

NO ONE'S SUPPOSED TO READ

THAT'S THE WHOLE POIN OF A DIARY

MILLIONS OF PEOPLE

HAVE BREACHED:

THIS LITTLE GIRL'S PRIVACY

AFTER SHE WAS CHASED BY NAZIS

KICK HER WHILE SHE'S DOWN

AND IF WE ME IN 10,000 BC

I WAS YOUR CAVEMAN,

YOU WAS MY CAVELADY

IF WE GOT HOT,

WE'D START A-RUBBING

IF WE GOT HUNGRY,

WE'D GO CLUBBING

THERE'S WOOLLY MAMMOTHS,

BUT I WILL PROTECT US

YOU'RE MAKING ME DEVOLVE

TO A HOMO ERECTUS

YEAH, HOMINID TREE.

AND IF WE MET IN 1780

I WAS A WHITE SOUTHERN

ARISTOCRATIC PLANTATION OWNER

AND YOU WERE MY DARK-SKINNED

SERVANT LADY SLAVE

WHENEVER I COULD GET AWAY

FROM THE MISSUS:

I'D GO TO YOUR SHED,

AND THEN I'D STEAL YOU KISSES

BUT LET'S BE SERIOUS

I'D STILL WORK YOU

FULL-TIME AS A SLAVE

THERE'S A DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN ROMANTIC LANGUAGE

AND COMPLETE DISREGARD

FOR SOCIO-ECONOMIC TRENDS

SO IF WE MET IN 1941

I WAS A NAZI,

YOU'S A GYPSY ON THE RUN

THAT'S A LITTLE REDUNDANT

THAT:

PROBABLY WOULDN' HAVE WORKED OUT, OKAY

YEAH, BECAUSE LOVE

IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD

FOR EVERY BREAKFAST,

LUNCH, AND DINNER

AND LOVE IS THE HOLOCAUS IF YOU DON'T DIE QUICK

AND YOU DON'T GET THINNER

AND LOVE IS BEING

THE OWNER OF THE COMPANY

THAT MAKES RAPE WHISTLES,

AND EVEN THOUGH:

YOU STARTED THE COMPANY

WITH GOOD INTENTIONS

TRYING TO REDUCE THE RATE

OF RAPE:

NOW YOU DON'T WAN TO REDUCE IT AT ALL

'CAUSE IF THE RAPE RATE

DECLINES,

YOU'LL SEE AN EQUAL DECLINE

IN WHISTLE SALES

YEAH, WITHOUT A RAPIS WHO'S GONNA BUY YOUR WHISTLE?

BECAUSE LOVE IS:

LOVE IS ALL ABOUT WHISTLES

(cheers and applause)

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