Body

Redfield County 911.

What is your emergency?

Ma'am? Ma'am?

Please calm down, ma'am.

What is your current address?

It's the big house.

It's the big house on Deerfield Lane.

Ma'am? Ma'am? Is anyone else injured?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, there's blood everywhere.

Please send someone.

Ma'am, we have paramedics

on the way to you now.

They can't be dead. They can't be dead.

- Please send someone right now.

- Stay calm. Don't worry.

- You're gonna be fine.

- Oh, my God.

Everything is gonna be fine.

Okay? Stay with me.

Please, I'm so scared.

Please, please send...

Everything's gonna be fine.

# God rest ye merry, gentlemen ##

18 points, b*tches.

Ugh! What a disgusting waste

of a triple word.

Whatever. I should get, like, extra points

'cause it has to do with the holiday.

What does that have to do with Christmas?

Christmas is about Jesus.

Satin is the opposite of Jesus.

So, I don't know, maybe it's not, like,

super relevant, but it's still religious.

- Oh, no, no, no.

- My God, you can't be serious.

- What?

- I can't.

- I can't... I can't even...

- What?

That's satin, you retard.

- Satan is with an "A."

- Well, whatever. It's satin then.

Yeah. Mm...

I don't know. I don't think

that should count for you.

F*** off. You have, like, 30,000 points.

I don't know if you

should get those points.

Josh, please mediate.

Uh, I don't know.

Come on, Josh. I need you.

Yeah, sure. She should get the points.

Whatever. He doesn't know.

He's over there looking at porn.

Okay, ladies, this is the last of it.

- Why don't you polish it off?

- Dad, we're stuffed.

You know what, I'm providing lodging.

Think of this as rent. Eat.

Mr. Greenberg, I swear, if I eat anything

else, I'm gonna puke all over your carpet.

All right, you know what, I'll keep it there

just in case you get the munchies later.

Oh, Holly, can you talk to your dad?

I was thinking maybe the two

of us were gonna play golf soon.

Oh, yeah. He did... Yeah, he was...

He wants to do that, for sure.

There's, uh, you know, the election,

and it's just... he's so busy.

Busy. He's busy. Sure, I understand.

Dad, he doesn't want

to be your friend. Get over it.

Come on, who doesn't want to be my friend?

Yeah, you're awesome, Mr. G.

Don't you listen to that sh*t.

Thank you, Cali.

And listen, you know, tell your dad

he's making a big mistake

with that Patterson-McCarthy bill.

I mean, if he wants to drive

all the banking business out of...

Dad, please leave.

- Okay, okay, I'm done.

- Ooh.

Oh, hey, Mr. Greenberg,

you want in on this game?

You know, I'd love to, but Jeannie

had a little too much eggnog before.

I got to watch her. Next thing you know,

she's gonna be knocking over a lamp.

Well, maybe you'll get lucky tonight.

Fingers crossed.

Good night, ladies.

Whatever.

Okay, I'm tired of this sh*t.

Let's, uh... Let's smoke.

Come on.

- What are you doing?

- Is it cool if I come?

No, Josh, absolutely not.

These are drugs, Josh.

You don't want drugs.

Josh, you get back inside now.

You get. Get. No.

# From God our Heavenly Father #

# A blessed angel came #

# And unto certain shepherds ##

What kind of weed is this?

What kind of weed is this?

What kind of question is that?

What are you, some kind

of weed connoisseur now?

- You know all types of weed?

- Be nice, Mel.

I needed this so bad.

I'm, like, so full.

I feel like I'm gonna burst.

- Hey. What's up?

- Nothing really.

I'm just watching TV.

You ladies staying out of trouble?

Oh, yeah, you know us, just

wrapping presents for the orphans.

Well, yeah, I figured.

What else would you be doing?

Mel's family is so funny.

They're Jewish, but they like Christmas

more than anyone I know.

Well, yeah, Christmas is f***ing awesome.

But what are you guys actually doing?

- We smoked a little.

- Nice.

Probably gonna watch some TV, go to bed.

I might have one more slice of pie

before that, though.

I miss you.

Yeah, I miss you too.

So, Josh gosh b'gosh,

what's the lady situation?

You pimping all over the world?

You got your hos in different area codes?

Yeah, I'm talking to a couple girls.

What? Are you serious?

Are you having sex with any of them?

Oh, my God, Cali, you're like

a f***ing level seven sex offender

that needs to be locked away in a cage,

far away from young boys.

Melissa, do you think I want to

really f*** your little brother?

Like, that could never happen.

Hey, Josh, what would you do

if I asked you to f*** me right now?

See? He'd, like, die.

Uh-huh, just as I thought.

- It was him, wasn't it?

- Who?

Don't play dumb with me, you slut.

Well, it's none of your business,

but yeah, it was Ben.

Mm, Ben. It was Ben.

F***ing Ben.

What, did he read you poetry again?

What... What are you girls doing awake?

What are you doing?

Are you girls smoking pot

with your little brother?

- Mom.

- You're smoking weed?

You're smoking weed

with your little brother.

What are you girls...

No, you girls can't smoke...

You look so beautiful tonight.

- Oh, my gosh.

- Melissa...

Yes.

I wish you were my mother.

- Go to bed!

- We are going to bed.

- Now!

- We love you.

Are you guys hungry?

# My mind is telling me no #

# But my body,

my body is telling me yes ##

Mmm, it's so good.

Okay, that's it.

I can't eat anymore. I'll die.

- I'm going to bed.

- No, it's so early.

I don't care how tired you are.

You're not going to bed.

Here, have a pigs in a blanket.

It's infused with energy and vitamins.

No, I'm, like, already

falling asleep right here.

Guys, this is pathetic.

We are not old people. We are not old.

We should not be eating ourselves

to sleep on a Friday night.

But... I don't really want to get up.

And, like, it's so cold outside.

And if we go out now, it's gonna

be so late when we get back.

That is the most boring string of words

you've ever put together.

Guys, we are young.

We should be living our lives.

We've got at least ten more years

before we've got to start caring about

our jobs, getting married, getting cats.

Come on, let's not go to sleep

at 9:
30 on a Friday night.

We're going out. Mel, put down the food.

- But it's so good.

- No. Put it down... food.

Where would we even want to go?

Nothing is open for the holidays.

Are there any bars open?

I have something in mind.

I'm a great big fat person now.

Wait, guys, are we seriously...

Get your ass in the car, b*tch.

I ain't telling you again.

I'm telling you guys,

this place is f***ing sick.

You're sure your uncle doesn't care?

Oh, yeah. No, he's totally cool.

He loves me.

This isn't a big deal, I promise.

Well, how much further?

Because I have to pee.

We're close.

How weird. Someone's calling Holly.

What the hell?

- Who could that possibly be?

- Hello? Hey.

No, yeah, actually, I'm going

to Cali's uncle's house now.

It's supposed to be this big mansion.

And I guess no one's home,

so I think we're gonna, like, crash there.

What if I came over there?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes