Bogus Page #3

WELL, WE HAVE TO GIVE

OURSELVES A LITTLE

MORE TIME THESE DAYS,

ESPECIALLY WHEN PICKING UP

SUCH PRECIOUS CARGO.

I'LL NEED TO SEE SOME

IDENTIFICATION, PLEASE.

I'M SORRY.

PASSPORT, DRIVER'S LIC--

THANK YOU.

BOY, DO YOU LOOK

LIKE YOUR MOTHER.

Woman:
I.D. IS FINE.

YOU HAVE TO SIGN

RIGHT THERE.

GREAT.

ARE YOU:

A CARD PLAYER?

OH, NO.

HE'S A MAGICIAN.

HE CAN MAKE:

THE ACE OF SPADES

TURN INTO:

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS.

LOOKS LIKE:

HE'S ON SALE.

CAN I TAKE:

THE TAG OFF?

USUALLY THE TAG'S

TAKEN OFF AT THE GATE

WHEN THEY'RE PICKED UP.

I SAID I WAS SORRY.

MM-HMM.

OK. LET ME GE YOUR TAG OFF HERE.

SORRY.

THERE YOU GO.

Woman:

THANK YOU.

SO GET YOUR BACKPACK

AND...

WE'LL GO.

WHAT'S

IN THE PARCEL?

MY PILLOW.

OH.

OK. LET'S GO.

Woman:

GOOD LUCK,

ALBERT.

THAT'S IT. NO MORE

SHORTCUTS FOR ME.

I KNOW BETTER.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S NO

SHORTCUTS IN LIFE.

I'M SURE

YOU KNOW THAT.

I KNOW THAT.

IT'S THE KIND OF THING

WHERE YOU JUST HAVE TO

CONCENTRATE.

BECAUSE I DON' KNOW HOW I GOT HERE.

I'M NOT SURE

I AM HERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T THINK

I'M HERE.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

I THINK I'M NO REALLY HERE.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

I AM AN ALIEN:

SPACE MONSTER,

AND I'M GOING TO

EAT YOU UP!

[MONSTER-LIKE ROAR]

AAH!

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

MY COLORING BOOK.

WHAT ABOUT IT?

I LEFT IT ON THE AIRPLANE.

WE'LL GET YOU

ANOTHER ONE.

I NEED THAT ONE!

HEY, I'M GOING TO

GET TOWED AWAY!

Loudspeaker:

FLIGHT 106 FROM ST. LOUIS

NOW ARRIVING AT GATE 61.

[PIGLIKE SQUEAL]

NEVER MIND.

IT'S OK.

WE CAN GO NOW.

OH, WELL,

I'M RELIEVED,

BECAUSE WE WEREN' GOING BACK TO GE A COLORING BOOK.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

SHE'S NERVOUS.

SHE'S A SPACE MONSTER.

SHE HAS:

FUNNY HAIR, HUH?

I KNOW.

YOU KNOW:

WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

OH.

HEY! WHAT ARE

YOU DOING?

DON'T WRITE

THAT TICKET, MAN.

I HAD TO PICK UP

THE LITTLE BOY.

HE WAS TRAVELING

BY HIMSELF:

IN TRAVELER'S AID.

DON'T YOU HAVE KIDS?

NO.

WELL, LISTEN.

IT WASN'T THAT LONG.

I WASN'T HERE

BUT 3 MINUTES.

I WAS NOT HERE:

15 MINUTES.

I WOULD KNOW IF:

I WAS HERE 15 MINUTES.

GET IN THE CAR.

IF I WAS HERE:

15 MINUTES,

I WOULD NOT BE:

FOOLING AROUND WITH YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

GET IN!

I WASN'T HERE 15 MINUTES.

I WAS HERE 3 MINUTES.

WHY ARE YOU WRITING A TICKET?

I'M NOT PAYING IT,

I'M JUST TELLING YOU NOW.

DON'T PAY IT, LADY.

PAY YOUR LAWYER.

DO YOU BELIEVE:

THAT GUY HAD THE NERVE

TO GIVE ME A TICKET?

I MEAN, THERE'S

DRUG ADDICTS OUT THERE,

THERE'S CRAZY PEOPLE

STARTING FIRES,

RUNNING AROUND NAKED,

AND WHA IS THIS GUY DOING--

THE POLICE DEPARTMENT,

OUR FABULOUS:

POLICE DEPARTMENT?

GIVING ME A TICKET.

I WORK EVERY DAY.

I PAY RENT.

I COULD HAVE:

BEEN PICKING UP:

A LOVED ONE:

OR SOMETHING.

OH, LOVED ONE.

THAT SOUNDS GOOD.

WELL, CAN'T CRY

ABOUT IT.

CANNO CRY ABOUT IT.

SO...YOU PLAY

CARDS, HUH?

Bogus:
HE DOES MAGIC.

I DO MAGIC.

YOU DO MAGIC,

HUH? GOOD.

Bogus:
YES, YES. YOU DO

THE FRENCH PASS.

I KNOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

NOTHING.

WHY DO YOU KEEP:

SAYING "I KNOW"?

TELL HER:

YOU ARE THINKING.

I WAS THINKING.

OH, GOOD. THAT'S

SOMETHING WE CAN

DO TOGETHER--THINK.

THINK.

THINK.

[RAP MUSIC PLAYING]

Harriet:
THIS IS IT.

277 BARROW.

THAT'S WHERE WE LIVE.

CAN YOU:

REMEMBER THAT?

YEAH.

NOW, LISTEN, UH--

277 BARROW?

YEAH.

I'VE ALWAYS

LIVED ALONE,

SO WE'RE GOING

TO HAVE TO HAVE:

SOME RULES, OK?

YOU OK WITH RULES?

SOMETIMES.

DO YOU HAVE TO GO

TO THE BATHROOM?

BECAUSE IF YOU DO,

IT'S DOWN THE HALL.

NOW, I'VE ONLY GOT ONE,

SO WE'RE GOING TO

HAVE TO FIGURE OU WHAT WE WANT TO DO.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE

TOOTHPASTE IN THE SINK

BECAUSE IT'S REALLY NASTY.

I'LL TRY NOT TO DO

THE SAME THING.

THE OTHER THING IS

I WOULD REALLY:

APPRECIATE I IF YOU WOULD PUT DOWN

THE TOILET SEAT BECAUSE--

WELL, IT'S JUST BECAUSE

IT'S COURTEOUS.

OH. I GAVE THE METS

A PRETTY GOOD DEAL

ON SOME COFFEE MUGS,

SO THEY GAVE ME:

A BASEBALL.

I HAVE A BASEBALL

SIGNED BY LIZA MINELLI.

WHY WOULD LIZA MINELLI

SIGN A BASEBALL?

THE SAHARA HOTEL

WAS PLAYING:

THE HILTON HOTEL

ON SUNDAY.

MY MOM TOOK ME,

AND MR. ANTOINE

GOT LIZA MINELLI

TO SIGN A BALL.

IT SAYS, "TO MY

FAVORITE ALL-STAR,

FROM LIZA MINELLI."

ENGELBERT HUMPERDINCK

HIT A HOME RUN:

IN THAT GAME.

WELL, YOU KNOW,

I DON'T REALLY GE ENGELBERT HUMPERDINCK.

HE'S NICE.

PICKED ME UP ONCE.

HE'S STRONG.

PLEASE RELEASE ME

LET ME GO:

ARE YOU HUNGRY?

NO.

WELL, YOU HAVE TO

EAT SOMETHING.

COME IN HERE.

I GOT US A COUPLE

OF TV DINNERS.

Albert:

WHAT KIND?

Harriet:
FISH CAKES.

FISH CAKES?

OH, NO.

YOU LIKE FISH, DON'T YOU?

IT'S LIKE BRAIN FOOD.

WE LIKE NACHOS.

WE LIKE NACHOS.

WELL, WE DON' HAVE NO NACHOS.

WE HAVE FISH CAKES.

WE HAVE FISH CAKES

WITH CAULIFLOWER

AND BROWNIES.

THAT'S WHAT WE HAVE.

HERE ARE THE PLATES,

AND HERE ARE THE CUPS.

STYROFOAM?!

THEY'RE NO BIODEGRADABLE.

THAT'S TOO BAD,

BECAUSE I GO 2,500 OF THEM.

THEY'RE ALL MISPRINTED,

SO I GOT STUCK WITH THEM.

I THINK IT'S TOO EARLY

TO TALK ABOUT BIODEGRADABLE.

NO, NO.

[SOFTLY]

SHE'S A POLLUTER.

WHAT?

NOTHING.

WHY DON'T I SHOW YOU

YOUR ROOM?

I WANT TO GO HOME.

SHE'S NERVOUS.

SHE SCARES ME.

I'LL STAY BY YOUR SIDE

LIKE KRAZY GLUE.

PROMISE?

I NEVER BREAK:

A PROMISE.

Harriet:
WHO ARE

YOU TALKING TO?

NOBODY.

Harriet:
MUMBLING

ALL THE TIME.

I DON'T KNOW WHA YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

YOU NOTICE I GOT YOU

YOUR OWN TELEVISION SET,

AND IF YOU LOOK:

OUT THE WINDOW,

YOU'LL SEE

THERE'S A PARK.

IN THE PARK,

THERE'S A PLAYGROUND.

IF ANYBODY SAYS:

ANYTHING TO YOU, RUN.

NOW, WE'RE LOOKING INTO

BOYS' CLUBS AND Ys FOR YOU

BECAUSE I'M GOING TO BE

WORKING ALL THE TIME.

I DON'T HAVE TIME TO

SPEND WITH YOU, YOU KNOW,

BECAUSE I'M TRYING

TO EXPAND MY BUSINESS.

I'M ACTUALLY TRYING

TO BUY A WAREHOUSE SUPPLY.

YEAH, WELL...

WE'RE LOOKING INTO

SUMMER CAMPS FOR YOU, TOO.

YOU LIKE SUMMER CAMP?

MY MOM:

TOOK ME PLACES:

IN THE SUMMER.

OH. WELL,

I CAN'T DO THA BECAUSE, OBVIOUSLY,

I HAVE A BUSINESS TO RUN.

CUPBOARD'S OVER THERE.

BATHROOM'S DOWN THE HALL.

I PUT SOME LITTLE

MICKEY MOUSE SOAPS

IN THERE FOR YOU.

WANT TO TAKE A BATH?

I'LL GO RUN YOU A BATH.

I'LL RUN YOU A BATH.

OH, AND DON'T MESS

WITH THE FIRE ESCAPE.

IT'S OFF-LIMITS.

[SIREN]

YOU KNOW, I HEARD

YOU'RE GOOD IN SCHOOL.

DO YOU LIKE SCHOOL?

I GUESS SO.

SO...YOU MISS

EVERYBODY, HUH?

YOUR MOM AND...

SAY YES.

YES.

WELL, YOU'RE JUS GOING TO HAVE TO...

DEAL WITH IT.

YOU KNOW,

YOU GOT TO GET STRONG.

GOT TO LEARN:

TO GROW UP.

YOU DON'T ALWAYS

GET CHOICES IN LIFE.

YOUR MOM HAD TO DO IT.

I HAD TO DO IT.

WE HAD TO GROW UP.

WE GREW UP.

YOUR MOM WAS:

MY BEST FRIEND.

SHE WAS MY REAL PAL.

YOU CAN PUT YOUR THINGS

AWAY, CAN'T YOU?

HE WANTS YOU TO TELL

HIM A BIG HELLO.

HE WANTS YOU:

TO TELL HIM:

YOU LIKE HIS FACE.

WHY DON'T YOU

PICK HIM UP:

AND GIVE A BIG, BIG

KISS ON HIS FACE?

I DON'T WANT HER

TO PICK ME UP.

OH, YES,

YOU DO. OOH!

NO, I DON'T.

[DOOR CLOSES]

OH, YOU CRY?

CRY.

IS GOOD TO CRY.

I WON'T CRY!

I WON'T WATCH TV,

AND I WON'T GO

TO SUMMER CAMP,

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