Bonnie Scotland Page #2

the whole affair. You can depend on that.

I'm worried about the lassie.

This romance with my clerk

is more serious than I suspected.

She's got a mind of her own.

And if she decides not to go...

...it will be ruinous for her.

- Of course it would be.

Oh, this love affair, or romance

as you call it, doesn't mean anything.

- Love affairs at that age never do.

- You may be right...

...but I don't like the job

of forcing her to go away.

You won't have to.

The boy will do that.

He seems a reasonable,

manly sort of chap.

I know. You send him to me

and I'll see what can be done.

Oh, I'll do that at once, Your Ladyship.

And thank you again.

Oh, it takes a woman to handle

the affairs of the heart.

I'll say goodbye to you for the present

and thank you for your gracious help.

- Goodbye, Mr. Miggs.

- I'll send the boy to you at once.

Well, here's another nice mess

you've gotten me into.

All the way from America

on a cattle boat...

...for this...

...Mr. McLaurel.

That isn't the way to use that.

Dry these.

Mr. McLaurel.

Mind your own business.

Blown at Waterloo.

What do you think

we'd better do, Ollie?

I expected that.

Every time you get us into a mess...

...you come to me expecting me

to get us out of it.

Well, it wasn't my fault.

What do you mean,

it wasn't your fault?

If you hadn't been so money-mad,

we wouldn't be here.

There we were,

comfortably settled in jail...

...with one more week to serve.

And you had to talk me

into breaking out...

...just to come on this wild-goose chase

of yours.

Well, I guess we'll have to stow

our way back home again.

Go to the jail and tell the warden we're

sorry for the trouble we put him to...

...and maybe we'll get our old cell back.

- Be more comfortable to be there than...

- Why, if we went back there...

...that warden would give us life.

For escaping.

Well, we could go to another jail

where the warden didn't know us.

Serve our week

and nobody would be any the wiser.

Pay our debt to society and then

we wouldn't have to worry a bit...

Why, if we went to any jail

in that state...

...the warden would give us life.

In fact, he'd hang us.

We could go to another state.

You know what we could do?

We could go way, way out west...

...where they'd never find us.

Out west where?

Oh, Philadelphia, Jersey Ci...

Any of those places where

they have no exposition laws.

What do you mean,

"no exposition laws"?

Well, if the police found out

where we were...

...they could come and get us

if we didn't want them to...

If we... If they knew.

That's a very, very, very good idea.

Just as soon as my pants are dry,

we'll formulate...

...our plans.

Step aside.

That's the only pair of pants

I've got in the world.

Alan!

Come, lass. Come, lass.

Now, hurry, hurry, hurry.

I don't want to. Alan!

- Good morning, Mr. McLaurel.

- Good morning, Mrs. Bickerdike.

Where is Mr. Hardy? I haven't seen him

in the past three weeks.

- Oh, he's awful sick.

- Is that a fact?

Hoot, ma'am. You know, the day he fell

in the water, he got an awful cold...

...and it turned into pneumatics.

- Is he very sick?

- You're darn hooting he's sick.

The only thing he can keep on

his stomach is a hot-water bottle.

- My, my, what a predicament.

- Yeah, I think he's got that too.

Well, give him my respects.

- I surely will.

- And also give him this.

It's the bill for three weeks' rent.

I'm getting very impatient waiting

for this estate to get cleared up.

We were talking about that

this morning. I'll see...

- Who's there?

- It's me.

- Come in.

- Are you dressed?

Come in.

Where have you been?

The landlady gave me this.

It's the bill for three weeks' rent.

There are more important things

than this. Did you get me any pants?

- No, but I got something to eat.

- What?

- Where'd you get it?

- I traded our overcoats for it.

That's just like you. Thinking

of your stomach before my pride.

How are you going to cook it?

- I never thought of that.

- No, you wouldn't.

Once again, I have to come

to your rescue...

...and be the mother of invention.

What you going to do?

I'm going to cook the fish...

...over the candle.

I've got an idea that's better

than your mother's invention.

- What?

- Hold this and I'll show you.

A grill.

Put the candle under there

and we can cook the fish on top.

Why, that's exactly

what I intended to do.

Now, give me the fish.

You watch the fish

and see that it doesn't burn.

How does it look?

Never looked better in all its life.

Well, bring it over

because I'm as hungry as a hunter.

Where's the rest of it?

It "shrizzled."

Well, I'm glad you didn't bring

a sardine.

What's going on here?

- Mr. Hardy just had a relapse.

- A relapse?

He's awful sick.

What are you doing?!

Put it out! Put it out! Put it out!

Do something!

Well, do something!

This has gone far enough!

Rent or no rent, get out of my house!

You... You foreigners!

- He can't go out. He hasn't got pants.

- Come on!

Pack up your things and get out!

Get out of my house! Oh, no, you don't!

I'll hold these till you settle up.

- What are you laughing at?

- Why shouldn't I laugh?

Here am I, Oliver Norvell Hardy...

...a man without a home.

A man without a country.

A man without any pants!

- Well, I don't see anything to laugh at.

- Neither do I!

- Isn't that swell?

- Why, that's wonderful.

- What does it say?

- Says we can get a new suit of clothes...

...for nothing. Come on.

- Didn't you hear me say to come on?

- Yeah, but you didn't say which way.

I thought you...

- How do you do, sir?

- How do you do, gentlemen?

What can I do for you?

Why, we read your advertisement

and we've come to accept your offer.

Yeah, we'd like to get measured

right away.

Aye. Well, if you'll just sign your name

to the bottom of that.

Yes, sir.

Now, if you'll follow me, please.

Major, here's a couple

of new customers. Fix them up.

Thank you very much

for your courtesy, sir.

Come here.

Here's the king's shilling.

What's this for?

That's to bind the bargain.

You're now in His Majesty's service.

- What do you mean?

- You're in the army.

What's that got to do with this?

Oh, that's the tailor shop upstairs.

I'm afraid there's been a slight mistake.

We came here to be measured

for a suit of clothes.

Well, don't worry. We'll give you

a suit of clothes you'll be proud of.

- Sergeant.

- Yes, sir?

Have the medical officer thump them

over and take them to the barracks.

Aye. You come along with me.

Come along now, you hear?

Do you think they're kidding?

Why, certainly they're kidding.

They're having the time of their lives.

- Well, let's tell them we're wise to them.

- You heard what the man said.

We're in the army.

Well, I didn't know. I thought

we're coming up to get some clothes...

Now, this is the third deed

you've spoilt in a week.

I want to assist you,

but for the last three months...

...you've not been worth your salt.

Oh, l... I know, Mr. Miggs, but I...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes