Bottom Live: The Big Number 2 Tour

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ACT 1

(Shots of oxford, heavenly music plays. After a while, we see the Apollo theatre, and a giant fart sound is heard as the logo pops on screen. Bottom Live: The Big Number 2 Tour. Inside the theatre, the curtain comes up. The flat is empty)

RICHIE (OFF-SCREEN)

(Groaning) I can't get it in. The hole's too small. Maybe it's the wrong hole. I'll try it the other way up. (grunting) come on, come on, I just want to get it in. Oh it's no good, it must be the wrong key. Oh no it's not, it's a sausage. OH NO, IT'S MY KNOB! No wonder it was too small. Ah. Ah, here we are, thank god. Ha. Darling, i'm home. WUAH!

(Thudding and clattering sounds. It's evident that Richie has fallen down the stairs.)

RICHIE (OFF-SCREEN)

Get off, I need help! I need help! Ow, get off. Right!

(Footsteps can be heard thudding back up the stairs. Richie enters through the right door, carrying two bags with something green on his left foot. The audience cheers, Richie waits for them to stop.)

RICHIE:

Alright! Who left the rotting tortoise on the top step?

(Richie lifts up his foot to show the tortoise.)

RICHIE:

EDDIE! EDDIE? Eh-duh-duh-EEEEEE? Oh, great, i'm all alone!

(Richie sighs in exasperation before he realizes what he just said, upon which, he gets a lecherous look on his face.)

RICHIE:

Oh great. I'm all alone.

(He inches closer to the left hand side of the room, fondling his testicles, and his nipples.)

RICHIE:

Right, where's that Freeman's catalogue?

(He finds it on the coffee table)

RICHIE:

Ah, here we are.

(He picks it up, and upon opening it, has a delighted expression on his face.)

RICHIE:

Ah Hah! The correct page. Ling-air-ee-ay (lingerie.)

(He growls lecherously, before blowing on his hand while vigorously shaking it. He peruses the catalogue with his finger, trying to determine which model to settle on.)

RICHIE:

You.

(He blows on his hand one more time, before pulling his trousers, and underpants, out in front of him with one hand, and poising his “preferred” hand above his crotch. Before commencing, Richie shouts one more time to confirm.)

RICHIE:

Eddie?

(No answer, Richie starts to shove his hand down the front of his jeans. But then...)

EDDIE (OFF-SCREEN)

Yeah?

RICHIE:

Woah, Jesus!

(The shock sends Richie stumbling backwards)

RICHIE:

Christ, I nearly got Wanker's Whiplash then!

(Richie's hand is still shaking, going absolutely mental. Richie looks at it with concern.)

RICHIE:

Bloody hell! Eddie, get downstairs immediately.

EDDIE (OFF-SCREEN)

No!

RICHIE:

I've got the sprouts

EDDIE (OFF-SCREEN)

Go and see a doctor.

RICHIE:

Look Eddie, get down here and help me unload my vegetables.

EDDIE (OFF-SCREEN)

I shall do no such thing, you foul pervert!

RICHIE:

Look, enough of the crap d-oo-ble entendre's. Get down here this instant, young man!

EDDIE (OFF-SCREEN)

(enunciating) I cannot come down.

RICHIE:

And why not, pray??

EDDIE (OFF-SCREEN)

Because...

(Eddie imitates a fanfare.)

EDDIE (OFF-SCREEN)

...I'm already...

(Eddie bursts from the fridge.)

EDDIE:

...DOWN!

(The audience applauds. Eddie waits for them to stop. They don't. He checks his watch, impatiently. After a while…)

EDDIE:

Oh, f*** it!

(Eddie decides to go back into the fridge. He comes back out again, but the audience just cheers louder. Then he goes back in again. He opens the door, and closes the door, each time he opens it again, the audience cheers again, like they're the light switch inside. Eventually, Eddie just gives up, walks out and faces it.)

EDDIE:

You realize they'll be f***ing closed now.

(He points to his watch.)

EDDIE:

Ah, good morning Hammersmith. Oh, I feel great today.

(Richie merrily laughs at Eddie's high spirits, but is immediately shut up when Eddie punches him out.)

EDDIE:

OOH, look at the time. Just in time for a little bit of Anne and Nick.

(Eddie turns on the TV. It's so temperamental, that it gives him an electric shock even touching it. He rearranges his bollocks.)

EDDIE:

Oh yes, there they are. You sad PATHETIC WANKERS!!!!!

(He flicks the V's at the tv screen. Then turns it off again, getting another electric shock. He rearranges his bollocks again.)

EDDIE:

That's better. Morning Richie.

RICHIE:

Morning Eddie.

(Richie's face is contorted from Eddie's attack. He shifts it back to normal.)

EDDIE:

Have you seen my tortoise?

RICHIE:

OH, OH, HA HA HA! So it's your tortoise, was it?

EDDIE:

Not exactly, no, I was looking after it for Jeffrey Nasty.

RICHIE:

Jeffrey Nasty?

EDDIE:

Yeah, Jeffrey Nasty the Psychopathic Penis Remover. And Gangland Boss. The one they have simply nicknamed “Oooh F***!”

(Richie looks petrified.)

EDDIE:

So, have you seen my tortoise?

RICHIE:

Uh, it's just popped out.

EDDIE:

Oh good, oh good.

RICHIE:

Of it's shell. Oh god, i've squished Jeffrey the Psychopathic Penis Remover's pet Tortoise.

(Richie removes the tortoise with a very squelchy squishy noise, followed by a pop.)

RICHIE:

God, this is it, isn't it? Goodbye old pal. Small chum.

(Richie fiddles about down there, unable to find it.)

RICHIE:

Where are you? Oh there you are!

(Richie gets down on his knees in prayer.)

RICHIE:

Oh lord, spare me. Would it spoil some vast eternal plan if you were to leave me with my quarter of an inch?

EDDIE:

Hey Richie?

RICHIE:

Yes, what is it, Eddie, old pal?

EDDIE:

I was only joking.

RICHIE:

What!?

EDDIE:

Yeah, I was just trying to make you sh*t your pants.

RICHIE:

Well it ruddy well worked!

EDDIE:

Yeah, I can smell that from here. It's not even a tortoise. Look, it's my great uncle’s First World War helmet that next door's poodle has shat in.

RICHIE:

You complete bastard!

EDDIE:

That's right, Richie. It's just another day in paradise.

RICHIE:

Oh god, I only put these underpants on in February. Well, it was sometime in the beginning of the year, anyway. I know it was cold, I was almost down to an eighth. (realizing) Hey, what the ruddy heck were you doing in the fridge?

EDDIE:

Cooling down. While you were out I had Claudia Schiffer round, with a few of her supermodel chums, you know? For a bit of a non-stop vigorous steamy sex session.

(Richie gets noticeably turned on by this)

EDDIE:

So vigorous was it, in fact, that I'm afraid, I accidentally snapped Naomi Campbell. She's in the umbrella stand awaiting a little erudite.

RICHIE:

You mean you were in the fridge looking for the lager?

EDDIE:

I mean, I found the bloody lager, matey, and couldn't be f***ed to move.

RICHIE:

Well, that's just effing marvellous, isn't it? Half past ten in the morning, i've shat my pants, you're completely drunk, and the Queen's coming in... LORDY! LORDY! Where's my f***ing watch!?

EDDIE:

The Queen?

RICHIE:

Yes, and stand up when you say that.

(Eddie stands.)

EDDIE:

The Queen?

RICHIE:

Yes, and kneel down when you say that.

(Eddie kneels)

EDDIE:

It's no wonder she's so f***ing unpopular.

(The audience laughs and cheers, Richie looks at them warningly.)

EDDIE:

The Queen?

RICHIE:

Yes, Eddie, yes, you know very well, the Queen of Great England is coming here today to have tea in our flat.

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