Boy

Kia Ora

My name is Boy,

and welcome to my interesting world.

My favourite person

is Michael Jackson.

He is the best singer and dancer

in the world.

Last month he put out a record

called 'Thriller'.

It sold a gazillion copies

and now he lives in a castle

with a snake and a monkey.

He is so famous that you can

even see him in the stars.

I live in a white house

with my nanny and my cousins...

Hucks, Kiko, Miria, Chay and Kelly.

I have a pet goat called Leaf.

I also have a six-year-old brother

called Rocky.

- (PEOPLE JEER)

BOY:
Loser!

He thinks he's got powers.

- (BANG!)

- (PEOPLE SCREAM)

He doesn't.

Bye-bye my Moko's

Yesterday

my nan went away to a funeral.

While she's gone

I'm in charge of the house.

(ENGINE REVS)

I go to Raukokore School.

I have many favourite subjects,

including art...

(LAUGHS)

...social study...

...and Michael Jackson.

My friends are Dallas

and her sister Dynasty.

They also have a sister

called Falcon Crest.

Dynasty is the only girl

around here with a job.

She does after-school gardening work

for her dad.

Aunty Gracey is my mum's sister.

She has lots of jobs.

(GRUNTS)

She's the tennis coach,

the mailman, the school bus driver

and she runs the local shop.

Aunty, can I have

a free iceblock, please?

(WHINES)

My real name is Alamein.

I'm named after my dad

and he's named after some place

where the Maori battalion

fought during World War II.

Dad's brothers and sisters

are Faenza, Tunisia, Libya

and Michael Jackson.

My dad's not here right now.

He's a busy man.

He's a master carver,

deep-sea treasure diver,

the captain of the rugby team

and he holds the record for punching

out the most people with one hand.

When he comes home he's taking me

to see Michael Jackson live.

The end.

Thank you, Boy.

Tane, your turn. Get up there.

TANE:
My name is Tane...

Young man, you're a liar.

Your dad's not overseas.

- He's in jail for robbery.

- Shut up, Kingi. You don't know.

Yes, he's in the same cell block

as my dad.

Not anymore. He escaped.

- How?

- He dug a hole underneath the fence.

- With what?

- A spoon.

(SIREN WAILS)

What about the guards?

- Aarggh!

BOY:
He wasted them.

BOY:
With the spoon.

- Aarggh!

(GROANS)

- Bullshit.

- Shut up, Kingi, you don't know.

(TANE SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

(WHISPERS) Look at me.

Look at me. Look at me.

Look at me. Look at me.

Look at me. Look at me.

Look at me.

Go and talk to her, bro.

A man needs to tell a woman

how he feels.

I don't want to talk to her.

Tane would. He'd probably

French kiss her too.

You French kiss

all the girls, eh, bro?

Pretty much.

Not all the girls.

Well, here's my trick.

I tell the girls that

I'm afraid of undies

and when they want me to go away,

they show me their undies.

(LAUGHS)

Act cool. Act cool. Here she comes.

(WHISPERS) Go do something.

Hey, Chardonnay, want to see

some Michael Jackson dance moves?

He did those moves at the Grammys.

Al, the boy's afraid of undies.

(GIGGLES)

Nits, nits, nits, nits, nits.

Who here has had nits?

- (ALL SPEAK INDISTINCTLY)

- Oi, shut up.

Now, who knows what disease

this sheep has got?

AIDS.

- Not AIDS, you dork.

- (ALL LAUGH)

Yes, because it looks like Murray

and he's got AIDS.

Don't be stupid.

Kids can't get AIDS... only gays.

He's a gay.

He goes out with Boy.

Shut up, Kingi.

Ohh! What are you gonna do?

Get your brother on me or something?

That picture looks like

Kingi's undies

when he shat his pants

on sports day, remember?

- F*** up, Boy.

- You f*** up.

- You f*** up.

- You f*** up.

- F*** up.

- Hey!

Both of you f*** up

or I'll send you to the principal!

Now, who's heard of the plague?

You. Your mum had it.

F*** you!

Hey, you bloody kids, cut it out!

WOMAN:
Simon says touch your nose.

TEACHER:
Move your bloody arse.

Now get all your crayons.

(SPEAKS MAORI)

School's finished!

Oi.

You alright, Boy?

You want to talk about it?

He made fun of my mum.

He's a d*ckhead.

It's just words, Boy.

People call me a dumb honky

all the time.

I don't go around punching them out.

- Why not?

- Because they're usually children.

That was a good speech you did.

Looks like we might have an orator

on our hands, eh?

- What's that?

- (SPEAKS MAORI)

Oh, yeah, my dad was good at that.

Yeah, I went to school with him.

Yeah, he was a good student.

Like you, full of potential.

Finish to the end here

and go home, eh?

Hey, Mr. Langston,

what does that word mean...

'potential'?

Ah, it's 3:
30, mate... I'm off duty.

You have a good holiday, eh.

Touch my brother again

and I'll kick both your nuts off.

Then you'll have none. OK?

- OK?

- OK.

Oh, man.

This one has all got magic powers,

this fella can jump real high,

this fella can run real fast,

this fella can blow things up

and this fella can turn invisible.

Rocky, you have to come home.

But I'm drawing.

Hurry up, fool.

I got better things to do than this.

Finish it off later.

Bloody hell, you're a nuisance.

Making me walk all the way down here.

Bye, Mum.

I want you to stop hanging around

down there. It's creepy.

And stop being so weird.

Hurry up, egg.

Bloody egg.

What are you? An egg.

Rotten egg.

Scrambled egg. Boiled egg.

Poached egg.

Bloody hell.

(SPEAKS MAORI)

Crayfish again.

(MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY ON TV)

So if you fellas live in the middle,

may as well stay home

because no bloody good anywhere else.

(ALL LAUGH)

What do you want to do, eh, Leaf?

We might as well just stay here, eh?

Oh, man, had a massive day

at school today.

There was a big-ass rumble at school.

Most of the children were involved.

I wasn't, because I'm a good boy.

I don't like fighting, eh.

Far, lots of things happened,

but what else?

Oh, yeah.

I seen my girlfriend, Chardonnay.

She invited me back to her house

and we had McDonald's to eat.

It was yum.

Why do you like to eat

other people's rubbish, eh, Leaf?

(DOGS BARK

AND THUNDER RUMBLES)

Storm's coming.

Who are you?

Boy.

What boy?

Alamein.

Alamein.

Yeah.

Alright, I'm your dad.

Oh! Hey, Dad.

- Hey.

- Welcome back.

- Good to see you.

- Good to see you.

How's it been going?

Good. How's it been going with you?

(CHORTLES) Good.

Now, where's Mum?

My mum, you know, your nanny?

Oh, she's not here at the moment.

She's at a tangi down Wellington.

Someone passed away.

- When's she getting back?

- Sometime next week.

Rocky, come over here. Meet Dad.

Dad, this is Rocky.

Rocky, this is Dad.

Yeah, how are you, Rocky?

Good to see you, man.

Too much.

Say hello, egg.

Hello, egg.

(PASSENGERS LAUGH)

That's Kelly.

Yeah, niece, I'm your uncle...

Alamein.

Oh, great. Another one.

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