Bride & Prejudice

(Line of prayer sung in Punjabi)

(Low conversation)

This is the conveyor belt?

Mind out.

Wait, wait, wait.

Balraj! Can you get the other one?

Can you check this one?

l just did.

AMERlCAN:
This is mayhem.

This is like bedlam.

Good, isn't it?

What do you mean

it's a bit like New York?

WOMAN:
Better get used to it, Darcy.

We're here for two weeks.

(Street vendors shout)

(Bellowing)

(Car horns beep)

Jesus, Balraj, where the hell

have you brought me?

(Woman shouts) Hurry up, you silly girls!

We must make sure Jaya meets

this Mr Balraj from London before anyone else.

All mothers think that any single guy

with big bucks must be shopping for a wife.

l'm embarrassed to say,

but l hope he is.

What, shopping or loaded?

Well, both.

Lakhi, you think your mother

has gone crazy?

That l am letting you wear that?

l told you, Lakhi. lt's very vulgar.

But, Mama. lt's killing, Mama!

Oh, if it's killing, it's what everyone's

wearing in Mumbai.

But we want Balraj to look into Jaya's eyes,

not your mames.

She's our only hope.

lf we do not get the eldest married first,

we'll never be able to marry rest of you

for the shame.

(Music plays inside)

Come on, Lakhi, it's only a party.

Save your fussing for the big wedding tomorrow.

Papa, just chill. Let me fix my dupatta.

Oh! Nameste.

WOMAN:
Chandra, make sure you smile.

Now, sit back.

- Hi, Lakhi.

- Hi.

Hello, dear.

- Can we sit here?

- Of course!

- Mama, we'll go and see the bride.

- OK, come soon.

- Chandra, don't be too long.

- OK.

Oh, this must be the famous Balraj from UK.

He's from the Uppal family of Delhi, you know.

Hey, Balraj, you made it in one piece

from London.

MRS BAKSHl:
ls that his name?

l completely forgot

groom is bringing guest from England.

Apparently, he's a barrister.

ls that right? A barrister?

And his family live in Windsor,

near the Queen's castle.

Really? Next to the Queen?

CHANDRA'S MOTHER:

Oh, his sister is looking so lovely.

So fair, nah?

- Who's that Englishman with him?

- He's American.

His name is William Darcy.

He was Balraj's fast friend at Oxford.

From one of the richest families in America.

They own hotels all over the world.

Shame he's not lndian, though.

(Both laugh)

Sure you're OK about going away to London?

You only met him twice.

He's nice and so is his family.

You need to get out of this town, Lalita.

You know there's nothing for you here.

All the guysjust want girls from rich families.

Papa needs me. l couldn't leave.

His friend Balraj is great.

He's looking for a girl too, you know.

Good Lord, is it me,

or is every woman over 50 giving you the eye?

Don't be dense, Darcy.

Every mother in this room is wetting

her knickers for him for their daughters.

- Can we leave yet?

- Kiran, l'm his best man.

l can't just bail out on him, can l?

lt's 1 0am in New York.

l wouldn't mind getting back early

so l can go through the financials

on that hotel in Goa.

Will you stop working, just this once?

And you stop being such a coconut.

This is our dear, dear motherland. Enjoy it.

The only thing lndia's good for is losing weight.

Are you sure this is safe to eat?

l don't want to get Delhi belly on my first day.

(Lively drumming starts)

(Cheering)

- What's happening now?

- The lndian version of American ldol.

l hope you've brought earplugs.

This is where the girls tease the boys,

and the boys tease the girls.

KlRlN:
Brace yourself, Darcy.

He's about to transform

into the lndian MC Hammer.

What are they like?

(Singing in Punjabi)

DARC Y:
What are they singing?

Oh, these pretty girls

fluttering temptingly like kites without string.

These girls are like naked live wires.

lf you get too close,

you'll get an electric shock of love.

Ooh!

Oh, my gosh, she's beautiful!

There's still time.

(Laughter)

That's fantastic. Thank you.

- (Cheering)

- Come and dance.

You must be joking.

The two of you, dance.

(Whistling and cheering)

KlRAN:
Let go of me!

Thank you.

Darcy, what are you doing?

- My drawstring keeps coming undone.

- Let's see.

l don't know why

you made me wear these pants.

Why don't we just alert the media?

GlRL:
She's too outrageous.

l'm telling you, she'll give us all a bad name.

You know she is spending all night texting boys?

Lakhi.

Stop it now. Lakhi.

Good evening, sir.

We're from the groom's side.

We'd like to introduce ourselves, if we may.

l'm Balraj.

- This is my sister Kiran.

- Hi.

- And my good friend William Darcy.

- Hello.

Very nice to meet you all.

Er, l'm Chaman Bakshi.

May l introduce my family to you?

This is my wife, Mrs Manurma Rama Bakshi,

and, er, these are my daughters:

Jaya, Lalita, that's Lakhi and that's Maya.

Four daughters in one family!

God has blessed you four times over.

Such a pleasure

to make your fine acquaintance.

BALRAJ:
Would you do me the honour?

Papa?

Of course, of course. Please, please.

Darcy, why don't you ask

one of Jaya's lovely sisters to dance as well?

No.

Um, l'm sorry. l can't. l must get back and work.

l have a conference call.

But it's easier than you think.

- l can show you.

- No, l really can't.

Maybe another time.

Rich American.

What does he think -

we are not good enough for him?

(Low conversation)

You should have seen Mrs Lamba's face.

Balraj didn't dance with any other girl all night.

l knew he wouldn't be able to resist

my pretty Jaya's charms.

Mama.

Or yours, l'm sure.

Just imagine - if Jaya went to live in UK,

we could visit her any time.

l would hate to have my daughters so far away.

But we have so many.

One or two can go abroad.

They'll earn more. God knows they need to,

because we can't afford to give them

all decent dowries.

Perhaps we should have drowned some

at the time of their birth.

We wouldn't have had these problems

if we had gone to US.

Did l tell you about this fellow

who went to America and made it rich?

My brother did all the paperwork to sponsor us

but you didn't want to leave.

This fellow went to America

and bought a huge American house

and built three swimming pools.

Now he owns three Subway franchises

in New Jersey.

And what do we have?

An old house, an old farm, and new bills.

So when his father visited from lndia,

he showed him around his mansion

and three swimming pools.

His father asked,

''But, son, why do you need three pools?''

So he said proudly, ''Well, one is filled

with cold water for when l feel hot.

The second is filled with hot water

when l feel cold.''

The father nodded and said,

''But why is the third pool empty?''

He said, ''Well, that's when

l don't feel like swimming at all.''

(Daughters laugh)

Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha.

Listen, Balraj, if you really wanna get married,

hook up with an lndian girl from England,

or even America.

You'd have something in common.

Look, l didn't have any problems

talking with Jaya, did l?

She's intelligent, she's beautiful.

Come on, Bal.

Look around you.

You said it yourself, man.

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