Bruce Almighty

INT. KOWOLSKI'S BAKERY - KITCHEN - DAY

A news crew shuttles around a GIGANTIC COOKIE. Standing by

are the KOWOLSKI BROTHERS, GUSTOV and VOL, two SHORT, STOCKY,

MEN, along with MOTHER KOWOLSKI and other bakery family

employees. A "30 YEAR ANNIVERSARY" sign hangs in the

background.

BRUCE NOLAN looks into a make-up mirror, desperately trying

to place a large segment of wayward hair.

BRUCE:

Oh, God, no! The hair's wrong.

This is a bad sign.

(calling out)

We really need to get a make-up

person?!

The segment producer, ALLY LOMAN, steps over.

ALLY:

Not in the budget. And not to *

*

worry, you're going to look great

in this.

She holds out a HAIR NET.

BRUCE:

A hair net? I'm not wearing a hair

net. I just did the hair.

ALLY:

(matter of fact)

Health code. In the kitchen or

around the cookie, you gotta have

it.

BRUCE:

(to crew:
re hair net)

You guy's should tell me this

before hand, this is like a huge

waste of...moose.

Bruce spreads the hair net, bends down out of frame, comes up

looking ridiculous and very disgruntled.

BRUCE:

Remind me to swing by an elementary *

school after this and serve lunch.

Ally laughs.

2.

ALLY:

You're a thing of beauty. In

three, two, one. . .

Bruce SNAPS from pissed to instant charismatic TV newsman.

(Note:
Whenever Bruce speaks on camera he speaks in his

"REPORTER'S VOICE" - that recognizable, too-smooth delivery

that all news reporters seem to have. In mathematical terms

Bruce's version is to the 7th power.)

BRUCE:

For three decades the Kowolski

Family Bakery has been a mainstay

in downtown Buffalo. Known for

their sinfully rich, cream filled,

deep fried polski pierogis. And

the occasional sugar induced coma

that follows. Today, in honor of

their 30 year anniversary, Momma

Kowolski and her sons Gustov and

Vol, decided to do something, a

little bit different. Tell me

guys, how did this idea come about?

GUSTOV:

Well, Vol said to me, 'Gustov, why

don't we make the biggest chocolate

chip cookie in Buffalo?' And I

said, 'Yeah, sure.'

BRUCE:

Wow. Fascinating.

Bruce steps up to the HUGE COOKIE.

BRUCE:

The previous Buffalo cookie record

was 3 feet, 17 inches baked by

Gladys Pelsnick. But this behemoth

cookie clearly proving that Gustov

and Vol have much more free time.

The Kowolski brothers and all celebrate in the background,

toasting with big mugs of milk. Bruce steps forward, looks

dramatically at camera, slow zoom in as he speaks.

BRUCE (CONT'D)

As we witness the ceremonial

toasting with milk it makes one

pause and think. What are we

really looking at here?

(MORE)

3.

BRUCE (CONT'D)

Is it just a big cookie or does

this cookie represent the pride of

Buffalo? Our dedicated and hard

working citizens the key

ingredient, with a few nuts thrown

in.

(motions his eyes to the

Kowolski twins)

And finally, the love of our

families which provides the warm

chewy center making our beloved

Buffalo the sweetest place to live.

Camera is in CLOSE as Bruce signs-off.

BRUCE (CONT'D)

And that's the way the cookie

crumbles. I'm Bruce Nolan,

Eyewitness News.

Bruce's hair net SLIPS UP, PUFFING HIS HAIR INTO A BUN ON THE

TOP OF HIS HEAD. The Kowolskis and bystanders all laugh.

The frame FREEZES.

We PULL BACK from the TV and find Bruce holding the remote,

watching the recorded spot on TV. We are now...

INT. BRUCE AND GRACE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Bruce is with his longtime girlfriend, GRACE. She has a box

of photos on the coffee table in front of her organizing them

into a photo album.

BRUCE:

So, what do you think?

GRACE:

It's good.

BRUCE:

It sucks. It's a story about a

cookie. People with eating

disorders will be riveted,

(goes into huge pathetic

fan character)

Dear Bruce, love the bakery piece.

I can't wait to vomit so I can make

room for more cookies.

GRACE:

I thought it was funny. I love the

hair net. How'd you get it to do

that?

4.

BRUCE:

What? I'm cutting that. They made

me wear that stupid thing. I don't

even look like myself. The hair is

one of the most important parts of

an on camera persona. Right out of

the gate, I lost the hair

advantage.

Grace looks at a photo,

GRACE:

Oh, my gosh, look at this one. My

sister is so drunk.

She places it in the album.

BRUCE:

Grace. Try to stay focused here.

I need your help.

GRACE:

Aren't you taking this a little too

seriously?

BRUCE:

It's sweeps Grace. It is serious.

There's an anchor job open. This

is important. This is our future!

Bruce points to the TV as he says "future," not realizing

he's pointing at the ridiculous image of himself with the

hair net bun. Grace can't help but giggle.

GRACE:

I'm sorry.

Bruce collapses into Grace's arms like a child. He clearly

has a fragile temperament.

BRUCE:

(sighs)

I'm never going to get anchor doing

these kind of assignments. I want

my work to matter.

GRACE:

It does matter. You're funny. You

make people smile. Come on, take a

break, help me put this album

together.

BRUCE:

(reluctant)

Alright.

Grace holds up a photo.

GRACE:

Oh look at this. It's the first

day we moved in together.

It's the two of them, younger, laughing.

BRUCE:

(down)

Yeah, so full of hopes and dreams.

GRACE:

Oh, here's me at my sister's

wedding. I caught the bouquet.

It's a picture of Grace overpowering the other bridesmaids

for the bouquet.

BRUCE:

You look pretty intense, hun.

GRACE:

Well, I was thinking about you.

Grace cuddles into Bruce.

BRUCE:

So, you're attracted to me in some

way, is that what you're trying to

say?

Grace rolls over onto Bruce.

GRACE:

You have no idea.

BRUCE:

I was saving myself for the wedding

night, but if you keep this up, I

may lose my resolve.

Grace stands, pulling Bruce up.

GRACE:

Well, that's the way the cookie

crumbles.

They kiss, stumbling toward the bedroom.

Rate this script:4.5 / 2 votes