Bruce Almighty Page #2

6.

BRUCE:

Hey, that's a good line, but you

need more resonance. From the

diaphragm.

(newscaster voice)

That's the way the cookie crumbles.

GRACE:

Oh, say it again.

BRUCE:

(bigger)

That's the way the cookie crumbles.

GRACE:

(sweet, southern groupie)

Oh, I just love on-air

personalities.

BRUCE:

(newscaster voice)

Well then, let me take these

clothes off and slip into my hair

net.

Grace laughs, Bruce joins in as they disappear into the

bedroom.

CUT TO:

A TELEVISION SCREEN

We see the INTRO FOR SIXTY MINUTES:

NEWS CLIP:

I'm Ed Bradley, I'm Merely Safer,

an d I ' m --

LESLIE STAHL is HIT IN THE NECK WITH A TRANQUILIZER DART.

Her head wavers, then DROPS on the desk. The camera PANS to

BRUCE, who lowers a bamboo blow gun, cooly addresses camera.

BRUCE:

...Bruce Nolan. And this is Sixty

Minutes.

THE SIXTY MINUTES TICKING CLOCK

DISSOLVE TO:

BRUCE'S ALARM CLOCK - IT RINGS

We are in. . .

7.

INT. BRUCE AND GRACE'S APARTMENT - MORNING

Bruce lies next to Grace with a big smile on his face. Grace

hits the alarm, rolls over snuggling close to Bruce.

GRACE:

Sweety, time to get up...

She kisses Bruce, gets up.

BRUCE:

No, I'm having a great dream.

The covers are RIPPED OUT OF FRAME. Bruce throws a mock

hissy fit.

INT. BEDROOM - MORNING

Bruce watches TV as he buttons his shirt.

SPORTSCASTER:

...and the Sabers lost another

close one last night. Four to

three to the Toronto Maple Leafs.

BRUCE:

Of course they lost, they're my

team.

CUT TO:

MOMENTS LATER:

Bruce checks his hair in the mirror practicing his new sign-

off.

BRUCE:

"And that's the way the cookie

crumbles."

(calls to Grace)

You know, I think there might be

something to that cookie line.

Everything great anchor has his own

signature sign-off.

(as Walter Cronkite)

"And that's the way the cookie

crumbles."

ANGLE - SAM

Peeing in the corner on the carpet.

8.

BRUCE:

Oh no! Grace, the dog!

GRACE (O.S.)

I'm in the shower!

BRUCE:

Ah!

INT. APARTMENT STAIRCASE

Bruce runs along carrying the peeing Sam with extended arms

dodges a man ascending the stares, who gets sprinkled.

BRUCE:

Whoops, sorry.

EXT. APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Bruce makes it outside, sets Sam down on the grass. Sam

looks up innocently at Bruce, finished.

BRUCE:

Oh, you're all done, huh?

B-e-a-utiful.

EXT. SMALL WONDERS DAY CARE - MORNING

Bruce pulls up in his Ford Tauras to a cluster of cars

unloading kids. A 2003 MERCEDES SRL passes by.

GRACE:

Wow, nice car, huh?

BRUCE:

Yeah, if you want to rub your

success in people's faces.

Then Bruce notices a big medical van in front of the school

with a BLOOD DRIVE SIGN.

BRUCE:

What's with the hubbub?

GRACE:

We're having a blood drive.

BRUCE:

Creepy. Needles, yech...

GRACE:

Oh, that's a nice response.

9.

BRUCE:

I mean, it's just s o . . .

GRACE:

Helpful and life saving?

BRUCE:

C'mon, that's your...blood. It's

in your body and I don't think it's

supposed to come out. Besides,

they stockpile that stuff. They

have an endless supply frozen in a

warehouse somewhere then tell

everyone there's a shortage.

GRACE:

They do not. Now stop it. I'm *

giving. I have a very rare blood *

type, AB positive.

BRUCE:

Well, I'm IB positive. IB positive

they aint touchin' me with no

needle.

Grace sighs in exasperation, starts out when...

GRACE:

(suddenly remembers

something)

O. . .

h

She places a STRING OF PRAYER BEADS on the rearview mirror.

BRUCE:

What's that?

GRACE:

Prayer beads. The kids made 'em.

Keep you safe.

BRUCE:

Well, I hope they work, cause it's

going take a miracle to get me to

work on time.

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

Bruce is stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. He stares at the

prayer beads with a "thanks alot" look.

10.

A big accident ahead. Bruce looks at his watch, he's

screwed. A person is CARRIED BY ON A STRETCHER, Bruce is

oblivious.

BRUCE:

This is just my luck.

Bruce's BEEPER sounds. He checks it.

BRUCE.

The meeting's starting, perfect...

(thinks)

Screw it.

He looks to the right of the car in front of him, then peels

off onto the shoulder, passing tons of cars.

BRUCE:

(laughs)

Catch you later, lemmings 1 It's

kill or be killed, only the strong

survive, no guts, no glory1

SFX:
SIREN

Bruce pulls over, fumes.

BRUCE:

(looking heavenward)

Thank you.

EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY

Bruce screeches into a space, races out of the car, bumping

over a trash can, goes back to pick it up, sees a HOMELESS

MAN who sits peacefully next to a paint bucket and sign

boards. The various "warnings" change daily. Today's SIGN

reads:

R EWE BLIND?

Bruce looks at the sign quizzically for a beat, then

continues on.

INT. NEWSROOM - DAY

Bruce rushes through the newsroom, rounds a corner and runs

right into BOBBY, the endlessly yammering PASTRY CART GUY.

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