Buck Privates Come Home Page #5

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Get up out of there. I sleep

in there. You just put me in.

Don't give me that. You put me

in like a mama puts a baby to bed.

That's my bed. I was already in it.

Stay out of it. That's no

way to treat a return veteran.

Go away.

A return veteran.

When we were overseas,

you didn't fire a gun.

I didn't have to. I did

my fightin' with a knife.

A knife? I had 6,382 to my credit.

Enemies?

No, potatoes.

Oh, stop. Furthermore, I was where

the bullets were the thickest.

Where was that? Underneath

the ammunition truck.

Get up out of there.

Listen, you...

Straighten out that

hooked rug. Hooked rug?

That's what I said. That's no

way to talk about Miss Sylvia.

It's none of our business

how she got it. Oh, go to bed.

Miss Sylvia, hookin' rugs. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Too hard.

Thank you.

Poor Herbie. I should never have let him go

out on that fire escape with that blanket.

Might need it myself.

Are you asleep yet,

Herbie?

Not yet, Slicker, but I'm

just about ready to fall off.

Slicker.

Slicker..

So, that's what you mean when you

complain about the size of the wash.

The minute I go out the door,

that comes in the window.

But Eustace... I'll settle with you later.

First, I want that clothesline Casanova.

Slick.

Herbie.

The other way.

The other way. Slicker.

All right.

Slicker.

Give me your hand. Over the other

side. Slicker, the other side.

Herbie..

Slicker.

Come here. Hey, boy, now.

Slicker. The other way. Come back here.

What's the matter with you?

- You let go of that line.

Who does that line belong to?

Slicker. Get. Get. You'll

have trouble with me.

Will you let go of that line?

I put it up, didn't I? Oh, you did?

Will ya shut up?

You wanna break the rope?

Look, if you don't let go

of that line, I'll cut it.

I'd like to see ya do it.

- Don't coax him, please don't.

He's a nice man.

Slicker.

You keep out of this. Here I am fighting

your battles. And what do you do?

Lie down, take it easy.

- Slicker.

As far as he's concerned, he hasn't

got nerve enough to cut the line.

Oh. Is that so?

Now, listen, Slicker.

Now, wait.

Mister, you wouldn't...

Slicker.

No.

Hey, you, you, mister..

You keep out of this.

Don't. Don't.

No. No.

Pardon me for droppin' in. Herbie Brown.

I think you forgot your gloves, patrolman.

I'm chasin' one of them peddlers,

Captain. He was in my bed.

And when he got up, he put on

your pants. Yes, sir. No, sir.

I mean, I was so excited I forgot.

I'll put them on right

away. Oh, that'll be fine.

And Collins, don't bother

about putting on your shoes.

Where I'm transferring you,

the grass will be so high...

...nobody will ever notice your feet.

But, but, but...

And Collins,

keep your trap shut.

Slicker.. Slicker..

Slicker. Herbie, Herbie, take it easy now.

We gotta get outta here.

Sgt. Collins lives here.

That won't be easy.

Why not? We're veterans.

That ought to give us a priority.

There it is. Hasn't been a house like

this on the market since the war began.

Oh, Slicker, let's get it.

It'll be swell for Evey.

Not so fast. Let's go inside

first. Just a minute, friend.

I promised this to another party.

If you take the time to go inside...

...and he comes along,

I'll have to give him the house.

Slicker, let's get it before

the other guy comes. How much?

735 dollars.

- All right, you've got a deal.

Good, good, you got a deal. Oh, keep quiet.

How much?

735 dollars.

Seven, thirty...

Herbie, you pay him.

'Herbie, you pay him.

' Go ahead. Pay the man.

You put your hand in your

pocket, come out with stuff,

but you're afraid to

release it. Release yours.

Now I know what they mean by

separation pay. Go ahead, 735.

735.735.

There you are, that's swell. Thank you.

Here's your lease. Thank you, sir. That's it.

We're all set. Thank you

a lot. Thanks ever so much.

Okay, Joe.

Oh, boy.

This is our house.

It's all ours. Thanks a lot.

Guess we'll enjoy this.

Hey, Slicker.

Where ya goin'?

735 dollars for a broken-down old bus.

What are you kickin' about? I got

the worst of it. I can't drive.

Oh, boy.

That's a pip.

Bill says it'll do better

than 90 miles an hour.

Get inside.

Oh, no, I will not.

Even standing still,

it's going too fast for me.

Hey, fellas, come here a minute. Come on.

While you are at the bank arranging your...

...loans, I'll have the

corporation papers set up.

Why, aren't you coming with us? Not me.

Because of that car,

I owe money all over town.

I think you'd do better without

me. Show these blueprints.

If they know anything about

engines, you're in. Swell.

And here's a scale model.

Here's how she starts.

Ha.

Look, fellas, take good care of it, will ya?

I spent a lot of time on this little baby.

It was taken right from that one over there.

This little baby was

taken from that one? Yep.

Isn't it young to be

taken away from its mother?

Oh, come on, let's get

to the bank. Pick it up.

I'll take good care of it. See ya later, Bill.

Good luck, fellas. Come on.

I beg your pardon. Who do we

see about getting a G.I. loan?

Mr. Quince. Go right in. Thank you.

Hey, Slicker, look.

J.P. Quince, Private.

Serviceman.

How do you do?

How do you do, sir?

When were you discharged?

Discharged? I've been here six years.

Six years and still a private.

This guy's dumber than me. Quiet.

What can I do for you? We're veterans.

We've come for our $4,000 loan.

I'm afraid it isn't as easy as all that.

According to the G.I. Bill

of Rights, it's here on page 10.

You go to the bank. All

you got to do is... I know.

But first we must be convinced of

the soundness of your enterprise.

You are toy makers?

- Toy makers?

Oh, no. This is a model of

the fastest midget racing car.

Have you had experience

with motors? Oh, yes, yes.

You see, overseas we were assigned

to the jeep section of the motor pool.

Driving them?

- Uh-uh, washing them.

Pay no attention to him. Take a look

at these prints. This is Greek to me.

Would you explain the basic

engineering principles of the car?

I'd be delighted.

Let me have these.

According to these, this car will

accelerate to 85 on the straightaways...

...and decelerate to 55 around the turns.

You understand that?

Yes.

You do?

Then explain it to me.

Well, perhaps I'd better have

one of our experts check it.

You don't have to do that. This model

here, I'd like to demonstrate it.

All you got to do, sir,

is go like this. Watch.

See that?

Take it. I don't want it. I don't want it.

Take it. Turn it off. Turn it off.

Oh, dear.

It's a stickup.

Put it down.

Give us the money, we'll leave.

Herbie?

What happened, Herbie?

Herbie.

What happened?

Speak to me.

Speak up, Herbie.

They got me.

They got ya?

They got me. No, don't tell me that, Herbie.

Herbie? Slicker, take care of Evey for me.

Yes, I'll do that. Brace up,

Herbie. You'll be all right.

Herbie?

I'm going.

Don't say that, Herbie. Slicker.

Take it easy.

Oh.

Take it easy, Herbie. Slicker.

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