Cactus Flower Page #6

of it yourself, Julian,

but your wife

still loves you.

Hmm?

I'm telling you,

your wife still loves you.

Now, did she

or did she not

tell you that she

agrees to a divorce?

But she's only doing it

to make you happy.

She's crazy about you.

Anybody can see that.

Toni, let's stay calm.

Tell me

what the damn fool...

What my wife said.

Well, it's not what she said,

it's what she didn't say.

All right, tell me

what she didn't say.

Word for word.

Well, it was the way

she talked about you,

and your barber,

and your shirts,

and your handkerchiefs.

I got all choked up.

And she mentioned

those chicken and

egg salad sandwiches.

You mean to say she bragged

about her damn sandwiches?

She didn't brag.

She just told me

she made them.

It sounded as if

they were made with love.

Well, they were made

with mayonnaise.

And too much mayonnaise.

And next time

she gives me one,

I'm going to smack her

right across the mouth

with it.

Julian!

There's a very cruel

streak in you.

This fine woman who...

"This fine woman"?

Suddenly you're

my wife's lawyer.

Uh, Toni, you wanted

to see her. I fixed it.

Well, that was

a mistake.

Great.

Maybe if

I never met her...

But I did meet her,

and I liked her.

Especially after

I saw her

with the children.

The children?

She brought the children?

(SIGHS) They were waiting

for her across the street.

Not the little girl,

just the two boys.

Must be those damn nephews.

Incidentally,

how old is Peter?

Peter?

Peter, that's your

older boy, isn't it?

(CHUCKLING) Oh! Yeah.

Yes, that's, uh,

Peter all right.

Well, let's see, how old

would he be now? Um...

You told me

he was eight.

Well, if that's

what I told you.

Well, he looked more

like 12 to me.

Yes, well... No, it's...

It's the younger boy

who's eight.

Peter, uh... Peter is 12.

That's very interesting,

considering you've only

been married 10 years.

Come on, Julian,

the truth.

Well, all right.

The truth is that Peter

was a premature baby.

He was born

before we were married.

I'm glad.

That confirms everything.

How's that?

Don't you see?

Here's a woman

who gave herself to you

before you were married.

That proves

it was true love.

Oh, for

God's sake, Toni.

And I'd feel guilty

if I did anything to...

Toni, I told you

that she wants the divorce

as much as I do.

JULIAN:
And for

a very good reason.

TONI:

What good reason?

What good reason? Huh!

Oh, boy!

(SNORTS)

Another guy.

Your wife? Another man?

I'd be very much surprised.

Toni, that's

the kind of thing

a man with a normal ego

wouldn't lie about.

Well, maybe you're right.

Knowing the fact

that you've been

cheated on,

that you wife did that

to you, makes it all

seem nicer somehow.

Just as long

as you're happy.

Why shouldn't she

have a boyfriend?

After all, you

have a mistress.

You nut.

Julian, if we're going

to dinner and a movie...

Why don't we stay in tonight

and scramble something?

I don't think we ought

to do this anymore.

What?

Well, now that

you're getting a divorce,

we ought to be

more careful.

We wouldn't want this

to get messy.

Of course not.

But, baby...

It's only for six weeks

while your wife

goes to Reno.

Reno? Hell, I'm going

to send her to Mexico

for one of those

quickie divorces.

JULIAN:

In, out, finished, bingo.

(DOOR SLAMMING)

Do you think

he'll marry her?

Who?

Your wife's

boyfriend.

I don't know. Maybe.

Who cares?

I'm curious.

What's...

What's he like?

What does he do?

I haven't

the slightest idea.

I don't know him.

Wouldn't you like to

meet him?

Sort of look him over? Hmm?

Toni, you're getting

that look

in your eye again.

Two, please.

Julian, this man

may become your

children's stepfather,

maybe he'll rob your wife,

exploit her, beat her!

You have to arrange

for us to meet him.

No.

(CAR HONKING)

All right, I'll do it myself.

Now that I know her,

I'll just call her.

No, no, no, you mustn't!

Julian, if you won't do this

one little thing for me...

No, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no!

But it's such a little thing.

All we have to do

is find a man...

No!

And now, if you'll

excuse me, I...

I have to develop

some x-rays.

I'm afraid I threw

this boyfriend thing

at you too quickly.

I'll get rid of Mrs. Durant,

and then...

It won't

do you any good.

Boy, you're getting

as prickly

as your damn cactus.

(DOOR SLAMMING)

What's going on out there

between you two?

(WATER RUNNING)

Oh, nothing, nothing.

Nothing

in particular.

Don't try to

fool me, Doc.

I have a very good nose

for sexual tension.

(LAUGHS)

That's very funny,

Mrs. Durant.

Very funny.

(WHIRRING)

Open.

(SCREAMING)

(LID CLATTERING)

You'll ruin the x-rays!

Now, listen, Miss Dickinson,

before the next patient

shows up...

No, you listen to me.

You asked me

to pose as your wife.

It was preposterous

but I did it and I think

I did it beautifully.

Problem is, too beautifully.

Toni thinks

you still love me.

Me?

Not you, my wife.

How could she get

a ridiculous notion

like that?

From you.

Nonsense.

I behaved like

a dignified, civilized,

willing-to-be-divorced wife.

Naturally I couldn't take

my situation lightly because

there were children involved.

Why did you have

to bring them along?

That's what choked her up.

I always take

my nephews out

on Saturdays.

If I can't spend

my weekends

as I see fit, Doctor,

me and my cactus

will be glad to resign.

Miss Dickinson,

you know I can't get along

without you.

Of course I do.

You must help me,

Miss Dickinson,

not only as a friend,

but as a nurse.

It's your professional duty.

Ha! Professional.

Yes!

My problems with Toni

are beginning

to affect my work.

Do you know what

happened just now in there?

I hurt Mrs. Durant.

She felt pain.

It's the first time

in my life

I've ever hurt a patient.

Too bad it wasn't

Harvey Greenfield.

Miss Dickinson,

you played the part

of my wife once

and you enjoyed yourself.

Admit it.

You did enjoy it.

Yes. It wasn't too bad.

All right.

Now here's your chance

to play a return engagement.

No actress quits

after one performance.

Oh, so, I lose a husband

and gain a lover?

At least I don't feel

completely abandoned.

Good, wonderful.

Now, all we have to do

is to find someone

to play the part

of your boyfriend.

What about Seor Sanchez?

He keeps sniffing around me.

What about

your brother-in-law,

the dirty Monopoly player?

Doctor, you want me

to act the part

and now you want me

to furnish my own props?

I need a boyfriend,

you find me one.

That's not going

to be easy.

Thanks.

I mean,

we have to find someone

I know I can trust.

(BELL DINGS)

Am I late?

As a matter of fact,

Harvey,

you're just in time.

Not him! Not him!

Hey, what's

going on here?

Boy, does she hate me.

You're wrong

about that.

Harvey, how would you like

to have your girl's teeth

fixed for free?

(MUSIC PLAYING)

I thought

you'd never show up.

You mean,

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