Camp

1

To all the critics

out there,

I know they're going

to review this,

and I know they're

gonna try to knock me...

is it okay if I say this

to camera, Amber? Okay.

I only am who I am

'cause I was born that way.

I have a gift,

and I'm trying not to be

selfish about it, but to use it.

If you're gonna knock me for

that, that's your problem.

Jealousy

will get you nowhere.

And I'm gonna

keep rockin' on.

Ellen, what's

the matter with you?

Don't tell mom I'm taking you

to your stupid junior prom.

Get out of here!

Your brother!

How gross is that?

They don't know

you're my brother.

They don't know

you're my brother.

Please, Ben.

You have to. I'll pay you.

Find someone

who's not related to you.

Loser.

What are you doing here?

Aren't you, like, 30?

Come on!

Excuse me,

is there someplace

we're supposed to check in?

Over there.

Is this your first summer?

I was here last year.

Remember? We were in

'night, mother together.

Remember? We were in

'night, mother together.

Oh.

You're Jill Simmons.

My name's Fritzi.

Fritzi. Of course.

Let me.

You have the number

at the ship.

Call me

whenever you need me.

This is Glen,

the camp director.

Go to him

if you have a problem.

Go to him

if you have a problem.

That's enough, mom.

You're embarrassing me.

We'll take

very good care of him.

Give me a hug.

I can't breathe!

Jenna!

My role model

in everything nubian.

What are you doing here?

I thought you had to go to weight

watchers camp this summer.

We wanted her to,

but she insisted on

going back to camp ovation.

So we compromised

and had her jaw wired shut.

Oh.

You can hardly tell.

Buddy Miller,

sports counselor.

We have a sports counselor?

Of course we do.

You gonna play

some softball this summer?

No.

Aah! Michael!

How you doin', babe?

Why weren't you on the bus?

My sister drove me here.

I'm staying with her.

My god, your face.

He tried to go to his junior

prom in fishnets and heels.

My junior prom,

I stayed home with a roll of

cookie dough and TV land.

I stayed home with a roll of

cookie dough and TV land.

I watched my junior prom

from outside in the bushes

for three hours.

That's so Stella Dallas.

Is Bert Hanley really

directing here this summer?

Bert Hanley?

I thought he retired.

- I thought he died.

- He might have.

He was supposed to

be here two days ago.

How does that happen?

He used to be huge.

He hasn't had a hit

since children's crusade.

He never

wrote another show.

I hope he directs

the benefit this summer.

What are you singing for

auditions for the first show?

- Don't rain on my parade.

- That's original.

With the tugboat.

What is that

supposed to be?

How you doing?

My name's Vlad.

Hi.

Okay if I

use those drawers?

You can go into

anybody's drawers you like.

I don't think

you'll get an argument.

Michael!

Just ignore him.

That's what he's used to.

I'm Ellen, this is Shaun

and Spitzer and Michael.

Bathroom?

Thirty-foot rule.

- No way!

- What's that?

Michael has to stay

30 feet away

until we know

if he's straight or gay.

If he's gay,

I'm Tyne Daly.

Honey, it's just...

Could someone

please shut her up?

Next.

A boy.

An honest-to-god

straight boy.

Cast lists are up.

I will go insane if I don't

get into promises, promises.

I'm in it!

Midnight sun?

Old.

Old.

Lost.

Lost.

Lost.

Two thousand sunsets,

yet not one sunrise.

No, no, no, no!

God damn you all!

You piss on the memory

of the greatest playwright

of the 20th century!

In Cuba, we took our lives in

our hands performing her work,

waiting for Castro's thugs

to burst in and arrest us!

I don't understand

what I'm saying.

Of course you don't,

you middle-class piece of sh*t!

Of course you don't,

you middle-class piece of sh*t!

I'm doing the best I can.

That's what's so tragic.

Leave her alone.

How about you, then?

Have you had even

one painful moment in your life

since the doctor slapped you

on your ass when you were born?

Yeah.

Tell me, then.

Tell me

your most painful moment,

the one that makes you convulse

with sobs when you think of it.

Why would I do that

in front of three strangers?

Why would I do that

in front of three strangers?

To be able to do it

in front of 3,000.

Back to the top,

and try not to screw up

the blocking this time.

Eyes, eyes, nostrils,

silent scream.

I have to

go to the bathroom.

Piss in the dumpster.

Start again!

How was your first day

of rehearsal?

It was okay.

I'm a little

out of my element.

We really do a new show

every two weeks?

And a benefit

at the end of the summer.

Jeez!

Ellen said

you were her hero today

with that crazy director.

Can I ask you

something personal?

What made you come here?

I want to act. Why?

I want to act. Why?

We just don't

get many like you.

Can I ask you

something personal?

Yeah.

You're gay, right?

How do you know?

Have you ever experimented

with heterosexuality?

You mean sleep

with a straight guy? What for?

A girl.

A girl.

I can't even

straighten my hair.

That's too bad.

You'd be a total playa.

Got that whole

Latin thing going.

Get a girl alone,

throw on some salsa,

whisper a little Spanish

in her ear.

You'd make out like a bandit.

I'll keep that in mind.

Is that your father?

That's Stephen Sondheim.

The greatest songwriter

in musical theater.

I don't talk to my parents.

- Why not?

- Enough.

I have to keep

some kind of mystery.

You'll grow bored with me

and move on to someone younger.

- Good night, Mike.

- 'Night, Vlad.

- Good night, Mike.

- 'Night, Vlad.

Did he call me Mike?

Can I help you?

I'm not sure

where I'm supposed to go.

- I'm Bert Hanley.

- Bert Hanley? It's about time.

Where have you been?

You were supposed to

be here two days ago.

You're right.

What's the use in lying?

I've been drinking

for 72 hours.

You've been drinking?

Not the way you make it sound

when you say, "drinking?!"

Not the way you make it sound

when you say, "drinking?!"

I'm fine now, really.

Let's get started.

I'll get those.

I assumed that we would have

some adult time to ourselves.

What show

am I doing, anyway?

Hi!

Hi.

My name's Vlad.

I don't mean

to bother you or anything.

I just wanted to tell you how

excited I am that you're here.

I just wanted to tell you how

excited I am that you're here.

I did a production

of the children's crusade

at school this spring.

And, uh...

At first I did it just to

get close to this girl.

But then it was so good.

It really took the characters

of the kids so seriously.

That's really kind of you

to say.

That song I sing for you,

I listened to the record,

like, a hundred times

I listened to the record,

like, a hundred times

just to get the chords right

on my guitar.

It's not out on cd.

Did you know that?

Yeah, I knew that.

So, what shows have you done

since then, Mr. Hanley?

Thank you very much

for coming by to visit, Vlad.

Thank you.

Just give me a break.

You little ass-kisser.

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