Camp Nowhere

[Birds Chirping]

~~Hey, hey, hey~~

~~Nowhere~~

~~Nowhere~~

~~Nowhere~~

~~Nowhere~~

- ~~Nowhere~~

- [Children Laughing]

[Man] If your son goes to

Camp Microchipewa, he'll learn

more than just computer skills.

How about basketball?

That's right.

Learn to shoot like Akeem and the Shaq, once

counselor Dave shows you the trajectory.

If you're hungry,

Fridays are international fiesta days...

featuring foods from

all over the world...

including this favorite

from Italy... pizza.

Whoops! It's awards day already.

The summer sure has flown by.

At Microchipewa, you'll leave

with good friends, good memories...

and a better understanding

of the job skills of the future.

That's right.

Who says computers have to be boring?

At Microchipewa Computer Camp,

we say that computers are really not... boring.

Boy, I wish they had camps

like that when I was a kid.

Sounds great,

huh, Morris?

- [Woman] It sounds fantastic!

- I'm in hell. Shoot me.

- [Bell Ringing]

- So, did you decide about camp yet?

That guy from MicroCamp

swears they're getting CD-ROMs

with double-speed interfaces.

- Sounds excellent, huh, Mud?

- Yo, dog breath... stay!

Not you, Walter.

I want Mud.

- You're not supposed to

be in this hallway, pud.

- Pud!

- Come on, stop it.

- What a dork!

Hands off, Tim.

This little turd is mine.

You need a bath, man,

in the porcelain jacuzzi.

[Gasps]

Don't let anybody in.

[Bell Ringing]

All right, midget.

You got it?

[Toilet Flushing]

[Gasps, Whispers]

Damn!

Here. You read The Red Badge of Courage

by Stephen Crane.

I analyzed his depiction

of the Civil War.

Uh, so who

do I say won?

- You went for the North.

- Okay.

- Anyway, I say it's good for a C+, easy.

- Cool.

But make the next one

a "B."

So, how you doin', Mud?

[Sighs]

I'm okay.

That musclehead in gym class tried to

hang me up by my underwear again.

Wayne Fletcher? Don't worry.

I've got him covered. Okay, let's do it.

Zack, do we have to?

Look, Mud, I've told you a thousand times.

I've got a reputation.

- [Toilet Flushing]

- Oh-ho, Zack! Please stop it! Oh!

Please, don't stick

my head in the toilet.

I won't use

the hallway again.

Stylin', Mud.

Yup. It's that

"just flushed" look.

- Looks good.

- [Horn Honks]

- Call me later.

- Okay. Bye.

- Call me later.

- Bye.

[Sighs] If that idiot Epstein gives us

another grammar quiz...

I swear I'm gonna wind up in

English as a Second Language.

Or take it over

in summer school.

- I'm already going to summer school.

- Another computer camp?

Yup. My parents won't be happy

till I'm the poster child for

the "Adopt a Dork Foundation."

Yeah, well, better than Camp Broadway.

"Did you get that Clearasil commercial?"

"Well, I'm up for Spaghetti-O's

Extra Meaty." Tres dull.

Oh, Gaby, when's your mom

leaving for the islands?

Right after she puts me

on the bus to Camp Slenderella.

- Oh, gross! Celery sticks and rice cakes again?

- Prison food.

I'll mail you a Twinkie.

- Thanks for waiting, guys.

- Yeah, well, you were busy with

your new delinquent friends.

- Trish, we're not delinquent friends!

- Oh, yeah?

Then how come you get sent to military camp

every summer? 'Cause you like the haircuts?

You know my dad.

"Builds character, Zachary."

- "It's for your own good, Gab."

- "But, Trish, all the other kids are going."

- Wait, how 'bout this one? "It'll be fun."

- Yeah.

Can you believe what Arnold brought

to school today? It was disgusting.

- [Gaby] It was degrading.

- [Zack] That was cool! That was really cool!

- That was so gross.

- [Trish] He needs help.

But, Morris,

it'll be fun.

Dad, all those computer camps

are nerd rehab centers.

I just want to play baseball.

Have some real fun.

The DOS tutorial isn't fun?

[Chuckling]

Come on.

Look, I wouldn't steer you wrong.

I know you think I'm an old fogey

but your old man still knows how to cut loose.

Look, Morris, they have those low-fat,

sugar-free macaroons.

[Man] Not only the best tasting,

pasteurized, processed, non-dairy imitation...

semi-cheese product...

but also

the healthiest.

Now, I'm not a licensed physician,

but I've been to my share of free clinics.

Each serving of Miracle Cheese

contains no sodium, no glucose...

no "mucose" and absolutely

no cholesterol.

Let's talk about

breadstick safety.

Your basic sesame breadstick.

No, it looks harmless enough.

But what if you lose control

at high speeds?

- [Woman Gasps]

- [Cheese Man] Easy Cheese comes in these...

- Now, Morris, I don't want to be

one of those pushy parents.

- It's too late.

Now, what is that supposed

to mean, young man?

- What if I don't want to go

to computer camp?

- Morris, there are plenty...

- of things I'd rather do with $3,000.

- Me too.

- Havarti and Gorgonzola!

- Come on.

Wait a minute!

You are thinking...

cheese with... fish.

- [People Gasping, Laughing]

- Baa-aad.

- [Dad] Morris!

- Well, let's go right to the source.

- [People Laughing]

- Is it just me, or it dry in here?

Thank you very much.

Be kind to

your waitress.

Good night, everybody.

- Morris.

- Not the "potential" thing again?

But that's just what you've got:

Potential.

Anyway, so after all that,

he lays the money guilt thing on me.

- You know, camps cost thousands of dollars.

- Yeah.

I say, give me the money, I'll buy a Harley

and I'll be outta your way the whole summer.

- With that kind of money,

we could just rent our own camp.

- I'd buy a new wardrobe.

- I'd buy The Gap.

- Whoa! Whoa! What'd you say?

Oh, I said, for that kind of money,

we could rent our own camp.

- It's brilliant!

- It's deranged!

- It's suicide.

- Besides, we need an adult to pull it off.

- But we're adults, one for each camp.

- And one really twisted one.

- Who's gonna rent a cabin...

- What'd you just say?

Did you guys hear about the guy

who taught drama before Mr. Ellison?

Yeah, my sister had him.

Tres bizarre, she said.

He tried to do

Silence of the Lambs as a musical.

Anyway, he got fired

and left town.

Yeah, well, he got fired, but

I'm not so sure he left town.

[Gaby]

The cheese guy?

Okay, let's do it. Mud.

[Sighs]

Hi.

Can I help you?

Yeah, uh...

Is your name Dennis Van Welker?

- No. Just inspectin' the hinges here.

- [Brushing Hinges]

Look at that.

Low carbon content.

- Uh, ooh. Are you sure your

name isn't Dennis Van Welker?

- [Gargling]

- [Spits Out Toothpaste]

- He used to be a drama teacher

at King Junior High.

There are no drama teachers

living here.

I mean, I'm assuming the guy's gotta be,

what, five, six feet long.

[Chuckles]

So I'd have seen him.

Why don't you step inside? Now.

Don't make a sound.

Shh. It's show time.

Kid, I think you're sittin' on my teeth.

Quick, gimme, gimme, gimme. Come on.

Your teeth?

Sick! Gross!

Hey, kid,

I owe ya one.

Van Welker!

You in there?

Van Welker!

Van Welker!

[Speaking With Country Accent]

Who the hell are you?

Dennis Van Welker?

Well, glad

to meet you, Dennis.

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