Camp Nowhere Page #2

The name's T.R. Polk.

I'm looking for Dennis Van Welker.

And according to my information,

you're him.

Sorry, man.

Roland J. Orlando.

Wait a minute!

I bought this here trailer

from a feller named Van Welker.

Yeah? Did this Van Welker have a "caar"?

Well, I guess he must've to pull the trailer.

[Chuckles]

In 1979, Dennis Van Welker bought

a Caribbean yellow Gremlin...

from Rasmunsen's AMC-Jeep

in Columbus, Ohio.

- A yellow Gremlin?

- He signed a contract for 48 equal payments...

of $121.43.

He made five.

We're still lookin' for the other 43.

- God! What a swine!

- Hey, come on.

Last year, Rasmunsen

sold the debt...

to Bulldog Collections;

that's me.

- Well, Mr. Bulldog.

- Polk. T.R. Polk.

I retire in October.

When I go, I'm goin' with a perfect record.

So no piss-yellow coupe is gonna

keep me out of the hall of fame.

- [Whistle Blowing]

- Now, what's in the shed?

Look, I really should be gettin'

down to the plant.

[Speaking With Country Accent]

Dad! Dad! Oh, nellie, Dad! It's an emergency!

Uh, the plant just called.

Number three turbine's out of alignment.

Hold your horses there,

Alphonse.

Can't you see I'm helping

this man find a missing car?

Not here.

Of course it ain't.

Sorry about the door.

- Your kid, huh?

- Yup. Heir to the throne.

Well, Van Welker

had no children.

That's a tragedy.

Well, if he turns up, give me a call.

I'd appreciate it.

- So would the Ohio State Police.

- [Engine Starts]

- [Gaby] Don't hit him, Zack.

- I won't.

- [Horn Honking]

- [Gasps]

You know, you really oughta get the Club.

Any idiot can hot-wire a Gremlin.

What do you want from me?

The car was a dog.

Late at night, I used to hear it barking in

the driveway. [Imitates Barking]

Mr. Van Welker,

we don't care about the car.

How would you like

to make $1,000?

A thousand bucks.

Ha!

Chicken feed! Now, if you'll excuse me,

I gotta go call my broker.

- I'm sorry?

- Polk's phone number, Mr. Van Welker.

Oh, I get it.

Shakedown time.

And people say kids today

lack ambition.

[Chuckles]

A thousand bucks, you say?

Hmm.

Mr. Himmel? Dennis Wozniak,

Binary Pines Computer Camp.

Been expecting ya.

Come on in.

Thanks.

- Hey, nice sweater.

- [Chuckling]

In today's job market, you've got to

master the skills of tomorrow, now.

For instance, 379 of the

Fortune 500 companies...

use exactly the same

Novell netware release that we teach.

Here, Mr. Grotowski.

Of course, you should know that our Trish

takes her precious horses pretty seriously.

Acting, Dad! This is theater camp.

Caitlin goes to riding camp.

Of course.

It does sound

interesting, Jerzy.

But she's been so happy at Lake Broadway,

and I think it's...

I don't know,

prestigious.

[Eastern European Accent]

Oh, it is fine program, Mrs. Prescott.

More than adequate.

But how deep can you go

in, uh, six weeks?

At Camp Sleek-Away,

we believe there are no fat people.

There's fat,

and there's people.

- Look, whatever dumb diet

you guys use, it won't work.

- Shh.

She's right.

Diets don't work.

- Chocolate cake works.

- [Scoffs]

Well, it sounds like

a hell of an operation, Savage...

but as I said on the phone, Zachary will be

going back to Camp Steelgrave.

Well, Mr. Dell,

if you're happy with, uh...

Weepy's results...

I won't waste

your time.

Weepy?

Just a nickname

Sergeant Steelgrave picked up in 'Nam.

Isn't that interesting,

Morris?

- You should look up "interesting"

in the dictionary, Dad.

- Morris.

You know, Morris, if you were

an ordinary kid, it wouldn't matter so much.

But you've got such...

- potential.

- [Laughs]

And that is why our season

runs two weeks longer.

- She'd be gone for eight weeks?

- I know it is long time to be separated.

That means we wouldn't have to come back

from Europe until...

When's Parents' Day?

August?

At Shakespeare Hollow,

we do not have Parents' Day.

We feel it encourages

independence.

Say no more, Jerzy.

I think we just have to do

what's right for our little girl.

- Mm-mm-mm-mm-mmm.

- It's fantastic!

- This is great cake!

- [Mumbling] It's very unusual.

I'll be right back.

- God, what'd you do?

- Yours is Betty Crocker.

Hers is raw

liver paste.

So if it tastes like poison,

it must be diet food.

[Phone Ringing]

Son, are you deaf or just stupid?

Answer that phone!

I'm busy.

Get it yourself.

Answer it

or eat it, boy.

- [Ringing Continues]

- I see Weepy's worked wonders.

At Alpha Charlie,

we scrape 'em down to bare metal.

And it's worth it

when they look up at you and say...

"Dad was right, Major Savage. I am scum."

Answer the phone,

son.

- Yes, sir.

- [Ringing Continues]

- Dell residence.

- How's it goin'?

Check or plastic?

- Cash.

- Mission accomplished.

- We're in.

- [Together] Yes!

[Trish]

"Feln's Miracle Spa"?

- [Morris] Yeah, I found it in the newspaper.

- Where? In the obituaries?

Trust me.

It's perfect.

So that's two cabins for the summer.

Am I right?

- If you want more, you gotta call me in Florida.

- So, I don't get it.

- Who built those tepees

and painted that weird bus?

- Ahhh!

That's interesting.

In the late '60s, a bunch of hippies...

made this place

into a commune.

You know, there was all sorts of

sex and drugs and debauchery.

I knew I'd

been here before.

- You mean you did that stuff here?

- No. Not here.

You won't regret this,

Mr. Bandersnatch.

You're in for the most peaceful,

relaxing summer...

of your whole lives.

- [Rumbling]

- [Gasping]

That was the Pineview

Air Force Base.

The 5... 15 flyby,

they call it.

You get used to it.

You get used to it.

Then you miss it when it doesn't happen.

[Chuckles]

- So we should just take the Greyhound.

- The bus?

- Why can't we rent a limo?

- You know what'd be cool?

We should hitchhike.

Yeah. That would be really cool.

And then we should just leave our pictures

behind for them to put on the milk cartons.

- Hey, guys, I've been checking

out the train schedules.

- [Doorbell Ringing]

Hold on a second.

I'll be right back.

- Hitchhike?

- Stupid.

Walter. Hi.

- Pretty slick, Mud.

- What?

I know what you're doing, Mud. That

computer camp you said you were going to;

There's no such camp.

Walter, if you tell anyone,

I'm gonna glue your mouth shut!

Look, I won't tell.

Not as long as you let me come.

- No.

- Okay. If I don't go, you don't go.

All right.

But you can't tell anyone.

I won't.

Walter, who'd you tell?

- Just Betty Stoller. You know,

the redhead girl in Bio Lab.

- You idiot!

- Come on, at her old camp,

they used to go skinny-dippin'.

- [Trish] No way!

I am not sharing a sink

with Betty Stoller!

I mean, she has food

stuck in her braces from last Christmas.

You're all in on this.

Walter, if you tell anybody

else, you're dead meat!

- Look, I won't tell.

- Uh-oh.

What? What?

Betty Stoller.

- Hi, Mud.

- [All] Hi, Mud.

- We're definitely going to need a bus.

- Yeah.

Wooo!

Yeah!

All right!

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