Carry on at Your Convenience Page #3

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Can't you give that poor bleedin' bird a rest?

It's the only way you can get him to talk,

chatting to them.

Chatting, yes. Not nagging him to death.

We've had him nearly a year now.

He really ought to say something.

He would if he could get a word in edgeways.

You've had me for 25 years

and I still have trouble.

If only he'd give a little chirp now and then,

that'd be something.

He really ought to make some sort of noise.

- How about some dinner?

- Oh, no. He's got plenty to eat.

For me. Not for him.

Haven't you had anything, then?

No. Didn't Myrtle tell you

there's another strike on?

She rushed upstairs to wash her hair.

I wondered why she was home lunch time.

- Now you know, don't you?

- Did you hear that, Joey?

All those naughty men are on strike again.

Yes. Naughty men. Naughty men.

- How about something to eat?

- I've had something.

For me! For Pete's sake!

Oh!

Well, I could make you some beans on toast,

I think.

No. Nothing elaborate, thank you.

Mummy's just going to get Daddy some din -dins.

And you'll be all right till I get back?

Will you, then?

Of course he'll be all bloody right.

What do you think he's going to do?

Chuck himself into his drink?

He doesn't like being left alone. It upsets him.

And when he gets upset, he dirties his cage.

She spoils you to budgery.

You know that?

What do you think your daddy's got

for you today, then?

A honey ring!

Yes!

What have you got to say to that, then? Eh?

Ta, Daddy.

Come on, mate. You can talk to me.

Ta.

Ta!

My washing's all over the floor in there.

Here, what are you doing to him?

- Nothing.

- Oh, yes, you are.

What's nasty Daddy been doing to him, then?

Nasty Daddy just bought him a honey ring,

that's all.

Are you going to report me to the RSPCA?

Oh. Did the nasty man buy him

a horrid old honey ring?

Dear, oh dear, oh dear.

How do you expect him to talk

if you keep stuffing him up with food?

One lousy honey ring

won't stop him from talking.

If I thought that, I'd have bought you

a crate of 'em years ago.

Oh. Never mind.

Mummy will take the nasty thing away. There.

That cost me a pint of beer.

- Now look what's happened!

- What? What?

Well, he's done something.

Here. Hold this.

Never mind, Joey.

Mummy will make it nice and clean again.

Yes, she will. Little Joey.

He's after you, you know.

Eh? Who?

Sid Plummer.

What?

Oh, Fred, you must be joking.

What do you mean he's after me?

I can tell. You can't be a commercial traveller

without knowing when a bloke's on the make.

I should know.

I mean, I've seen the others at it.

Just because he gives me a lift home?

It's the way he looks at you.

Not that I can blame him.

You ask for it, flashing your legs and... things

- all over the place.

- What?

Well, I mean, look at 'em. Like two

bald-headed convicts trying to burst out of jail.

Fred, you're jealous.

Me? I wouldn't be seen dead

with a couple of things like that.

I mean, of Sid.

Don't you realise he's at a dangerous age?

At that age, a bloke will try almost anything.

Oh, well, thank you very much.

I didn't mean that.

I get very worried about you,

me being away so much.

Fred, do you really think

I'd want to play around with anyone else

when I've got a smashing bloke like you

to play around with?

I... I know women.

When there's no prime beef handy,

they'll make do with any scrag end.

Well, then, you want to make sure that there is

plenty of prime beef when I need it. Don't you?

Steady on. I've just pressed these trousers.

- Take them off, why don't you?

- What, in the middle of the day?

I've got the rest of the day off.

Don't you realise,

there's a time and a place for everything.

Well, if you've got the time, I've got the place.

What, before tea?

Thanks, Bernie. Want to go to the game?

Eh?

- Do you...

- Hello, Mrs Spanner. Are you all right, then?

Stop that bloody row! Shut up!

- What did she say?

- Turn that thing off.

- Eh?

- Turn it off.

Just a minute, I'll turn this off.

Now, what did you say?

Turn...

Turn it off.

- It is off.

- I know it is.

- Do you want a stand ticket for the game?

- Yes, please.

- All right. Pick me up at half past two.

- And, Vic...

I just want to say

that I think you handled the men marvellous.

Oh, yes. Well, er... it's just a natural gift that,

you know, Bernie?

Some men are born

with the qualities of leadership.

I don't agree with what the blokes are saying.

What's that, then?

That you're a miserable little leader.

Size has got nothing to do with it.

I think you'd better get going.

And don't you worry, Vic.

They'll laugh the other side of their faces...

when you're prime minister.

Good for nothing, little sod. Just like

his bloody old father, may he rest in pieces.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't my dear, sweet, old mum.

Don't come slobbering over me. I'm busy.

I'll tell you another thing.

Tell that half-witted giant

if he brings that motorbike round here again,

- I'm going to kick him where it hurts.

- Mum, please.

This is a respectable

and refined neighbourhood.

And don't you bloody well forget it!

How can I,

when you keep reminding me of it so nicely?

Oh, shut up and sit down,

or you'll be late for your work.

Oh, er... We er...

Erm... we don't have to go back this afternoon,

Mum.

Eh? You've started another bloody strike,

haven't you?

Haven't you? You have, haven't you?

The men had a grievance,

and as their appointed representative,

- I could not let them be ground underfoot.

- Crap!

Mum, please. I am working there

for the good of the workers.

You never did a day's work in your life.

You're like your bloody father.

My father was a victim

of the capitalist-ridden society.

Your father was a victim

of the gin -ridden society,

and if I hadn't taken in lodgers,

where would we be now?

I pay my way.

Oh, yes. I forgot about that.

Yes. I've been wondering

what I'd do with your L#4 this week.

Take myself to the Bahamas, perhaps.

If me and my money aren't welcome here...

Oh, sit down on your backside and shut up.

If you spent more time sitting on it and less time

talking through it, we might get somewhere.

Now, we've got to feed the poor, bloody,

hard-working strikers, haven't we?

There you are.

- Cold sausages.

- What?

You're spoiling me, aren't you?

Giving it to me 15 times in one week.

Cooee!

I'm in the dining room, Mr Coote.

Oh, hello.

There you are. Lunch is all ready.

Unless you want to wash your hands first.

I think I can wait until after.

Thank you, Mrs Spanner.

- Good. You sit here, Mr Coote.

- Oh, yes.

I've put a clean napkin in your ring for you.

Ooh! You're much too good to me,

Mrs Spanner.

Not at all. I'm only too glad

to have a real gentleman

in the house, for a change.

Ever since my poor dear husband passed on,

I've missed it, you know?

I'm sure you have.

How's Victor?

All right.

- I've got your favourite today.

- You haven't!

I have. Nice hot steak and kidney pie.

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