Carry on Cleo

(Narrator) 'This is Cleopatra,

the fabulous queen of the Nile,

'whose only resemblance to an iceberg

'is that no more

than one tenth of her is visible.

'while nine tenths, the better part of her,

is beneath the surface.

'Fate has decreed that the mighty leader

of the Roman Empire and Cleopatra

'should be flung together

into the melting pot of history.

Aargh!

'And this is the ancient British settlement

of Cockium inconnoviae.

'where lived the inventor of the device

'that has brought to generations

of beautifuI girls

'the healthy exercise

known as "having to walk home".

'As he worked at his wheels,

this simple Briton, Hengist Pod,

'would listen to his wife telling him

what he should do with them.'

Wheels, wheels, wheels,

that's all you ever think about.

Doesn't matter about me, oh, no,

never mind about taking me out

for a bit of fun.

it's all very well your sitting there

making perishing wheels,

but what sort of life is it for me?

Nothing but the same drear old round,

day in, day out.

Stuck in this miserable hovel,

while you go your own sweet way.

- Scraping and screwing?

- Scraping and screwing.

Trying to keep a roof over my head

with precious little help from you.

- Fingers to the bone?

- Working my fingers to the bone.

- Scrubbing and clearing up after you.

- Hot ash-pit?

Slaving away over a hot ash-pit

morning, noon and night.

Cooking meals that nobody appreciates,

and for what?

- insults and ingratitude?

- insults and ingratitude.

I've given you the best years of my life,

Hengist Pod, and do you care?

- Not a jot.

- Not a jot, you don't.

For all you care,

I may as well not be here.

Well, my mother warned me.

"You'll never get anywhere with him,"

she said. "He's a dreamer."

Poor Mother.

I'm glad she's not here to see this.

I'm glad she's not here as well,

the silly old...

- What did you say?

- is the tea ready?

- Good day to you.

- Oh! Hello.

I'm your new neighbour.

I've just moved into the next cave.

We were gonna take that,

but we didn't like

the idea of constant running water.

- isn't that an advantage?

- Not when it's running through the roof!

Excuse me, but I was just admiring

that thing you're making.

It's ver good. What is it?

Oh, it's a wheel. It's for going on a cart.

Where I come from,

they have things to go on carts,

but they're sort of round, like that.

Yes, yes, yes. I know all about those.

But the trouble with them is, you see,

that if you stop on a hill,

they roll backwards.

- This one won't, you see.

- Ah, but... but will it roll forwards?

Obviously, if it can't roll backwards,

there's only one way left for it to go.

And another thing.

If you think you're going to get away with...

Oh! I beg your pardon.

I didn't know we had company.

This is our next-door neighbour, dear,

Mr um...

Horsa. Son of Ethelred.

Not Ethelred the Unready?

No, my dad was always ready.

So my mum said!

How do you do, Mr Horsa?

Please excuse the way I look.

I haven't had a chance to put on

a lick of woad this morning.

Not at all. You look lovely.

My name's Pod, Hengist Pod.

This is my wife Senna.

Senna! Oh! That's a pretty...

- Pretty what?

- Er, pretty name.

It was, till I married somebody called Pod.

I shall excuse my wife.

She's not quite herself.

Her poor old mother

was eaten by a brontosaurus.

- That was too bad.

- Yes, you're right.

Brontosaurus died within the hour.

- How much do you want for your wheel?

- I don't know. I've never sold one before.

- People don't like new ideas.

- I'll have it.

Just the one?

What good would that be?

- I'll show you.

- Yeah.

Hey, what are you doing? Look!

They support the rim.

It'll be no good without them.

Watch.

There we are. Makes a perfect frame.

So it does, yes. But what's

that square opening in the middle for?

It's just an idea I had for letting in

more light. I thought I'd call it...a win-dow.

Win-dow.

Oh! We can call that a win-dow-rim.

Yeah. What about window frame?

Oh, well, if you like. It's all the same.

(Narrator)

'And so the good people of Cockium

'went about their ver simple business,

'blissfully unaware

that only a few miles north of them,

'the ground was shaking

to the inexorable tread

'of Julius Caesar's conquering soldiers.'

(Roman) Sinister! Dexter! Sinister!

Dexter!

'Their leader was Mark Antony,

Julius Caesar's greatest friend.'

What a country!

'A figure to strike awe into the hearts

of men and women,

'for two different reasons.'

(Thunder)

'Meanwhile, still blissfully unaware

of the approach of the Roman legions,

'the simple people of Cockium

continued with their ver simple lives.'

There's no prettier sight

than a young couple courting.

lt makes you want to get your club out

and have a bash yourself.

Was it like that with you and Senna?

Sort of, except that she had the club!

I had my eye on a mate in Bristol.

Gloria, her name was.

Beautiful. Lovely long, strong hair.

I could have dragged that girI anywhere.

Well, why didn't you?

The damned Romans invaded her

settlement. She was never seen again.

lf those rotten Romans come here, I'll...

- The Romans are coming!

- I'll be off.

No. Running will do you no good.

Where are they?

They're just coming over the hill,

thousands of 'em.

Arm yourselves, men. Get your women

and children away to the hills.

Go on, move!

Do you mean to say

we're gonna fight them?

lf we can just hold them up

till we get word to Boadicea and her army,

there's a chance.

- Can you run?

- Just what I wanted to do.

She's camped at Carlisle.

Go like the devil.

I'll take Senna.

- Never mind about your wife.

- It's my two-wheeler. I named it after her.

- All right, but be quick.

- You can depend on me.

Legion! Legion! Terminus!

What's that settlement down there?

We call it Cockium inconnoviae, General.

What a mouthful. They deserve

to be done with a name like that.

We could do with a few captives.

They fetch 20 sesterces

a time back home.

It'd be silly going back empty-handed.

Right. Order the attack.

Legion, incursamus!

(Horse whinnies)

Ow!

It's hard work

catching these damn Britons.

- All right. On your way.

- All right.

Don't give up hope, men.

Remember,

Hengist is on his way to our army.

Oh, gawd. Oh, gawd.

Oh, no!

Oh, gawd! Oh, gawd!

Come on!

(Man) Come on! Come on!

Pull him along there.

Whoa, boy. Whoa, boy. Whoa.

Excuse me. Any chance of a lift?

- Yes, mate. Hop in.

- Thank you. How far are you going?

- Just to Rome.

- Oh, I see.

Would you mind dropping me at Carlisle?

Our army's there and I've got to get help.

You see...

the Romans are attacking our settlement.

- You don't say?

- Yeah.

- ln that case, come on.

- Oh! Thank you.

Oh! Well...

What are the chains for?

Just to stop you

falling out of the cart, mate.

Thank you ver much.

That's ver thoughtful of you.

The pleasure is mine.

(Laughs)

Oh! You seem to be rather full up.

- I suppose I'd better wait for the next one.

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