Carry on Cleo Page #2

- Oh, no, you don't.

Get in there!

Oh! Hello!

Oh, you silly Pod!

(Narrator)

'Enthroned in his lush headquarters,

'mighty Caesar sniffed the sweet smell

of success and eucalyptus.'

Achoo!

Oh, I do feeI queer.

'He was closely guarded as always

by the champion gladiator of Rome

'and captain of the Praetorian guard,

the noble Bilious.'

(Belches) I beg your pardon, sir.

Oh, it's not your fault, Bilious.

It's this wretched countr.

I haven't been right since we landed.

It's the water, you know.

It's making ver irregular soldiers

of us all.

Oh, I've never known

such a cold, damp, depressing place.

Achoo!

Even my laurels have wilted.

When I left Rome,

they were positively rigid.

Here, my lord.

I've prepared this for your illness.

Oh, yes, dear? What is it?

It's an old British medicant,

my lord,

made of mustard seed,

brewed up with bats' ears,

seaweed

and the intestines of pregnant lizards.

Yes. Charming.

To be taken externally, I trust?

Yes, my lord.

You just add a little to your foot bath.

Like this.

Oh!

Oh, it's good. Yes. Ver good.

Pretty little thing.

- Where did we capture her?

- At the settlement they call Bristol, sir.

Oh, yes! I might've guessed.

And what is your name, dear?

They call me Gloria, my lord.

Remind me to take her back to Rome

with me.

I'd like to give my wife something useful

for a change.

Useful, sir? To her?

Fair's fair. The last thing she gave me

was some perfume.

lt sounds like one of our legions

is returning, sir.

Legion, dismiss!

The army from the south

with Mark Antony at their head.

Oh, good! My friend.

(Thunder)

- Hail, Mark Antony!

- Hail.

Snow. Sleet. Thunder. Lightning.

The lot. Julius in?

Aargh!

I see he is.

It's all right for some people.

I'm busy waging a war,

he's busy trying to make a piece!

Mark Antony, sir.

- Julie!

- Tony!

- I've caught you with your toga up!

- I was just soaking my feet.

I can't seem to get them warm.

You've been wearing

open-toed sandals again.

No, it's not that, it's this filthy disease

I've caught. Some locaI thing.

It's called "a stinking cold".

Never mind. Carryy on. Don't mind me.

Get them in again.

- Thank you.

- All right?

Much better.

And how goes the conquest of Britain?

I just don't get these Britons at all.

Ever time we get

a decent punch-up started,

some geezer behind their line shouts,

"Tea up!" and they all disappear.

"Tea up"? How ver odd.

lt must be one of these strange gods

they worship.

like this other one

they're always talking about, "Crumpet".

- What's that again?

- Crump-et. I don't understand it at all.

No. I don't think

they want to be conquered.

I know what you mean. Apathetic.

That's the word.

We didn't have any trouble

in Spain and Gaul. We slayed 'em there.

I don't know why we bother with this lot.

Look at these lovely straight roads I built.

They don't even bother to use them.

Same with the baths.

This countr is a dead loss.

It's always so cold and damp.

You wouldn't think it, but this is supposed

to be "the season of the golden breezes"!

More like the season

of the brazen monkeys.

Excuse me, sir,

but a messenger is without.

I'm not surprised.

lf we stay here much longer,

we'll all be without. Send him in.

Enter.

Hail, Caesar, hail!

Oh, hail! My corn!

- Hail!

- All right. We don't want all that.

What is it?

Mighty Caesar,

I have come hotfoot from Rome.

I bring an important message

from your esteemed father-in-law Seneca.

Oh! I wish he'd use a lighter notepaper!

I'm terribly sorryy, my lord. I didn't mean...

Get out, you great steaming nit.

Go on, hop it.

- Go on, Julie. Sit down.

- Oh, thank you.

Fool!

- What does the old fooI say?

- Hang on.

It starts off, "Beware the ides of March."

What does that mean?

Don't ask me.

He's always making some silly prediction.

Last time it was,

"Beware the nuts in May."

He's a nut if ever I saw one.

Hello. This doesn't sound so good.

"There is news from Egypt

that Ptolemy is trying to usurp Cleopatra."

- Trying to do what with her?

- Usurp her.

Sounds positively revolting.

Who is this Cleopatra?

That bird that rules Egypt.

She could cause us a lot of trouble.

- Don't they all?

- Hey, listen. Listen to this.

"The senate demands immediate action.

"And there is a movement afoot to make

Brutus emperor in your absence."

That plotter Brutus! He's always had

his eye on the emperor's throne!

You won't let them

take it away from me, Tony.

Julie, Julie, Julie. I'm your friend.

You are my friend.

I think we ought to get back to Rome

right away.

Good idea. And if anyone but me

is going to be emperor, I'd like it to be you.

I'll drink to that.

(Narrator) 'Two months later,

after an absence of three years,

'Caesar

made a triumphant return to Rome.

'Well, not completely triumphant,

perhaps.

'Let's just say he had a small majority.'

(All) Hail, Caesar! Hail!

Hail, Caesar, hail.

(Crowd) Boo! Boo!

I don't like the look of this mob.

Give them a bit of the old flannel.

- Yes, I've got my flanneI ones on.

- No, no. Make a speech. Win 'em over.

- Well, if you think so.

- Yes. Go on.

Friends, Romans...

- Countrmen.

- I know!

Well, get on with it, then.

I have been away from you now

for three years.

And it don't seem a day too long!

During that time, friends,

I have taken Spain, I have taken Gaul,

I have taken Germanica.

What would you have me take next?

A running jump!

I want to thank you

for this wonderfuI welcome.

Ever time I return from an expedition,

I am struck...

(Crowd) Boo!

... again and again...

Have you forgotten

what I've done for you?

I've given you an empire,

I've given you prosperity...

What about all my reforms?

I've cleaned up this city.

Have you forgotten my slogan,

"NihiI expectore in omnibus"?

"No spitting on the public transport."

(Jeering)

- That does it. Get inside.

- It's a disgrace!

I'll do him one of these days.

Charming.

What a welcome for a great emperor.

How sickening.

On the steps of my own palace, too.

Oh, Plato...

great and learned scholar,

that you should see me thus,

covered in... stains.

Where is everbody?

Where's Seneca? Where's Calpurnia?

They are usually here to greet me.

(Lewd laughter)

(Man) Now, don't be silly, dear.

Just take it in your hand.

lt won't bite.

(Laughs) That's it.

Now dip it in the ink.

- Seneca, what are you doing?

- Eh? Oh, hello.

I was just teaching her to write. Why?

You might have welcomed me home.

Oh! Have you been out, then?

Out? I've only been

in Spain, Germany, Britain.

Oh, yes, of course you have.

I forgot.

- Where is Calpurnia?

- At her toilet.

Ah. Where?

ln her bath.

That's all right, then.

Yoo-hoo, Calpurnia, sweetheart!

It's me, dear. I'm back.

And about time, too.

And where, may I ask,

have you been for the past three years?

Oh, don't be like that, dear.

You know perfectly well where I've been.

- Where?

- I've been conquering.

Hah! Conquering, you call it?

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