Carry on Cleo Page #3

Gallivanting around Europe

enjoying yourself more like!

No. lt was a purely business trip.

HannibaI used to take his wife with him

on his business trips.

Well, it was different for him.

He had all those elephants to help him.

Anyway, it would have been

no fun for you, all that eternaI fighting.

Since when have you done any fighting?

No, I meant if you'd come along too, dear.

I know you, Julius Caesar.

You'd do anything

rather than stay at home with me.

Well, you won't be here much longer

for me to worr about.

What do you mean by that?

Seneca says

there's a bird of ill omen about.

I've just seen him with her in the librar.

Ah!

Your days are numbered.

Beware the ides of March!

Oh, shut up, you silly old f*ggot.

Don't you dare

speak to my daddy like that.

Well, he gets on your nerves.

I'm sorry, dear,

but I'm fed up with listening

to all his visions and omens and stuff.

Seneca is well known throughout Rome

as a truly great sage.

Yes. And I know my onions.

I wish you'd been in Britain,

they know what to do

with sage and onions!

Oh, my dear,

you've no idea how much I've missed you.

Three years is a long time to go without.

- Without what?

- Without the company of a beautifuI wife.

What about all those women abroad?

There weren't any.

They don't have them abroad, you know.

They're a ver bashfuI people there.

Really, Julius?

Really, darling.

(Door opens)

Sir, what do you want done

with your woman here?

What is that?

It's just a little thing

I picked up in Britain.

- It's for you.

- I don't want any of your pick-ups.

I'll have her.

No, you won't, you dirty old sage.

Daddy, take me away from this...

this monster!

Monster?

How dare he insult me

by offering me this... this...

I quite agree, daughter!

She's no use to you.

But don't you worr.

I'll think of something to do with her.

But I've other gifts for you, dear.

I've onions from Spain.

I've got some Spanish onions.

Cheeses from Holland.

I've got some Dutch cheeses.

And stones from far-off Gaul.

She's got gallstones an' all!

I had no idea.

This is a fine homecoming, I must say.

Oh! They haven't even warmed the seat.

(Narrator) 'By now, the captives

from Britain had arrived in Rome.

'Herded together in their little room,

they were learning to their dismay,

'that this was one emergency

'in which nothing happened

if you pulled your chain.'

All right. lf you don't want the goods,

stop messing them about.

I'll tell you the truth. There's little demand

for this British stuff nowadays.

- They don't make them like they used to.

- Look here, Marcus.

No, I'm Spencius.

It's my brother what's Marcus.

We're in partnership now, you know.

Marcus and Spencius.

- Here's my card.

- All right. Now, you know me.

Did I ever bring you any rubbish?

I only bring you the best, you know that.

- Look at them, all solid bone and muscle.

- Bone and muscle I've got plenty of.

It's brains what people want.

They've got brains.

Artisans, ever one of them.

- What did you do in Britain?

- I was a wheeI maker.

See that, he makes wheels.

- Square ones.

- Squ...?

Never mind him.

Here, you. What did you do?

- I was a hunter.

- Hunter?

Hunter. Now, what about that, then?

A hunter.

What did you hunt?

Romans.

A fat lot of help you are.

Look, General.

I'll tell you what I'll do with you.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll give you 1 50 sesterces for the lot.

1 50 sesterces? Do me a favour.

Do us a favour.

You keep out of this.

All right, 200 and they're yours.

160. Not a sesterce more.

160! What a liberty.

That's daylight robber.

How can you stand there and...

All right. 160.

Providing you throw her in.

Her? You don't want no more slaves,

General. You've got plenty.

For working, yes.

Yeah, but I mean, she's worth

40 sesterces to me, you know.

She's a ver good worker.

She can cook... make clothes...

wash... scrub...

That's fine. I could use a good scrubber.

All right. It's a deal.

You're a good lad. Put my mark on her.

Send her round to my villa.

Free deliver he wants.

(Narrator) 'While all this was going on,

'Brutus was in the Senate indulging in

the grand old Roman game of mixing it.'

And I warn you, members of the Senate,

if we allow Caesar to go on like this,

the Roman Empire's finished.

(All) Hear hear!

Already, gentlemen, we are in a decline.

And I don't have to remind you

what that leads to.

A fall.

I'm so sorry.

Did I interrupt something?

Hail, Caesar.

Oh, likewise, I'm sure.

I must warn you, Julius,

there is unrest in the Senate.

There have been rumblings.

- It's all that spaghetti they eat.

- Rumblings against you.

They're concerned about affairs

in the east, Ptolemy and Cleopatra.

Are they having an affair? Do tell.

They're fighting for the throne of Egypt.

lf one of them can muster an army,

it'll be hard for Rome.

They don't want to worr about that!

Exactly. I've done my best

to reassure them.

But perhaps a word from you?

Of course. I'll give them a speech.

Friends...

Romans...

- Countrmen.

- I know.

I have been away from you now

for three years!

(All) Hooray!

But now I am back!

(All) Boo!

- How am I doing?

- They're right behind you.

I thought so.

With regard to the situation in Egypt,

I will tell you this,

if Cleopatra and this other upstart...

- Ptolemy.

- I am telling you!

lf these upstarts should prove a threat

to the Roman Empire

I will not hesitate...

nor notwithstanding...

anything to the contrar.

I shall take steps...

now to give serious consideration...

to the action, to be taken in the event

of events happening, notwithstanding...

anything to the contrar.

Please, show your approval

in the usuaI manner.

(Blows raspberry)

You've never had it so good!

Stay there!

Supermarket, innit?

Look at that!

"MA." What does that mean?

Mark Antony. She's his.

lt could've been worse.

How?

Might've been Frank Antony.

(Jeering)

Thank you. Thank you, sir.

Citizens, today is your lucky day.

lt just so happens that I have been able

to procure at enormous expense

a limited number of ver top quality

Britons, all fresh in today! No rubbish.

All right, you. Come on.

- Where to?

- You're going for auction.

Think of that. Me being knocked down.

It's better than being knocked up!

- Come on.

- Bring him in, Marcus.

Coming, Spencius. Go on.

How about that then, ladies?

lsn't that a magnificent specimen?

Phwoar! lf that is not a ver handy

little thing to have about the house,

my name's not Spencius.

Right, now. What am I bid?

Ten.

1 5.

41 ? Yes?

I'll pay you back.

- All done at 40?

- No...

Right. Sold to the lady

in the green schmutter.

What's your name, darling?

Willa Claudia.

Willa Claudia. Mark him up, will you?

Willa Clau...?

WC? Oh, no!

Please! WC!

What happened?

Ver funny. Ver funny.

Do you know what? I think

they're making a convenience of you.

Shouldn't worr about him.

He's doing all right.

He's been bought by a woman.

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