Carry on Cleo Page #4

What's the benefit

in being bought by a woman?

What do you think?

Oh! Yeah, right.

Lead me to 'em!

All right there, citizens,

here is another of our speciaI offers.

Now then. What am I bid for this...

for this er...

For this?

One at a time, please, ladies.

Right. Now, come on.

Who's going

to start the ball rolling, then?

Did I hear five sesterces?

No, I didn't.

Don't worr.

They're just overawed at the moment.

Get out of it.

Who'll say three sesterces?

- Two?

- One?

Now, look here, citizens.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

With this speciaI offer here,

I will throw in

this beautifuI plaster cast

of the goddess Aphrodite,

absolutely free, gratis and for nothing.

(Tittering)

Right. No sale. Mark him up for the usual.

How did you get on?

I don't know. They just stamped me

with a little lion. Look.

That means

you'll be going to the lions, mate.

- I hope they're a nice family?

- You'll find out.

Er, Hengist.

What he means is, you're to be thrown

to the lions in the arena.

- Those lions! No!

- Hengist!

Well, it's quick, anyway.

The old head in the mouth,

quick snap of the old jaws

and it's all over.

That's all ver well, but how

am I gonna get his head in my mouth?

What about me? Do you fancy

being lumbered for the rest of your life

as the pampered pet

of an old Roman bag?

Quite frankly, yes.

Well, I can't face it.

Let's make a break for it.

- What, escape?

- Anything's better than this.

Get behind the doorway and when

the guard comes in, trip him up.

All Romans are idiots!

They know absolutely...

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

- Thank you ver much.

- Not at all.

Come on!

(Spencius) Now, I'm not here today

and gone tomorrow.

I won't be here this afternoon.

What a day!

Pelted by the populace, sat on

by the Senate, spat at by my spouse.

Honestly,

I don't know why I bother being emperor.

- Why do you?

- Don't be silly. What else could I do?

At school,

I didn't even get my X-oneplus.

You could be a public orator.

Public oratory?

Oh, no, it's an unspeakable business.

I hear some slaves

escaped from the market today.

That's all I needed.

What have I done to deserve all this?

Have I displeased the gods

in some manner?

O, dark, invidious muse

that blights my life!

Come, show your fearful, haggish face!

- Yes?

- Not you. What do you want?

Well, I thought you'd like to know.

There's another strike on.

Not another one? Who is it this time?

- The eunuchs.

- The eunuchs?

For heaven's sake,

what are they striking for?

They're complaining about loss of assets.

- Hail, Bilious.

- Hail, Antony.

I want to see the boss.

Mark Antony, sir.

At last we'll hear something cheerful

for a change.

My friend!

- You're right in it this time.

- Oh, no. What's happened now?

News from Egypt. Ptolemy has mustered

an army and is marching on Alexandria.

What about Cleopatra? ls she mustered?

Well, I have heard a couple of stories.

No, I mean, has she mustered an army?

Oh. Yes, I believe she has.

We've got to do something

about that lot.

But what do we do?

Do we support Ptolemy

and defeat Cleopatra

or vice versa?

Well, if you're bringing vice into it,

I prefer Cleopatra.

lf only we knew

what was happening out there.

(Speaks gibberish)

What on earth is going on?

It's Daddy.

He's having one of his visions.

Good. Now perhaps he'll be able

to tell us something.

(Continues speaking gibberish)

Oh! Hello!

- Well? Did you see anything?

- Oh, yes. And it was lovely.

There was this room, you see,

and it was full with lovely girls

all lying about

in things you could see right through.

Daddy, dear.

You've been eating cheese again.

Daughter dear, no, I haven't.

And then Caesar came in,

and there was a lot of soldiers.

What happened to me?

I don't remember.

I was busy looking at the girls.

Blimey, this is a waste of time.

lf you want to find out

what is going to happen,

you have to consult the vestaI virgins.

- Of course! The temple of Vesta!

- I say! Can I come too?

- Certainly not!

- I thought it would make a nice change.

That's one place

we don't want any changes, thank you.

You might have already got some,

with the eunuchs on strike.

Oh, don't say that. I want them

to augur something really nice for me.

You'd better hurr up. They'll soon

be shouting "Last augurs, please!"

Uh-oh! Dead end!

I can hear them coming. We're done for.

No, we're not. Come on. ln here.

- Cor!

- Shh!

Look at that!

Look! Look!

Hey, there's a door.

"Strictly no admittance.

VestaI virgins and eunuchs only."

- What are we?

- Well, you should know.

They must be somewhere around.

We'll have to chance it. lf anyone asks

who we are, say we're eunuchs.

Eh? Oh, yeah.

What have we got to lose?

Cor!

Hey! We're in the ladies'!

(Squealing)

No, you fool!

Don't you know it's immediate death

for anyone who goes in there?

Ho within! It's the city guard.

Open up, please.

Oh. That's all right.

I'm sorry to have bothered you.

It's all right. They've gone.

Thanks.

Yes. I don't know

what we'd have done without you.

I don't know

what we could have done without you.

? Wherever I wander

? There's no place like Rome

More wine!

More vino.

Come along, girl.

Ah, there she is.

Why don't you come on in?

The water's lovely.

No, thank you, my lord.

Go on, girl. I'll let you play with my duck.

Oh!

Hey, Seneca. Where's Caesar?

Oh, he's gone to convulse

the VestaI Virgins.

- Consult.

- You're quite right.

Never mind. I'll find him later.

Oh, no, you won't.

What does that mean?

That vision, and those girls.

That was the Vestals.

And what's more,

I can remember what happened.

- What happened?

- He was done.

What? He had Bilious

and the guards with him.

Nobody could have got near him.

Aha! That's just it.

lt was them who did it.

Blimus!

Horsa...

Mm-hm?

Don't you think it's about time

we should be getting along?

Oh, yes. Yes.

Well, there's no point

in taking unnecessar risks.

No. No, of course not.

Perhaps we'd better just stay here

a little while longer.

Yeah...

Just a couple of months or so.

? Fanfare

Aarrgh!

(Caesar) What's happening?

- Sir!

- Get me out of here.

It's a disgrace! There must be

a more comfortable way to travel.

I'm sorry, sir, it was a low arch.

There wasn't a warning sign.

Who holds the office

of traffic commissioner?

You do, sir.

Well, in future watch where you're going.

Are we there?

- Yes, sir.

- Good. Come in with me and stay close.

- I don't feeI safe tonight.

- You're not.

Guard the door. Let no-one enter.

Wise daughters of the goddess Vesta,

grant me an augur!

Who is it that craves our advice

at this hour?

lt is l, Caesar, grandson of Venus

and Anchises, your divine emperor.

Caesar! We shall all die for this.

Open up, I say! Or must I enter?

- Yes?

- Oh, good evening. I wanted to ask...

Are you really a VestaI Virgin?

(High-pitched) Oh, no. No, I'm a eunuch.

Oh, I see.

You're a what?

I'm sorry. VestaI Virgins are off tonight.

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