Carry on Cleo Page #5

Are my senses deserting me?

There's something funny going on here.

Bilious, l...

What are you doing with your thing?

I'm sorry, sir.

But for the good of Rome, you must die.

But you're my personaI bodyguard!

I don't want to die.

I may not be a ver good live emperor,

but I'd be a worse one dead!

Treacher! lnfamy! lnfamy!

They've all got it in-for-me!

Aargh!

Take this. Catch!

(Whimpers)

ln here. Quick!

Ah! More of you, eh?

Right. Come on.

What a carveup!

Well, he can't say I didn't warn him.

lf I've said it once,

I've said it a thousand times.

"Beware the ides of March," I said.

But it's not March. It's Januar.

Yes, but an idiot like him

wouldn't know that.

My poor dear husband! ls he dead?

It's difficult to tell.

He always looks the same to me.

- He looks a little wan.

- He looks a big one if you ask me!

Speak to me, Julius!

Speak to me!

I hear a night owI screeching.

lt is l, Julius.

Your wife Calpurnia.

Oh, yes. I grow weak, dear.

Draw near and lend me your ear.

Don't. You'll never get it back.

Yes, Julius, dear.

Did you wish to say something?

I cannot go without saying something

for posterity.

No, dear. Of course you cannot.

Then let our posteriors know this.

- Yes, Julius?

- My farewell speech.

Friends, Romans...

- (Whispers) Countrmen.

- I know!

My last immortaI words are...

Veni, vidi, vici.

I came, I saw, l...

I conked out.

Oh! He's gone.

Oh, woe is me!

Could I but tell him how sorry I am

for the way I've treated him,

how much I loved him!

(Wails)

Hello. What's going on?

The mighty and noble Caesar is no more.

Shut up. They haven't even touched him.

He's fainted, that's all.

You little squirt!

They wanted to kill me.

And it's the thought that counts.

- Come, Daddy.

- Gladly.

Oh, but, Calpurnia...

They'd have got you all right,

if that slave hadn't been there

to slay 'em all.

What slay you... what say you?

It's incredible.

But do you know that he beat

the five top gladiators of Rome

singlehanded?

Where is he? I must meet this superman.

Guards! Bring in the prisoner!

- ls that him?

- That's him.

(Caesar) Are they holding him

the right way up?

Bilious and the others were all slain

and that little runt was there

with a sword in his hand!

- He alone?

- No. Please, there's been a mistake, sir.

You're dead right, mate, and you made it.

Let's see how you go

against the lions in the arena!

Oh, no! Please, sir!

I plead for mercy! I plead for my life!

I plead for forgiveness.

You miserable little pleader!

Take him away!

No, no, wait. What is your name, slave?

Pod, sir. Hengist Pod.

Arise, Centurion Pod.

Eh?

Are you kidding?

That man's a menace!

Exactly. And with him beside me,

no-one will dare

make an attempt on my life again.

You are impregnable, aren't you?

No, sir. It's just that Senna

didn't want any kids.

Listen to me, Hengist Pod,

I hereby appoint you

commander of the Praetorian Guard,

protector imperatori,

champion gladiator of Rome,

honorar member of the Senate

and custodian of the imperiaI chambers.

What did all that mean?

That means that he has gone potty!

(Narrator)

'And that is how a simple Briton

'who had never

so much as hurt a prehistoric fly,

'became overnight the most feared

and admired man in Rome.

'Ever time he appeared in public

'the crowds clamoured

for his autograph and souvenirs.'

(Cheering)

'ln his task of protecting

the imperiaI body of Caesar,

'Hengist proved an effective deterrent.'

All those in favour...

(All) No!

I'm sorry, gentleman,

what was that vote again?

(All) Yes!

Thank you, gentlemen,

I thought that was what you said.

(Narrator) 'Yes, being

Caesar's bodyguard was a full-time job.

'Only when night came

could Hengist really relax.'

Good night! Good luck!

- What did you say, Julius?

- Good night.

Good night.

(Mouths)

(Narrator) 'At this time,

Mark Antony was arriving at Alexandria

'at the head of another Roman legion.

'He carried with him

express orders from Caesar

'to remove Cleopatra from the throne

of Egypt and give it to Ptolemy.

'Some hope. lt was like asking your wife

to give up her mink coat,

'because your girlfriend

is sitting in a draught.'

Can I help you, gentlemen?

Yeah. We want to see Cleopatra.

Who are you?

I am her chief councillor Archimedes.

- Get away. All right, take us to her.

- The Queen is at her toilet.

Oh. Well, we'll wait, then.

Then I will inform Her Majesty

of your arrival.

Thank you.

Right. Now, when we see her,

no messing about. She has got to go.

And if she won't go quietly...

Sir, I've no stomach for this sort of thing.

I've never made war on women.

Then it's high time you started, mate.

They're a dead menace.

Any time there's any kind of trouble,

you can bet your bottom sesterce

there's a woman behind it.

- I still don't like it.

- You're too soft. Just leave it to me.

I know how to handle

this ambitious battleaxe.

She's too big for her boots,

that's her trouble.

The Queen will see you now.

Follow me, gentlemen.

ln here, gentlemen, please.

All right, I'll come straight to the point.

Miss, l... You...

Yes?

ls there something I can do for you?

(Growls lustfully)

Go on. Tell her.

(Growls lustfully)

You know.

She's getting too big for her boots.

Boots? What boots?

- I don't see any boots.

- Caesar's orders.

She's got to go.

- Go?

- Yeah.

- Got to go.

- Oh, well. Goodbye.

Not me. Her.

Eh? Oh, yes.

Yes. Now look, I'm ver sorry, miss.

But I've had my orders. Madam, l...

Don't apologise, please. I could forgive

such a handsome visitor anything.

What handsome visitor?

Oh, me!

I thought you said

you knew how to handle women.

Well, I do. It's all right.

Now look here, miss, I have come

from Rome at Caesar's express bidding

to get...

Just one moment.

lf you're going to get cross with me,

I'll just get out of my bath

and slip into something a little

more comfortable, if you don't mind.

(Growls)

You were saying?

(Narrator) 'But Cleo knew

that as Queen of Egypt,

'she could offer favours that a Roman

generaI would find hard to refuse.

'And she knew too

'that such favours as the powerful

Ptolemy might have to offer,

'he could stick in his ear hole.'

Cleo!

Mark, you're back!

- And have I got good news for you.

- What?

Ptolemy's head, it's fallen. ln the dust.

- But how?

- I cut it off.

Thank you! It's just what I always wanted.

Now I'm the undisputed queen

of all Egypt.

Do you know, I feel

I ought to give you something in return.

Yes, but not in front

of all the handmaidens.

No, no, no.

There. Now, come and sit beside me.

Do we have to have him

hanging around all the time?

Sosages? He's my bodyguard.

He never leaves my side.

Yes, I know, but I don't like sausages,

especially overcooked.

There's nothing to fear, lover.

He's a mute. And he cannot talk either.

No, but he can watch, can't he?

Just to please you.

Sosages, you may leave us.

Now then, that's better!

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