Carry on Cleo Page #6

(Crack)

You sure that's dead?

- Do you know, lover, I've been thinking...

- Me, too.

I've been thinking about all the things

you and I could do together...

- That makes two of us!

- ... if only you were emperor!

Yeah, but I'm not.

So just do with me as I am.

No, no, no, but you could be.

Supposing Caesar were to die suddenly.

Couldn't you?

You've got Ptolemy's head.

What more do you want?

We have an old saying in Egypt.

"Two heads are better than one."

But you don't know what you're asking.

Caesar is my friend.

But it's such a little thing to ask for.

That's just it, it's not a little thing.

He's a big head.

You've disappointed me.

I thought that you were a reaI man.

I am.

Then prove it.

That's what I've been trying to do.

No, no, no. Remember I'm a queen

and I cannot consort

with anyone but an equal.

Supposing, just supposing, I did

what you wanted and I became emperor,

what would be my reward?

I'll show you.

(Cleopatra) Hurr back.

I shall be waiting... impatiently.

I'll be back. Don't you worr.

Give me strength!

Puer. Oh, puer, oh, puer!

(Narrator)

'Which, as any schoolboy knows,

'means, "Boy. Oh, boy, oh, boy!"

'So, as Mark Antony hurried back

from Cleo to his friend Caesar in Rome,

'it looked as if one man's meat was going

to be another man's dose of rat poison.

'While Caesar,

his popularity and safety guaranteed

'by the reputation of his

bodyguard Hengist, carries on as usual.'

Yes. Ver nice, dear.

Thank you ver much. Definitely me.

Where's my laurels?

Here they are, my lord.

Silly me. I've been resting on 'em!

Will that be all, my lord?

You might just run an iron over those

for me.

I wish you'd get rid of that woman!

Oh, don't be like that, dear.

You know ver well

I've only got eyes for you.

That's all I ever get nowadays, eyes.

Go along with you.

Have another bunch of grapes.

Excuse me, sir. Mark Antony is here.

Oh, my friend!

- Let him come in.

- Yes, sir.

All right. You can go in now.

- Thank you.

- Just a minute.

I'd like your sword first.

Have you gone raving mad?

I'm Caesar's friend.

That's what they all say.

Come on. Hand over your sword.

- Go and get...

- Watch it!

Remember what happened to Bilious

and the others.

There.

That's better. OK. You can go in now.

I don't get it.

I just don't get it.

How did you manage to dispatch

five of them, all by your idiot self?

lt was quite simple, really.

I'm ver sorry there wasn't more of them,

as a matter of fact.

- I don't like things to be too onesided.

- Get away. Show me how you did it.

Go on. Show me.

Like this. I started off

with a couple of quick parries,

like that you see, followed by the riposte.

I gave him the cut and thrust, followed

by the pas-dedeux, and the old onetwo.

What have I done?

Forget it.

Nobody will ever notice the difference.

I'm sorry, Venus, madam.

- Tony!

- Julie!

Oh, it is good to see you back.

How did everything go in Egypt?

What a fantastic countr!

You ought to see the pyramids.

And the Sphinx.

Yes, that's because they have no drains,

of course.

- But how did everything go?

- Oh, fine. Fine.

- Everything went according to plan?

- Well, not quite.

- What do you mean?

- You told me to get rid of Cleopatra

and put Ptolemy on the throne.

- Yes.

- I did it the other way round.

Anyone could make a mistake,

I suppose.

lt wasn't a mistake. I did it on purpose.

Cos quite frankly, I thought

she would make

a much better queen than he would.

She is the right sex, of course!

Not only that. She's all for us Romans.

How do you know?

She told me that her greatest ambition

is to have a liaison with you.

Hang on. Not in front of the wife.

Hello, dear. How are you?

Are you all right? Have another melon.

Tell me more about this Cleopatra.

What's she like?

You have got to see her.

Her hair is as black as ebony,

her face is like an ivor goddess,

and her neck is like a swan.

Oh, yes. Go on.

- Her feet like sculptured marble.

- Don't leave out all the best bits!

I cannot tell you any more about

this woman. She is absolute perfection.

They call her the "Siren of the Nile."

Oh! I hope she don't go off!

I mean, they do tend to

in these hot countries.

Don't worr. She's got a deep frieze

running round the walls of the palace.

Well, I would like to meet her.

But I don't see

how I can get away again so soon.

Say it's an officiaI visit.

To do what?

Tell her they want you

to open a tomb or something.

Yes. lt might work.

I don't know, though. Look at her.

Julie, Julie. I tell you, you have

never seen a beauty such as this.

And underneath, a raging passion,

like a tempestuous stream

waiting to burst its banks!

Oh, that's done it. Order my galley,

and find out what time the banks open.

Come on!

(Gulls cry)

Go on. Move.

What was all that?

Just watching the galley slaves

come aboard.

Right, now then.

Before Caesar gets here, let's make

quite sure we understand each other.

Caesar has got to die

before we reach Egypt.

- I don't like it, Mark.

- You don't like it?

I'm not asking you

to do ver much, am l?

I mean, it's not for my good, is it?

- It's for the good of Rome.

- Are you sure?

Course I'm sure. And on top of that,

when I'm emperor,

I'll see you four are all right.

Ah, ver well, but I wish

you hadn't asked me to slay him.

- Why not?

- I'm his cousin.

I can't do it, can l?

I'm his friend.

? Fanfare

Here comes his new champ,

Maximus Big Bonce.

- Hail.

- Hail.

Morning, General. Are you all ready

for Caesar to come aboard?

Oh, no. We're just standing here

to give the seagulls a bit of practice.

Oh, yes? Well, er...

Where's the Captain?

- Watch it!

- I'm Agrippa.

And I know one or two holds myself.

So you wanna watch it, mate.

He's the Captain. His name is Agrippa.

Why couldn't he say so?

Now, listen to me, all you men.

Listen to...

Listen to me, all you men, I'm responsible

for Caesar's safety on this ship.

So if any of you are thinking of starting

anything, you've got to answer to me.

Oh!

(Laughs)

I suppose you think that's funny.

Right.

I will now check Caesar's quarters.

Where are they?

- Over here.

- Thank you.

Argh!

(Clattering)

He'll have to go, too.

? Fanfare

Hail, Caesar.

Hail.

Now, Julius,

do remember what I told you.

Always wear your wooI vest, see the beds

are aired, and don't drink the water.

Yes, yes, yes. All right, dear.

Don't have anything to do

with eastern women.

I've heard funny stories about them.

It's a purely business tr...

Really? What sort of stories?

Well, there was this eastern...

Never mind that!

Why you're taking her, I can't imagine.

I've told you, dear.

I'm taking her to give to Cleopatra.

- I don't like turning up without something.

- Why couldn't you have taken me?

She wouldn't want you.

Now, run along, we've got to go.

Well, I'm glad Daddy is going.

He can keep an eye on things.

He's doing that already, the dirty old...

- Seneca. Say your farewell.

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