Carry on Cleo Page #7

- Oh, yes. Goodbye, dear.

Not to her. She's going with us.

Yes, I know, but this is more fun

than saying goodbye to my daughter.

Come on. We've got to get under way.

- Goodbye, Daddy.

- Goodbye, daughter.

Goodbye, Julius.

Goodbye. Good riddance.

(Narrator) 'And so, their proud ship

set saiI for Egypt.

'Little did they know

that down in the engine room,

'a desperate man was preparing

to bung a spanner in the machiner.'

(Overseer) ln!

Out!

ln!

Out!

Put your back into it, scum!

- Will you have some, my lord?

- I don't know, dear. What is it?

Delicious, my lord! It's peacocks' tongues

and alligators' brains in aspic.

No, thank you, dear.

I don't think I'll bother.

Oh. Will you have some, my lord?

Well, I wouldn't mind a little nibble,

I must say!

That'll be quite enough

of that sort of thing!

I only wanted to see what was for afters.

Did I ever tell you about the feast

Cleopatra threw for me on her barge?

Please don't mention throwing.

- You are not well, my lord?

- Just a little sic transit, Gloria!

ln!

Out!

ln!

Out!

All right. Take it easy.

Rest.

I can see the coast

about a quarter of a mile away.

- That must be Africa.

- Right.

What about a little swim, eh?

Look out, he's coming.

(Overseer) Right, you scum.

Get ready for some rowing.

(Chokes)

You've done him in.

I must've pulled the chain too hard.

Oh, well.

Right, lads. Here we go.

Go off as quietly as possible.

Slip over the side and swim for it.

There, Julie. Have a bit of fruit.

I might just manage a bit of melon.

Would you like some fruit, Hengist?

What's this?

They call that a banana.

Comes from Africa.

Funny sort of taste, innit?

- You're supposed to take the inside out.

- Oh. I see.

Oh, yes. Much better.

I meant to tell you.

I had a smashing vision last night.

- Not another one.

- Yes. Stop me if you've heard it before.

We were all sitting here having a meal.

You went out onto the deck, and there

were Agrippa and all the other officers

with their dirty great swords hanging out.

Most enjoyable!

Why, what happened?

They sliced your head in two.

Oh! Oh!

Defend yourself, Caesar!

It's true!

(Antony) What's true?

Agrippa and the others,

with their swords out.

Oh, good.

I've never had a vision come true before.

What's going to happen to me?

What?

I told you. Your head

will be sliced completely in two.

Oh, shut up!

(agrippa) Caesar! Hear me!

What I am doing is for Rome.

Since you are a soldier like me,

I will give you the chance to face us,

sword in hand,

and die with dignity!

Did you hear them? They want me

to go out and face them, sword in hand,

and die with dignity.

Help me!

You can borrow this if you like.

But I don't want to face them

and die with dignity!

Then stick it up your toga

and go out backwards.

Tony! You'll not let them slay me.

You'll take them on, won't you?

I'd like to, Julie,

but I can never fight on a full stomach.

Oh, woe is me.

ls there to be no succour?

Yeah. There's always Hengist.

Hengist! Of course. My champion.

Where is he?

Yes?

You will go out and face them.

There are only four of them.

You needn't worr.

You can dispatch them quite easily.

Me?

Yes. After all, that is your job.

You're chief dispatching clerk!

But they don't want me.

They asked for you.

- He's quite right, you know.

- Mind your own business.

Pardon me, but it is my business.

After all, it was my vision.

It's no good depending on that twit.

He's quivering with fright.

I've just thought of something.

Why don't we all keep quiet

and perhaps they'll go away.

No!

All right.

I'll just take a few... practice swings.

(Feebly) En garde!

Ha! Look at that!

They'll make mincemeat of him.

We who are about to die, salute you.

Oh, don't be so formal.

Come on.

One, two, three, four!

What happened?

Ah! You would, would you?

Right! Take that!

Behind me, eh?

You Roman rotter. Take that!

(Yells)

Right, that's three of 'em!

All right.

(Sniffs nonchalantly)

You can come out now.

Hey! He's done it!

Oh...

Sorr to have kept you waiting so long,

but I couldn't find my usuaI form today.

My champion!

Oh, isn't he marvellous?

I must do you some honour.

It's all in the course of duty, sir.

No. ln recognition

of your great services to me,

Centurion Pod, I hereby invest you

with the lmperiaI Order of the Bath.

Don't lose that. It's the plug.

Thank you, sir.

But all I really want is my freedom.

Well, we'll talk about that later

when we get to Alexandria perhaps.

lf we ever get to Alexandria.

lf we... What do you mean?

Well, haven't you noticed?

There's nobody rowing.

ln! Out!

- ln...

- Oh, isn't it sickening?

The emperor of the mighty

Roman Empire paddling his own canoe!

(Narrator)

'Having arrived safely at Alexandria,

'Mark Antony

hurried ahead to the palace

'for his early morning cup of tea.

'He was too late.

Cleopatra had hogged all the milk.

'What a woman she was,

'immortalised in Macaulay's famous poem

The Lay Of Ancient Rome.

'No wonder

Antony couldn't mark time!'

- Cleo!

- Mark!

Oh, blimey. I wish you'd get out

of that bath now and then.

Ah, you're cross.

Don't you love your little Cleo?

As much as any man can love a woman

who spends half her time

up to her neck in asses' milk.

I only bathe four times a day.

They must milk those asses

to a standstill.

Something's worring my little Markie.

- I'll say there is.

- But what's wrong?

I'll tell you. Caesar still lives.

- Still lives?

- Yeah. Still lives.

You mean he's not dead?

You catch on quick.

But I don't understand.

You said you were going

to get rid of him and be emperor yourself.

I know I did, but the plot went wrong.

You can't get a coconut ever time.

Oh. What a shame. I was so

looking forward to cementing our alliance.

There'll be plenty of time

to think about that sort of thing later.

Right now, we've got to think what to do

about Caesar. He'll be here any minute.

A fine way for an emperor to arrive,

I must say.

- Slogging through half a mile of sand.

- Yes?

Good morning.

My name is Julius Caesar.

I represent the Roman Empire.

No, thanks. Not today.

Well, really!

Who does he think he is? Cheek!

Think. Think.

There must be some way

we can get rid of him.

- I have a poisonous asp.

- Oh, I wouldn't say that.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I have. Look.

One bite from this is enough.

You're right.

One bite's enough for anyone.

That's shocking.

No, no, no, no. lt is supposed to bite you.

(Knocking)

Yes?

Julius Caesar and his party have arrived,

Your Majesty.

He assures you of his good will,

and sends this slave girI as a token.

Take them to my guest apartments,

Archimedes, and ask them to wait.

Oh, and send the girI to my bedchamber.

Well, what do we do now, then?

- Bedchamber. That's it.

- What's it?

Quiet. Here. Bangers, Sausages,

whatever your name is.

Go to Caesar,

tell him that your queen will meet him

in her private apartments first crow

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