Carry on Cleo Page #8

of the cock tonight, understand?

What is going on?

I can't do a thing

untiI I get him away from that bodyguard

and that's where you come in.

Where have I been to?

You haven't been anywhere. You're there.

Tr using your nut for a change.

All you've got to do is get Caesar alone.

Oh, that's what he's come for,

money.

Alone! On his tod! By himself!

Oh. You should have said.

Just get him into your bedchamber.

I'll be waiting there, and then we'll do it!

Do what?

Oh, blimey. There must be

an easier way to make a killing.

(Knocking)

That'll be Cleopatra.

- Shall I let her in?

- Just a minute.

Give me a chance to... look all sexy.

Come in.

- ls that her?

- Of course not.

What is it, my good man?

You have some message for me?

Well, speak up.

Have you lost your tongue?

Oh, well, never mind.

You could lose worse things than that.

I know a bit about sign language.

Let me tell him.

Now, look here, my good man,

that is Caesar. You know?

And he wants an alliance...

... with Cleopatra.

(Grunts)

Never mind all the maps.

When do we meet her? When?

(Grunts)

- He's going to lay an egg.

- No, no, no. He means at cockcrow.

What cock?

The morning one or the evening one?

Evening cock.

Thanks, cock. I'll be ready.

Oh, and by the way,

tell her I'll be bringing my bodyguard

with me.

There will be two of us.

You understand? Two.

What's happening?

Put me down. Hengist!

That's enough of that. Drop it. Drop!

That's better.

You want to watch it, mate.

I suppose it's his way of saying,

"get knotted"!

- Now, tell me again.

- Just listen this time.

Now, listen. You lure Caesar

into your bedchamber, right?

- Yes.

- I'm hidden there beforehand, right?

- Yes.

- Then I run him through. You got it now?

- No.

- Oh, strewth!

- Suppose he doesn't want to be lured?

- He will if you get him in the right mood.

I know. I'll give him a love philtre.

- A what?

- A love philtre.

Oh, is that what you do out here?

You filter it?

Oh, no, no, no. This stuff.

You put a bit of it in their wine,

and then they get all sort of...

well, you know.

Oh, yes. I come across some of this

in Spain once.

How long before your next bath?

Oh, not till this evening.

(Cackles)

Cheers.

I usually have the blow wave.

Yes, well, I'm no good at that, sir.

But I know where I am with an iron.

Be carefuI you don't singe me.

There's nothing more off-putting in affairs

of these sorts than the smell of burning.

(As woman)

"I can smell something burning!

"Darling, go down and see what it is."

- Spoils everything.

- Yes, sir.

What is it?

Beware... the ides of March!

Oh, dear, he's back.

Where have you been?

The time has come.

I've seen the writing on the wall.

Oh, so that's where you've been.

Look what I've found in the market place.

Good gracious. What is it?

He can see into the future.

Go on, then. You wait untiI you hear

what he's got to say.

Sooth! Sooth!

You see? He's a soothsayer.

Sooth. Sooth.

- Now tell them what you told me.

- There is death this night.

I have seen it in the fire.

- What fire?

- Gather round and have a butcher's.

I will see whether the goddess

will grant us a further vision.

O, lsis,

sweet lsis...

They're lovely!

I'm ver sorry, sir.

It's an old British saying.

Sweet lsis!

Grant us a vision,

we beseech you.

There!

Look. A picture is forming.

A vision.

(Seneca) Cor! Cor!

Now, that's what I call a vision!

- Who is she?

- (Soothsayer) Queen Cleopatra.

She is preparing herself

for a most important meeting.

(Caesar) That will be the one with me!

(Soothsayer) Now it is time for her

to get dressed.

(Caesar) She needn't bother.

(Soothsayer)

Oh, she's about to step out of her bath!

It's gone. What's happened?

lt always happens

in the most interesting parts.

Well, don't just stand there,

do something. Get it back again.

Sure. I'll have a go.

(Gibberish)

Oh, look there! Look.

Something's starting.

Something's forming.

Where?

lt is later.

I see Queen Cleopatra's apartment.

It's all bare!

That's more like it.

(Soothsayer) lt is prepared

for feasting and merrmaking.

And now, two men are entering.

Look!

(Caesar) It's me!

(Hengist) And me.

(Caesar) Just look at me.

The poor girI doesn't stand a chance.

(Soothsayer)

There is a fanfare of trumpets.

? Fanfare

And Queen Cleopatra is brought in.

Wait a minute. What's all this?

Where's Cleopatra?

Oh, in the carpet? All right.

Beat it.

Hengist, give me your sword, please.

Thank you.

Now, stand by that door

and see that we are not disturbed.

A magnificent entrance, my dear.

And worthy of a great queen.

Oh, it's just practice.

- So you are the great Caesar?

- Aha! You recognised me.

I have seen your bust.

I wish I could say the same.

- Dost thou like what thou seest?

- I certainly doth.

Tony was right. You are lovely.

I am enamoured.

I shall divorce Calpurnia and marr you.

I shall be a great emperor.

You will be a great queen.

Together we shall rule the world.

Any questions?

Just one.

Aren't we going to cement our alliance?

Of course.

I've brought along a clean trowel!

Oh, no, no, no. Not here.

Come to my room alone in one moment.

You're not going in there alone, sir?

Yes, it's perfectly all right.

Nothing is gonna happen.

- What are you going in for?

- Oh, peasant!

Come, Caesar. Sit beside me.

It's gone again. What's the matter

with the wretched thing?

The fire's dying.

Absolutely sickening.

We're missing all the best bits.

Wait. Look there!

Look, it's started again. I see something.

(Caesar) What's happened?

Where have we gone?

ls this a dagger that I see before me?

lt is... Argh!

(Groans)

(Narrator) 'Caesar hadn't had

such a pain in the stomach

'since the day the imperiaI cook

put a mustard plaster

'on his lobster thermidor.

'But all was not yet lost.

'Horsa and the other galley slaves

had escaped from the galley,

'and swum safely to shore, after beating

off repeated attacks of cramp and crabs,

'and made their way

over the desert towards the great city,

'guided by the smell of the drains.'

- I thought so. Nile water.

- Hey, look over there.

Cleopatra's palace.

Yes. And a galley waiting for us, eh?

We'll rest here till it gets dark, men,

then we'll swim across, find some food,

and it's back home to Britain. Ha ha ha!

Where am l?

He's coming to.

Hurr up with that water.

- I'm trying to find a clean pitcher.

- Forget it.

Tr and remember you're in Egypt.

They only have dirty pitchers here.

What's that?

"King Tutankhamen's ashes!"

Oh!

The ashes! Now I remember!

The pictures in the fire!

Aha! Tonight's the night, eh?

What's the matter?

Don't you want to meet her?

Tony, I am undone. My end is in sight.

You'd better do yourself up again quick.

What's the matter with him?

We've seen visions.

Oh, they were lovely.

Visions? What visions?

Me lying on the floor of the bedchamber

with a dagger in my vitals.

Yes, that one was quite good,

but I preferred the one of her in her bath.

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