Carry on Cleo Page #9

Don't pay too much attention to visions.

They get distorted and out of proportion.

You're quite right.

She was a bit much here and there.

I wish you wouldn't

keep talking about her in the bath.

This is serious.

I'm about to be treacherously slain.

Julie, Julie!

Why should she wanna slay you?

I just spent the afternoon with her,

and all she did was talk about the kick

she's gonna from of meeting you at last.

I daresay, but I think we should forget

the whole thing and go home, don't you?

What? And have all Rome know

that Caesar ran from a mere woman?

That would finish you.

You're right.

You promised them an alliance.

You're the only bloke who can get it.

Just relax and enjoy your work.

Will you go with me when I meet her,

Tony? You're my friend. You are!

Julie, of course I'm your friend.

But I can't come with you right now.

There's a young lady I met here last time.

Daughter of a sheik.

Arab, eh?

I believe they are intense lovers.

Well, naturally,

they do everything in tents!

(Laughs raucously)

Tents!

I don't like it. I don't like it at all.

No. You're quite right.

Tents are too draughty.

I wish you'd stick to the point.

lf only that vision

hadn't broken down halfway!

I want to know what happened between

me kissing her and me lying on the floor.

Wait a minute. Cleopatra doesn't know

what you look like, does she?

No. We've never met. Why?

Supposing someone pretended

to be you.

Someone

who's strong and handsome and vital.

What a good idea!

I've found something.

Here we are.

This is a ver strong liquor called arak,

makes you feeI a different person.

Good. Then you'd better drink it!

(Narrator) 'The stage was set.

The plot was murder.

'And with the dying sun,

came the sound of the evening cockcrow.

'He's late.'

(Cock crows)

'Thank you.

'Remember,

Mark Antony was Caesar's friend.

'So, out of the kindness of his heart,

'he was determined not to tickle him

with a jagged edge.'

Right. Here goes.

There's hospitality for you.

Tell the others to come on up.

- You!

- Horsa!

Gloria!

Oh, am I dreaming? ls it really you?

I never thought...

I never thought I'd see you again.

I searched for you all over Britain.

I can hardly believe that you...

Argh!

It's all right. They're friends of mine.

Help yourselves.

Come on.

There's no time to explain now.

We have a galley below here.

Climb down to it and wait for us.

All right, love? Off you go.

Seth, guard the door.

Right, lads, let's get as much of this stuff

as we can into the galley.

- Quick. Someone's coming.

- There's no time to get back. Follow me.

What the...?

ln here, gentlemen, please.

Her Majesty will be with you

in just one moment.

- Thank you.

- Oh, no. Not you. Out.

Oh, can't I stay and watch?

No, you can't, you dirty old sage.

Go on. Out.

Now, for heaven's sake, relax.

Stop playing with your thing.

I can't relax.

I'm not used to this sort of thing.

- What sort of thing?

- Oh, you know.

Making passionate love and all that.

What? But you've been married

for ten years.

That's what I mean. I'm not used to it.

Oh, for Jupiter's sake,

it's not as difficult as that.

You saw the visions.

You saw how I did it.

And I saw what happened to you, too.

You needn't worr. That won't happen

to you. You are impregnable.

Oh, please.

I've explained about that once.

Come on.

What are you doing?

Making sure she hasn't got a dagger

hidden in the bed.

Come on. Help me!

(Metallic pop)

There's something under the bed.

It's all right. lt won't be in that.

Come on.

There's no dagger there,

so stop worring.

Hey. That wasn't there before.

- What?

- That.

Oh, it must have been.

Don't be so nervy.

What you need is a good stiff drink.

No, thank you. I don't want one.

Yes, I do.

Blimey. She must be selling tickets.

? Fanfare

That'll be her.

No. That wasn't a cockcrow,

that was a fanfare.

It's a fan-tailed cock by now.

Pull yourself together.

Well, don't just stand there. Open it.

Go on. Open it.

Oh, go on. Unroll it.

Madam! Mate!

I'm terribly sorry.

There we are, my dear.

Oh, that's not part of you, is it?

No.

The mighty Caesar does not know

his own mighty strength.

So you are the great Caesar?

That's right.

No, no, I'm his body belt. Bodyguard.

- He is Caesar.

- Oh. You do not look like your bust.

No, he's not.

He's just a bit cracked.

Dost thou like what thou seest, Caesar?

Well, go on. Tell her.

- Hm?

- You know. The speech.

"Tony was right. You are lovely."

Tony was right. I'm lovely.

"I am an emperor.

You will be a great queen."

You are an emperor.

I'm a great queen.

Oh!

No, no, great queen.

What Caesar is trying to say,

and making a right imperiaI mess of it,

is that he's completely captivated

by your beauty

and wishes to form an alliance.

Oh, yes. Yes.

And all that stuff.

Well, I do not make alliances in public,

Caesar.

Well, that's that, then.

I'd better be going.

Wait a minute. Come back.

No, you don't understand.

He's a bit shy.

Oh, is that all?

I've got something that will overcome that.

What's that?

lt er... shall we say...

makes one feeI a little more... friendly.

Drink this,

and come to my room in one minute.

Alone!

Go on. Drink it, then.

Are you there?

Of course I'm here.

How much longer are you gonna be?

(Explosion)

(Explosion reverberates)

- Has it worked?

- Yeah.

Give me a kiss.

No, no, no. Not me.

It's her. It's her.

That would be a bit better.

Get out of my way.

Wait a minute. Don't overdo it.

You've got to...

Don't tell me what to do...

... pheasant.

Ah, you feeI better, Caesar?

Cor!

I say!

I must have a drink of that stuff myself!

Whew! You are better!

Excuse me. I feeI a bit faint.

That's better.

Now, come and sit beside me,

and we'll work out our alliance.

(Squealing)

(Both) You!

You've messed things up once too often!

Look out, Hengist!

Horsa! Where have you been?

There's no time for that now.

To the galley, lads!

Right. Let's get out of here.

Sosages! Help!

Sosages!

Wait! What about poor old Caesar?

- Leave him.

- I can't. I'm his bodyguard.

Did you see? That was Tony in there

waiting for me with a dagger!

- Never mind that.

- But he was my friend!

Come on.

Right, give me your sword.

No, no, no. Let Hengist. He's best at it.

What? You've got this all wrong.

lt wasn't me.

(Hengist whimpers)

(Hengist shrieks)

I did it!

I actually did it!

Well done. Come on.

Oh, wait for me! Wait for me!

Wait for me!

Argh!

Who's this?

Just call me... urn!

(Narrator) 'So it was that Caesar's life

had been saved for the third time.

'He was able to saiI home to Europe

from Africa

'without having been stabbed, poisoned,

choked or married.

'On the other hand, he now faced

the somewhat tricky task

'of selling the senate

on the idea of the wind of change.'

Well, gentlemen, here we are again.

How are you? Are you all right?

(Man) Death to Caesar!

(Angr shouting)

Oh! Hello, hello!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes