Carry on Jack Page #2

I would've been good, I promise you.

It's the press! The press-gang, lads!

Round the back.

Come on.

Somebody must've warned them.

Evening, friend.

Hello.

Are you a sailor?

Who, me? No!

I'm a cesspit cleaner.

I wondered why

there wasn't anybody else about.

Wouldn't you like to go to sea, friend?

Like to go to see what?

Never mind.

- Sign the gentleman on, Mr Angel.

- Aye aye, sir.

Can I open them now?

Where are my clothes?

We need just one more this trip.

Let's try upstairs.

Ssh!

Get down.

Lady Hamilton, I presume.

Oh, no, I'm not a lady.

I'm not even a woman.

I know what you're not, don't you worry.

I just came in here to meet a...

- Well, to have a bit of...

- Mm-hm?

Then this girl took me upstairs

and she kissed me

and she told me

to close my eyes like this...

Really?

...and not to open them until she said.

- You don't say?

- Mm.

- Then what happened?

- I really don't know, sir.

Close them again, friend,

and let me see if I can help you.

- Like this, sir?

- That's right.

I wonder what it could have been

that happened. Something like this?

Yes, that's exactly...

- Mr Angel!

- Sir!

Get those women ashore!

Come on. Hurry up.

You! Bring that cow aboard!

Let fly the clew garnets.

Out on the yards, you dockside scum,

or I'll take a rope's end to you!

Watch your course, damn your eyes!

You're all over the cursed sea!

Belay those ropes,

you fatherless knot-heads!

- Mr Angel!

- Come on, get a move on!

Mr... Angel!

Aye aye, Mr Howett! Move it!

- Where's the Captain?

- Still in his cabin, sir.

- Still in his cabin?

- No-one's seen him on deck.

I'll find him.

Mr Angel, break out

the new members of the crew.

Aye aye, sir.

Sir? Captain Fearless?

Captain Fearless, sir!

Who is it?

It's me - Lieutenant Howett, sir.

- The ship's under way, sir.

- I was aware of that, Mr Howett.

Been getting a bit of fresh air, sir?

What?

Oh, no, I was just... shooting the sun.

- Can I offer you a glass of milk?

- No, thank you, sir.

It's a bit early in the morning for me.

There's nothing like it

for building you up, you know.

Rather a brainwave of mine,

getting that cow aboard.

With any luck, the crew should be able

to have a tot every day.

Better for them than rum.

- That should keep them happy.

- I imagine they'll be speechless, sir.

A happy ship, Mr Howett.

That's the important thing. A happy ship.

Speaking of happy ships,

we got a couple

of new crew members last night.

Ah. Willing volunteers, I trust?

Oh, naturally, sir.

Keen and full of enthusiasm, eh?

They were carried away,

you might say, sir.

Splendid. I'll have a word with them later.

Where are they now?

I imagine they're still sleeping, sir.

We didn't like to disturb them too early

on their first morning.

Mr Angel has just gone down

to wake them now.

Avast there!

Get out of it, you mangy dogs!

Get moving!

What's going on?

How dare you treat us like this?

Shut up and get up on deck!

What deck? What are you talking about?

We've been press-ganged!

Volunteers, that's what you are.

Volunteers? You don't seem to realise

who you're talking to.

You've made a grave mistake.

Just wait till the Captain hears...

Arrgh! Get going!

Get going!

- Whose little doxy are you?

- What are you doing tonight, dearie?

- I demand to see the Captain!

- Who's asking to see the Captain?

There's been a terrible mistake.

And there'll be a few more if you

don't get that dress off pretty quick!

Pipe down and get on with your work,

you dogs!

That's the way to talk to them, mister.

You insolent upstarts.

- Well done, mister.

- Thank you.

If you don't mind, I'm running things here.

And you're running them pretty well,

if I may say so, sir.

I'll see that no blame attaches to you

when I report this misunderstanding.

I can't tell you

how relieved I am to hear that, mister.

Not at all, sir.

Fellowship of the sea and all that.

If you'll take me back to port,

I'll join my ship.

Pipe down!

You'll get back to port all right...

- Oh, good.

- ... In a year's time.

A year? Oh, no!

I've got a wife and nine kids.

In that case,

the rest will do you both good.

Listen to me the both of you.

You are now serving as ordinary seamen

aboard His Majesty's frigate Venus,

bound for distant parts as yet unknown!

Excuse me. Did you say "Venus"?

Yes, Venus.

That's all right, then.

I've nothing to worry about.

You won't think that

when I've done with you, mister.

But this is the ship

I was supposed to join.

I'm a Midshipman.

Oh, yes.

You're a Midshipman, are you?

- That's right. Midshipman Poop-Decker.

- That's very interesting.

Would you tell me

something else, friend?

Of course, sir.

Anything at all for you, sir.

Who is that up there, then?

Let me see now. Um...

Is it Nelson?

No, he's got too many arms.

Too many arms.

You'll have to tell me. Who is it?

Midshipman Albert Poop-Decker RN.

Is it really?

I'd never have believed you'd get two...

Just a minute. That's impossible.

I'm Midshipman Poop-Decker.

I've got papers to prove it.

The devil seize me!

I'm going to make you wish

that you were never born!

I'm going to run you ragged.

Before I've finished with you,

you'll be screaming for your mother!

Mother!

What's going on, Mr Howett?

Oh! Just welcoming

the volunteers aboard, sir.

Excellent! That's what I like to see -

kindness and consideration.

What is your name, good fellow?

Sweetly, sir. Walter Sweetly.

What a pleasant name.

What was your previous trade?

A cesspit cleaner, sir.

Well, it's a very pleasant name.

- And yours, good fellow?

- That's what I was trying to explain.

It's Poop-Decker. Albert Poop-Decker.

That doesn't seem very difficult

to explain.

Why's he wearing a woman's dress?

They're a funny lot in Plymouth

nowadays, sir.

Yes, I see what you mean.

Takes all sorts, I suppose.

And what was your trade?

I was trying to explain, sir.

I'm a Midshipman.

You're certainly a mid something.

Eh, Mr Howett?

No, before you came to sea.

- My father's a farmer.

- A farmer?

Excellent. Just what we were looking for.

My boy, you can look after my old cow.

Sir, I'm a Midshipman, not a lady's maid!

Argh!

Get him out!

Grrr!

I haven't done anything.

I wouldn't be in your shoes

for a king's ransom.

- Tell me what I've done!

- Get in there!

- Shut up!

- Tell me what I've done.

Ow! Ooh!

You've got to make an

example of this wretch.

Trying to pass himself off

as a Midshipman is bad enough,

but to ridicule a member of your family

in front of the crew like that...

I don't know, Mr Howett. It was

quite an understandable mistake, really.

You don't know this man.

- You don't know my wife.

- Your wife's irrelevant.

You've noticed that, have you?

I mean that she has nothing to do

with the matter in hand.

I mean...

Damn it, sir! He's guilty

of insolence and insubordination!

I suppose you're right.

What have you to say for yourself?

Only that I spoke truly.

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