Cars Page #5

I'm not a bulldozer. I'm a racecar.

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Is that right? Then why don't we

just have a little race? Me and you.

- What?

- [Chuckling] Me and you. That a joke?

If you win, you go and I fix the road.

If I win, you do the road my way.

Doc, what're you doin'?

I don't mean to be rude here,

but you probably go zero to sixty in,

like, what? Three-point-five years?

Then I reckon

you ain't got nothin' to worry about.

You know what, old-timer?

That's a wonderful idea. Let's race.

[Sheriff] Gentlemen,

this will be a one-lap race.

You will drive to Willy's Butte,

go around Willy's Butte and come back.

There will be no bumpin',

no cheatin', no spittin',

no bitin', no road rage, no maimin',

no oil slickin', no pushin', no shovin',

no backstabbin', no road-hoggin',

and no lollygaggin'.

Speed. I'm speed.

Float like a Cadillac,

sting like a Beemer.

[Luigi laughs]

My friend Guido, he dream to give

a real racecar a pit stop.

- Peet stop!

- Uh... [chuckles]

The race is only one lap, guys.

Uno lappo! Don't need any help.

- I work solo mio.

- Fine. Race your way.

- No pit stoppo. Comprendo?

- OK.

Gentlemen...

...start your engines!

[Engine sputters]

[Rewing furiously]

- Hijole! Check that out!

- Whoa.

Great idea, Doc.

Now the road will never get done.

Luigi?

[Chuckling] On your mark, get set...

Uno for the money,

due for the show,

tre to get ready, and quattro

to... I can't believe it. Go!

[Giggling]

[Cheering]

Huh?

Doc... the flag means go.

Remember the fl...

Here we go. Go.

Doc, what are you doing, man?

Oh, dear. It would seem

I'm off to a poor start.

Well, better late than never.

Come on, Mater.

- Might need a little help.

- Uh... OK.

You got your tow cable?

Well, yeah,

I always got my tow cable. Why?

[Doc] Oh, just in case.

[Yelling] Ow! Ow!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

No, no, no, no, no!

- Oh, man!

- Whoa.

- Ow!

- [Fillmore] Bad trip, man.

[Rewing]

Hey! Was that floatin' like a Cadillac

or was that stingin' like a Beemer?

- I'm confused.

- [Chuckling]

[Doc] You drive like you fix roads.

Lousy! Have fun fishin', Mater.

[Gasps] Ah!

I'm startin' to think he knowed

you was gonna crash!

Thank you, Mater. Thank you.

I can make a little turn on dirt.

You think?

No. And now I'm a day behind.

I'm never gonna get outta here!

Hey, ese!

You need a new paint job, man!

- [Lightning] No, thank you.

- How 'bout some organic fuel?

- That freak juice?

- [Lightning] Pass.

Whoo! Watchin' him is makin' me thirsty.

Anybody else want somethin' to drink?

Nah, not me, Flo.

I'm on one of them there special diets.

I'm a precisional instrument

of speed and aero-matics.

"You race like you fix roads."

[Grunting] I'll show him.

[Grunting] I will show him!

- [Tar splattering]

- Oh, great! I hate it!

- Hate, hate, hate, hate it!

- [Chuckles] Music. Sweet music.

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

[Lightning]

Radiator Springs, a happy place!

OK, Bessie, you think that's funny?

Great! I'm talking to Bessie now!

I'm talking to Bessie!

Wow.

[Mater] Mornin', Sally!

Hey, look at this here fancy new road

that Lightnin' McQueen done just made!

Yes! Uh, amazing!

Whoa-ho! Yeah! [sighing]

Oh, Ramone! Mama ain't

seen you that low in years.

I haven't seen a road like this

in years.

- Well, then let's cruise, baby.

- Low and slow.

[Italian] E bellissima! It's beautiful!

Guido, look, it's-a like

it was paved by angels.

Boy, I tell you what.

I bet even the roads on the moon

ain't this smooth.

Doc, look at this!

Shoulda tossed him into

the cactus a lot sooner, huh?

Well, he ain't finished yet.

Still got a long way to go.

Guido, look at Luigi!

This is fantastico!

That looks like fun!

Mater, I got dibs, next turn!

Hey, Luigi, this new road

makes your place look like a dump.

That crazy old devil woman.

[Sighs] Oh!

She's right!

- Ah!

- Guido!

Huh. That punk actually did a good job.

Well, now... where the heck is he?

Sheriff!

Is he makin' another run for it?

No, no. He ran outta asphalt

in the middle of the night,

and asked me if he could

come down here.

All he's tryin' to do

is make that there turn.

[Lightning] No, no, no, no! Oh, great.

Perfect turns on every track

I've ever raced on.

Sheriff, why don't you go get yourself

a quart of oil at Flo's.

I'll keep an eye on him.

Well, thanks, Doc.

I've been feelin' a quart low.

[Engine rewing]

[Screaming]

[Spitting]

This ain't asphalt, son. This is dirt.

Oh, great. What do you want?

You here to gloat?

You don't have three-wheel brakes,

so you got to pitch it hard,

break it loose and then

just drive it with the throttle.

Give it too much, you'll be

outta the dirt and into the tulips.

So you're a judge,

a doctor and a racing expert.

I'll put it simple.

If you're goin' hard enough left,

you'll find yourself turnin' right.

Oh... Right. That makes perfect sense.

Turn right to go left! Yes! Thank you!

Or should I say, "No, thank you"?

Because in Opposite World,

maybe that really means, "Thank you"!

Crazy grandpa car. What an idiot!

[Groans]

[Lightning] Turn right to go left.

Hmm...

Whoa!

- Oh!

- [Car crashing]

- Ow! Oh, that...

- [cactus crashing]

[Screaming] Ow!

Turn right to go left.

Guess what. I tried it.

You know what? This crazy thing

happened... I went right!

You keep talkin' to yourself,

people'll think you're crazy.

- Thanks for the tip.

- What? I wasn't talkin' to you!

- Oh, Guido, e bellissimo!

- Che cosa?

- It looks great! This is great!

- Ti piace, eh? Si, si, bellissimo.

[Grunts, passes gas]

Oh, Lord.

- [Chuckles]

- [Sheriff] Mater!

I need you

to watch the prisoner tonight.

Well, dad-gum! Wait a minute.

What if he tries to run again?

Just let him run outta gas

and tow him on back.

- But keep an eye on him.

- Yes, sir!

[Groaning] Oh...

While I'm stuck here

paving this stinkin' road,

Chick's in California schmoozing Dinoco.

My Dinoco. Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Who's touching me?

You have a slow leak. Guido, he fix.

You make-a such a nice new road.

You come to my shop.

Luigi take-a good care of you.

Even though you not a Ferrari.

You buy four tires,

I give you a full-a size spare

- absolutely free!

- Look, I get all my tires for free.

[Chuckling] I like your style, eh?

You drive the hard bargain.

OK. Luigi make you a new deal.

You buy one tire,

I give you three for free!

[Flo] Oh, would you look at that?

Ramone, Ramone!

[Luigi] Then Luigi make you

a new new deal.

[Lightning] No, no, no, no.

Deal me out. Pass. No, thank you.

- No, no, no, no. No.

- This is it. My last offer.

You buy one tire, I give you

seven-a snow tires for free!

Done. You interested, you call me.

You know where I am.

[Exhales deeply]

Ah!

Stop! Let me...

Oh, Red, you missed a spot.

See it right there?

- No! No!

- On the hood right there.

Stop, stop! That's cold!

Help! Please! Stop!

- [Coughing, sputtering]

- Thanks, Red.

What was that for?

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