Castle Keep Page #3

...to man's concept of beauty.

I want you to note the connubial chase

in Rubens' finest, most supple style.

That must've been his horny period.

Sergeant Rossi.

Gentlemen, I suspect

10 years from now, or 20...

...at some American Legion

convention...

...one of your nightmares will be

that day in the Ardennes...

...when you weren't blown up

by a bomb...

...you were bored to death by

Captain Beckman.

Now, the purpose of my talk...

...is to shock you.

- Sir?

Isn't the purpose to be sure the troops

don't get an hour off?

The function of all art

is to disturb and awake.

- Now, if I may make a small analogy...

- You do that, sir.

Corporal Clearboy. Was your estimate

General Patton planned in advance...

...his breakthrough out of Normandy?

- I don't know, sir.

I wanted to hear you say that.

He was with General Patton.

He and I were never close, sir.

It makes my point.

There's the same kind of spontaneity

in war as in art.

War is an art of becoming,

a culmination.

An orgasm?

Yes, art is like a sexual experience.

And the sexual experience, like art,

cannot be culminated alone.

You certain about that, sir?

You gentlemen recall the training film

Lieutenant Amberjack showed you?

- The one on sex, sir?

- I'd like to link that to the art of war...

...which the film didn't cover.

When you have a sex film,

you can't cover everything.

No, but I mean seriously, gentlemen,

sex without love...

...like art without feeling,

is nothing more than masturbation.

- Shall we write that down?

- I'm just throwing things out.

Could we pursue

that sexual thought further?

- No. No, no, no, no. My point is that...

- Sex is an art.

- No, no.

- Masturbation...

- No, no, De Vaca.

- Sir...

...what would you say if your best girl

were sleeping with a 4F?

I don't have to answer that.

I want to get back to the war.

But I'll leave you with a thought

that might do some good.

I'll say to you bums that if you ever

lecture an hour to a bunch of idiots...

...then resign your commission.

- I'd like to be alone, Alistair.

- You're a fun guy.

- Your talk on art turned me on.

- I don't particularly wanna be fun.

- You mind if I sit down, sir?

- No, you can stand.

You took your lecture too hard.

Is war a subjective thing, sir?

That's a good point.

You know...

- You comfortable?

- Do you mean that facetiously?

No, I mean, you being a private

and me being a captain and everything.

- And everything?

- Yes.

The enemy and the American Army

is out there and we're talking...

Never underestimate the intelligence

of the American soldier, sir.

- You get that in a training manual?

- You shouldn't be bitter, sir.

If a soldier didn't value art,

he wouldn't be much of a soldier.

Napoleon before Venice said, " If my

cannon destroy but one statue...

...I would rather not take Venice."

Did Napoleon say that?

- Doesn't sound like Napoleon.

- Oh, well, no.

- But I thought it would cheer you up.

- I appreciate that.

But Napoleon was a louse.

- I think soldiering is a bore, don't you?

- Yes, sir.

But I see you have the Purple Heart

and Silver Star.

I got excited. For a whole year I was

out of my mind, but I've recovered now.

But you'd fight for this castle.

Yes.

I don't know who.

I don't know which side

would want to destroy it.

One thing more, sir.

Sorry I couldn't help

during the lecture.

That's beyond and above

the call of duty.

- Still...

- When you write your book...

...you can rescue me.

No, don't bother.

Just write well about this castle

and how we kept it.

It's really not a bad title,

Castle Keep.

Thank you, sir.

Castle Keep.

We will try, sir.

Will that be all, captain?

That is all.

No one knew exactly when...

... Corporal Clearboy fell in love

with the Volkswagen.

But there he was one morning...

... petting it, shining it up

lik e a silver whore.

I understand you've been sleeping

with the Volkswagen.

Yes, sir. Is there a regulation

against it, sir?

Yes.

- Sodomy?

- That's animals.

There's a regulation against using

enemy equipment. Creates confusion.

Sir. She's a beautiful car, sir.

You must love the Volkswagen

very much, Clearboy.

Thirty-six horses.

No water, sir. Hides her engine

in her rear, air-cooled. No water, sir.

Is the world suffering

a water shortage?

Not now, sir, but suppose this war

just goes on and on and on...

...destroys everything in the world.

Since the Volkswagen

gets along without water...

...she'll survive

when other creatures die off.

Someday the world will be populated

with nothing but Volkswagens.

You've figured that out, Clearboy?

Very well, Corporal Clearboy,

keep it.

Clearboy has a thing

about the Volkswagen.

- Why doesn't he see a doctor?

- Think that's abnormal?

I think it's frustrating as hell.

- Amberjack. I want patrols stepped up.

- Yes, sir.

Be on the lookout for infiltrators

slipping into town in advance of attack.

The place for infiltrators

is the Red...

Exactly. That's where I'd go.

Sir, you want me to go

to the Red Queen's?

No, come back here and play the flute

while Beckman saves statues.

That's the way to fight a war.

Seen any infiltrators lately,

honey, baby, p*ssy-lamb?

I gotta draw a lieutenant

to lead a patrol who's a flutist.

Flautist.

I gotta draw a lieutenant

who plays the "flaute."

Hey. Knock it off, you men.

I'm a German.

All right.

You knock it off too.

- May I a criticism make?

- No.

The " Brahms' Lullaby" goes:

Not:

I studied music in London.

- What are you doing here?

- Surrounding the castle.

- What century is it?

- 20th, for chrissake.

He means the castle.

Tenth.

Beckman says the north wing is 15th.

Lionel Beckman, the art historian?

- Yeah.

- Have you read his book...

... Twelfth-Century Iv ory Miniatures?

- It's wonderful.

- No, I haven't.

Right, tell him nothing.

If you will throw me your flute,

I will fix it for you.

I studied under Mayerhorn.

He's a good man.

He's liable to toss back a grenade.

Never trust a Kraut.

I'm not trusting a Kraut.

I'm trusting a colleague.

Suppose a high-ranking officer came

and asked what you did with the flute.

What would you tell him?

The stops were not smooth.

Now listen:

What did you do that for?

That's what we do for a living,

lieutenant.

- What were these old tunnels built for?

- Escape.

One branch there comes out

behind Maldorais.

In the swamp. This one goes under

the moat to the northeast.

Toward the German lines.

You're a collector, Beckman.

I try to be selective, sir.

Suppose you were

without an education.

I'd probably collect...

...old string, newspapers.

Fallen women.

Don't judge her, Beckman.

She's not a work of art.

Hey.

- You guys hear something?

- Probably a goldfish spawning.

I hate myself for doing this.

I'll come back after the war

and salvage it.

- What do we do?

- Keep our heads.

Volkswagen can't swim.

It's just showing off.

It's still showing off.

Look, if we put a bullet

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