Catch-22

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What about the others?

I'd be playing a dirty trick on them.

They'll be happier when you're gone.

They have a war to win.

Well, what the hell.

If they don't want any more missions,

let them stand up and say so.

- Precisely.

- Exactly.

Help! Help!

Help him!

- What?

- Help him! Help him!

- Help who?

- Help the bombardier!

- I'm the bombardier, I'm all right.

- Then help him. Help him!

- Snowden.

- What'd he say?

- He said, "Snowden".

- Snowden's dead.

- Why is he talking to a dead man?

- He's Captain Yossarian. He's crazy.

- Who says so?

- I do.

- Cos I hate that son of a b*tch?

- Who?

- Colonel Cathcart.

- I didn't ask you, Orr.

- Colonel Cathcart isn't here.

- Who said anything about him?

- Colonel Korn isn't here.

- Who said anything about him?

- What son of a b*tch do you hate?

- What son of a b*tch is here?

- You don't make any sense.

- You've got a persecution complex.

- Damn right.

- You admit it!

I admit I'm being persecuted.

By them!

- Who specifically is "them"?

- All of them! Who do you think?

- No idea!

- Then how do you know they aren't?

- That's sheer what-do-you-call-it.

- Sophistry.

Like hell it is.

They're trying to kill me!

No one's trying to kill you.

Eat your dessert like a good boy.

- Then why are they shooting at me?

- They're shooting at everyone.

- What difference does that make?

- Suppose everyone thought like you?

- I'd be a fool to think different.

- You need your head examined.

There's nothing wrong with it.

- Look at it once, will you?

- Yossarian, your head is OK.

Please, don't do that.

- Doc?

- What?

- I want you to ground me.

- Don't start that again.

Doc, I don't want to fly any more.

It's dangerous.

Listen, I told you...

Let's get out of here.

I've flown 35 missions. Now that nut

has raised the number to 50.

In any other outfit I would've been

rotated after 25. Help me out.

I'm due for rotation myself

in a couple of months,

if I don't cause trouble

or break any rules.

One of the rules says I can't ground

anyone just because he asks me to.

Can you ground someone who's crazy?

Of course. The rules say

I have to ground anyone who's crazy.

I'm crazy! Ask anybody.

Ask Nately, Dobbs, McWatt...

- Orr, tell him!

- Tell him what?

- Am I crazy?

- He's crazy. He won't fly with me.

I'd take good care of him

but he won't. He's crazy, all right.

- See that? They all say I'm crazy.

- They're crazy.

- Ground them.

- Why don't they ask me to?

- Because they're crazy!

- Of course they're crazy.

You can't let crazy people decide

whether you're crazy or not.

- Is Orr crazy?

- Of course he is.

He has to be, if he keeps flying

after all those close calls.

- Then why not ground him?

- He has to ask me.

- That's all he's gotta do?

- Yes.

- And then you can ground him?

- No. Then I cannot ground him.

- There's a catch.

- A catch?

Sure, Catch-22. Anyone who wants

to get out of combat

isn't really crazy,

so I can't ground him.

Let me see if I got this straight.

In order to be grounded,

I've got to be crazy

and I must be crazy to keep flying.

But if I ask to be grounded,

that means I'm not crazy any more

- and I have to keep flying.

- You've got it! That's Catch-22.

- That's some catch, that Catch-22.

- It's the best there is!

Good afternoon, this is Major Danby,

your Flight Operations Officer,

welcoming you to today's mission.

You've all been briefed

on this morning's run,

so I won't go over it again.

There's no sense naming names, since

the enemy is probably listening,

and there's no reason I can think of

to tell him

where we're going to strike.

That's the stupidest goddamn thing

I ever heard him say.

Weather conditions have improved

tremendously over the mainland,

so you won't have any trouble

seeing the target.

Of course, you mustn't forget,

that means that they will have

no trouble at all seeing you.

Colonel Cathcart would like to say

a few words before take-off.

- And so, without further ado...

- Give me that!

Men, I'm not gonna waste

any more of your time than I have to.

I wish you good luck

on today's mission.

To those of you who won't come back,

I'd like to say

we're gonna do our best to take care

of your wives and/or sweethearts.

And don't forget,

General Dreedle wants to see

a nice tight bombing pattern

on those aerial photographs.

Everyone ready to go?

Colonel Korn, I'd like you

to stay in the control tower.

Stay on top of this. I'd like

to know when my boys make target.

Yes, sir!

What is it, Lieutenant Minderbinder?

- An egg, sir.

- I know that, Lieutenant.

- A fresh egg, sir.

- Where did you get the egg?

In Malta, sir, where there are

enough chickens to lay fresh eggs

for every officer in the squadron,

at five cents apiece

from the mess fund.

With a clear profit

of two cents per egg.

For whom?

For whomever sells the eggs

to the mess.

And who may that be, Milo?

- Oranges from Marrakech, pecans...

- Pecans?

And in Palermo, ten thousand gallons

of the finest Italian olive oil.

The Sicilians need blankets.

It would be a fair trade.

There's an interested party

in Sardinia.

All we need is the cooperation

of the countries we're dealing with.

- What countries?

- The African nations, sir,

in the Greater Mediterranean area.

What we need is an additional

assignment of personnel,

a little time and a plane.

- What plane?

- One of ours, sir. If I had one,

I could get the gasoline to Malta

and bring the eggs back.

All right.

And if I was taken off combat duty

until I get this into operation...

But...

I know I'm just

an acting mess officer, Colonel,

but it requires my full attention.

It's to everyone's benefit.

- Take whatever you need.

- Thank you.

What I hope to do is to give the men

the finest cuisine in the world.

- Isn't that something to shoot at?

- Yes, Milo, it certainly is.

With your permission, I'd like to

show you something I've had printed.

- What is it?

- Just an idea, sir. It's a share.

- A share?

- In M&M Enterprises.

If we get my ideas into practice,

it should be organised like a mart.

- A mart?

- A syndicate.

An enterprise. There are tremendous

profits to be made, Colonel.

- For us?

- For everyone.

What's good for M&M Enterprises

will be good for the country.

- You'll have our full cooperation.

- Thank you.

If I take a plane this afternoon,

I'll get this material to Alexandria.

There's a huge cotton crop this year.

- Cotton is a very liquid commodity.

- How much?

- We'll trade for it.

- With what?

Silk! Four thousand yards of silk.

How did you get hold of

so much silk?

Where the hell's my parachute?

All right, which one of you bastards

stole my parachute?

Hello, this is the bombardier here.

We gotta turn back.

Nately, we gotta turn back now.

Nately! Do you hear me up there?

We gotta turn back.

We're gonna turn back now.

Nately, let's turn back.

We're gonna turn back!

- What is it this time, Yossarian?

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