Catch-22 Page #2

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- Some bastard stole my chute!

- Anything the matter?

- My parachute. It's gone!

- Don't worry.

- What do you mean?

What do I do if I have to bail out?

Use my handkerchief?

That kind of humour in the face

of adversity keeps America strong.

I like you.

Aardvark, I'd like to kill you,

but I haven't got time.

You could have my chute

but I gave it to Milo.

- You gave it to Milo?

- He's got all the chutes.

He's got a hell of a deal

going for silk in Alexandria.

Maybe I do have time to kill...

- Looks like they've seen us coming.

- They've seen us!

- God, they've seen us!

- Get ready to dump those eggs.

They're shooting at me!

Where are we?

Aardvark, where are we?

- I think we're there.

- We're there?

We're there? We're there!

Get ready to turn!

Four, three...

two, one, drop! Let's go!

Turn right hard! Turn, turn!

Turn, you son of a b*tch! Turn right!

- Turn, turn right!

- Look at that.

I think we got 'em this time,

where it hurts. I can't hear you.

- Get back in the ship!

- What's that?

Climb, you bastard! Climb!

- Fire! Fire on board!

- Where's the fire?

- Get out of the nose!

- I'm not in the nose.

Speak up. I still can't hear you.

They're trying to kill us.

Get out of here!

- Which way should I go?

- Turn left, you son of a b*tch!

Look, there goes Orr.

That stupid little bastard. Pull out!

I think you've caught

a little something there.

Is it my leg?

Is that my leg?

- What's with my leg?

- Take it easy.

My leg!

Yossarian's caught one.

- What's that? I don't get you.

- Help him!

- What?

- Help him! Help him!

- Help who?

- Help the bombardier!

- I'm the bombardier, I'm all right.

- Then help him. Help him!

It's...

- What's his name, the new gunner?

- Snowden.

- I'm cold.

- OK. You're gonna be OK.

I'm cold. I'm cold.

Over here! Hurry up!

- What?

- I asked how you were feeling.

Better, thank you. What about you?

- Me? Fairly well, thank you.

- You're welcome.

Except for a slight head cold.

Had it for about a week.

Can't seem to shake it.

You know what they're like.

No, I don't.

I've never really had a head cold.

I've tried but...

- Can't seem to be able to get one.

- You're very lucky.

Yes, I suppose I am.

Except for this piece of shrapnel

I caught in my leg.

I've never caught

a piece of shrapnel.

- You're a chaplain!

- Yes. Didn't you know that?

No, I didn't. I've never

really seen a chaplain before.

I had no idea chaplains

looked like that.

Well, if I can do anything

to help you, anything at all, you...

Anything?

Like books, or cigarettes.

Toys?

No, I have everything I need,

thank you very much.

- You could do one thing for me.

- What?

- You could speak to Major Duluth.

- The Squadron Commander?

Tell him

I don't want to fly any more.

Cathcart raised the number of

missions! He's trying to kill us all!

- I can't do it, I'm desperate!

- It's not my business...

- I'm desperate!

- I'll see what I can do. I will.

I'm gonna do my best.

It takes me 45 minutes

to do this thing.

First I saut the chicken parts,

then I put the raisins

and the onions in.

He yelled.

I'm awfully sorry, sir.

- What's your name?

- Major, sir.

Not your rank, I asked your name.

No, sir. I'm a captain.

My name is Major. Captain Major.

About as clear as mud, isn't it?

That's what it's just about

as clear as.

Listen, Captain. You know

Major Duluth, the Squadron Commander?

- He's a fine man, sir.

- Was. Major Duluth is dead.

I'm distraught to hear that.

You may be distraught but he's dead.

Shot down over Perugia today.

That'll teach him to go on missions

when he should be in the office.

- I don't see...

- We need a new squadron commander.

And you're the only major available

on our headquarters staff.

No, Major is my name, not my rank.

That's close enough for me, Major.

Consider yourself a major.

I don't know anything

about being a commander.

We all have

to make sacrifices, Major.

Sir, I'm in Billeting and Laundry!

I know that, sir, but we all

have to do our part, I guess.

Well, I don't like my part.

Sergeant, I'm going to take

the rest of the afternoon off,

and lie down in my tent

and think about things.

Sir, there's someone

waiting to see you.

- Now?

- Yes, sir.

- Who is it?

- Captain Tappman, Group Chaplain.

What does he want?

Something to do with

Captain Yossarian.

Look, Sergeant...

My job is tough enough

without having to deal all the time

with people who want something.

- Do I make myself clear?

- Yes, sir.

I suppose you're wondering

about this.

No, sir.

It's not my place to wonder.

- Did you know people stare at me?

- No, sir.

They're thinking,

"Who is that Major Major,

"that he gets to be commander

without ever having flown?"

- I don't think people think that.

- Well, they are.

When I have this on,

they don't know who I am.

Did you know, in the Middle Ages,

princes and kings

would put on disguises

and walk around their subjects?

- I didn't know that.

- You don't know everything.

- No, sir. Why did they do that?

- Why did who do what?

Why did they walk around in disguise?

How the hell am I supposed to know?

I'm not some historian or anything.

I'm just a guy trying to do his job.

Good afternoon, Sergeant.

- What is it now?

- What do I do with the Chaplain?

I don't want anyone to come

and see me while I'm in my office.

What do I say to people

who want to see you?

- Tell them to wait.

- For how long?

- Until I've left.

- Then what?

- I don't care.

- I send them in after you've left?

You won't be here, then, will you?

Also, I don't want you coming in

while I'm in,

asking me

if there's anything you can do.

When should I ask

if there's anything I can do?

When I'm not there!

- What do I do then?

- Whatever has to be done.

I'm sorry to have to talk

to you this way, but I have to.

- Goodbye.

- Goodbye, sir.

- Thank you, for everything.

- Thank you, sir.

- The Major will see you now, Father.

- Thank you.

- You don't have to call me Father.

- Sergeant Towser speaking.

Will you go in?

Yes, sir. I have it here, sir.

- There's no one here.

- Where?

In Major Major's office.

- When?

- When you go to see him.

What I mean is you can't see him

when he's there,

when he's in his office.

I've tried. Several times.

When can you see him? Ever?

Yes, indeed, you can see him,

when he isn't there.

That is, he'll see you, all right,

but only in his office,

and only when he's not there.

The other times, when he's in...

he's not there

to be seen.

Except when he's out.

What the hell

are you talking about, Father?

Get your ass in here, Padre.

Are you describing

some mystical experience?

There are some peculiar things

happening.

You haven't had any ecstatic visions,

have you?

Didn't see a burning bush,

hear voices, anything like that?

- Nothing as extraordinary as that.

- I hope not.

We have to keep our supernatural

episodes down to a minimum.

- We have a war to win.

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