Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy

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-Hey, how's it going?

-(GASPS) Oh, my God. Did you just talk?

-l did.

-Are you one of those frogs

that'll turn into a prince if I kiss you?

Why don't you kiss me

and see for yourself?

You're still a frog.

Yeah, you also have to

reach one hand under me

and lightly touch

the underside of my penis.

-What?

-You have to reach one hand under...

No, no, no. I know what you said,

but I've just never heard that part.

-Well, you have now.

-So I just

-lightly touch...

-The underside of my penis, yeah.

Oh. Okay.

-Nothing's happening.

-What do you mean?

-You're not turning into a prince.

-I'm not a prince.

-But you told me you were.

-l did not.

-Yes, you did.

-l did not.

You said I was,

and I just didn't bother to correct you.

So, what are you?

(LAUGHING) I'm just a frog

looking to get some wood, man,

and mission accomplished.

Thank you very much.

-You're a sick pervert.

-Yeah, well, I'm the one with the boner,

-so jackpot for me. You lose.

-You're a bastard.

Well, take a hike then.

-Hey, there.

-(GASPS) A frog prince.

I'm supposed to kiss you, right?

No, actually, you're supposed

to take a dump on my back.

Oh, Tootsie, no. What are you doing?

You think you're fooling them

with that wig, but they're gonna find out.

They're gonna find out, and then what?

Then the sh*t hits the fan, doesn't it?

You're not using your brain.

Oh, Kermit, what are you doing?

You can't get to Hollywood

in that old Studebaker.

Besides, you're a puppet. They're not

going to listen to a puppet in Hollywood.

Oh, don't stop

and pick up those other puppets,

there's no room for them in the car.

You're not using your brain.

Oh, Bender, what are you doing?

Don't talk back to the principal.

He's just gonna make you come back

next Saturday.

Just keep your mouth... You did it!

You talked back to him.

Now you're gonna get more detention...

You did it again.

You got another. What's wrong with you?

That's another!

Stop it! You got one more!

You stupid bastard.

You're not using your brain.

Oh, Marty, what are you doing?

Don't be hanging around that old man.

His crazy inventions are just

gonna get you into trouble...

Don't get in the DeLorean.

He just told you it's a time machine.

Now you're gonna go back to the '50s

and f*** up your parents' lives.

And you'd know that,

if you were using your brain,

but you're not, are you?

You're not using your brain.

-Hello.

-Hi.

What's that you're reading?

I'm just reading this L.A. Times piece

on campaign reform.

Oh.

-Where are you flying to?

-Africa.

-You live there?

-Yeah, I was just here for the holidays,

-and now I'm heading back home.

-Cool. What do you do there?

Look, I don't mean to be rude, but I really

would kind of just like to read this article.

-No, sure. Yeah. No, that's...

-I'm just not much of a talker.

Yeah, no...

I was just asking what you do for a living.

I peel bananas with my feet,

I pick bugs off my friends' backs,

-and that's pretty much it.

-l bet that's really interesting.

-No, not really.

-So, if you're ever in town again,

would you, maybe, want to go get a

drink with me or something? See a movie?

Well, I don't really know

when that would be.

I don't get to the States that often.

-Oh.

-Yeah.

Well, would you want

to have sex with me now, then?

Now you're talking.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

-That was awesome.

-l know.

-l mean, really.

-You were so giving.

-Oh, well.

-So unselfish.

-You make it easy.

-I'm blushing.

(CHUCKLES) Really? I don't see it.

No, it's only on my balls.

I blush with my balls.

-Wow.

-Yeah.

-Weird.

-Hey, listen.

-There's something you should know.

-What's that?

I have this disease that kind of makes

your immune system sort of go away.

Oh.

Yeah, it's probably nothing,

but I just thought I should tell you.

Okay.

-Otherwise I am clean as a whistle.

-Great.

Hey, thanks for

not making me wear a condom.

-Yeah, no problem.

-Wanna go again?

Let's pound it, brother.

Now, if you'll turn to page three in your

packets, we'll go over fiscal projections.

I'm pleased to announce a 32% increase

in profit for the fourth quarter,

as well as a 16% rise in yearly revenue

at all subsidiaries.

This is despite heightened competition

and higher labor costs.

Compound percent yield, of course,

assumes reinvested interest.

Now, value-oriented stocks appear to be

attractive prospects once again,

and quite able

to generate a healthy cash flow

and give investors

a reassuring margin of safety.

Although the market is

far from where it was six years ago,

we're looking anew

at value stocks and mutual funds

that hold value-oriented shares,

which tend to have a low price-to-earnings

or price-to-book ratios,

or high yields from dividends.

In fact, value stocks have performed

better than growth stocks

over the past several years

among the larger corporations

and the long-term compound appreciation

is quite impressive.

(CATS MEOWING)

(LAUGHS)

A**holes.

(WIND HOWLING)

Uh-oh! I gotta poop.

(GRUNTING)

Come on, you.

We are gathered here today

to ask the blessing of the Lord, our God,

for this union of Mark and Stephanie.

Well, that's good enough for me.

It's been great, Steph.

Same here, good luck.

-Best to the family.

-Yours, too.

-l mean, this is pretty clear, right?

-Yes. That's God's sh*t.

Right, yeah. Okay, thanks, everyone.

All right, here's one. So, a horse walks

into a bar and the bartender says,

"Why the long face?"

(BOTH LAUGHING)

-That's hilarious.

-Hey. F*** you.

-Whoa !

-What the hell's your problem?

You're my problem, dude.

That joke is offensive.

-Yeah?

-Yeah. I'm sorry that not everyone

conforms to your preconceived notions

of attractiveness.

-It's a joke, man.

-Oh. Yeah? It's a joke? How about this?

Why are there

so few black baseball players?

-Why?

-Because they're always stealing bases.

(LAUGHING)

-Whoa ! Hey, now that is offensive.

-Yeah, what the hell, man?

-Hey, it's a joke, man.

-Yeah, but it's racist.

The horse with the long face

just told a racist joke, huh?

-That's different.

-Yeah, how's it different?

Hey, why do you have so many drinks

and you haven't touched any of them?

Hello, Einstein, hooves.

No f***ing thumbs, can't pick up a glass.

-Well, then, why are you in a bar?

-Eat sh*t, that's why. D*ckhead.

Look, look. I think we all

got off on the wrong foot here.

-Yeah, well, you got that right.

-We're sorry, okay?

-All right, me, too.

-Look, I'm Mike and this is Harry.

Sarah Jessica Parker.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Hello and welcome back

to Name That Animal Penis.

I'm here with our reigning champion

Kevin Biggins,

who has advanced

to the Glory Hole Round,

which means

we're gonna stick a live animal's penis

through that hole over there.

And if you can guess

what type of animal it belongs to,

you're gonna win $100,000. Are you ready?

I'm ready to name that animal penis, Bob.

All right, then let's fill that Glory Hole.

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