Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy Page #2

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(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)

-Wow.

-That sure is an animal penis.

-l can smell it from here.

-Are you ready to identify it?

(EXHALES)

-Man, I don't know.

-Talk it out.

Well, it looks like some kind of

large jungle cat, but I'm not really sure.

You still have a lifeline.

Would you like to use it?

-Yeah, I'm gonna call my dad.

-Good luck. You have 30 seconds.

(PHONE DIALING)

(PHONE RINGING)

-Hello?

-Dad, it's Kevin.

What kind of animal's penis

is brown and purple,

about a foot and a half and really veiny?

-What? Where are you?

-No time, Dad.

I just need to know about the penis.

It has a very strong

kind of burnt smelling odor...

-Kevin, it is the middle of the night.

-MOM:
Michael, who is that?

DAD:
It's Kevin.

He's asking about animal penises.

MOM:
What? Why?

Dad, I really need to know

about this penis.

It looks like a panther's,

but the fur is too light,

-and the balls are just huge.

-MOM:
What?

DAD:
Kevin, you're upsetting your mother.

Linda, calm down.

(WOMAN CRYING)

(BUZZER SOUNDS)

(HANGS UP)

-That wasn't much help.

-No, not really. I'm still stumped.

Would you care to take a guess?

-ls it a mountain lion?

-Yes.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(GASPS) Are you serious?

But that was a total shot in the dark.

Congratulations, Kevin.

You've won 100,000 dick dollars

and a chance to go for one million.

-Are you ready for the bonus round?

-Absolutely.

All right, Kevin. Name that animal penis.

Can we hurry this along, please?

I have a plane to catch.

(ROADRUNNER HONKING)

Holy sh*t. I did it.

He's under there. I got him.

I f***ing got him.

Jesus, I'm gonna need a shovel.

Mmm !

This is delicious.

It's like when you work for your meal,

when you really work for it,

it just tastes that much better, you know?

So, what are you gonna do now?

Huh.

Never really thought about it.

Been chasing this damn bird for 20 years,

I'm not really trained for anything else.

I guess I kind of

let my life get away from me.

Well, I'm sure something will turn up.

(CHATTERING ON TV)

Okay, that's a pastrami on rye,

a pasta salad, two Diet Cokes...

No, no, no.

It was one Coke and one Diet Coke.

-Oh, God, I'm sorry...

-Well, we've been waiting an hour.

-l know, I'm sorry...

-What the hell kind of place is...

(SHOUTING) I'm sorry.

God damn it, I'm sorry, all right?

I'm just having some f***ing

identity issues right now, all right?

I can't think straight, and l...

Just get off my back

-because you don't know what it's like.

-Wile E., you're fired.

Mom and Dad, f***ing forgive me for this.

And then, all of a sudden, it hit me.

I knew who I wanted to be.

And I untied myself from that catapult,

and here I am.

-Well, that is such a relief.

-l know, I know.

So, if you have about 45 minutes, l'd like

to talk to you about the Lord Jesus Christ.

Oh, sh*t.

MAN:
Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

(LAUGHS)

Thank you.

(SINGING) The sky is looking oh so blue

And all of me just seems so new

The sun is shining bright

And everything's allright

'Cause I just came inside of you

WOMAN:
Ow!

Hey, you're not a dead body.

-No, I'm Helena Bonham Carter.

-Oh.

Yeah, it's an honest mistake.

Happens all the time.

Ow!

God, this is incredibly uncomfortable.

Okay, I did not agree to a threesome.

(GRUNTS)

I'm gonna get in shape.

But not today.

(LAUGHS)

I'm gonna go get a sandwich instead.

Sir Gallant,

I have summoned you here today

to ask you to serve your king and country.

The dragon that has been wreaking havoc

throughout this land must be stopped.

-Yeah?

-And you must slay this ferocious beast.

-F***, no.

-What?

No way. That's like crazy sh*t

you're talking right there, King.

But, Sir Gallant,

the dragon is destroying our land.

Yeah, gee, no sh*t. I wonder why.

Maybe it's because it's f***ing huge

and breathes all like fire and sh*t?

Yeah, that might have

something to do with it.

-You must do this. It is your duty.

-F*** off, you do it.

Well, I can't.

Well, then, he who lives

in a glass house blabbity blah.

You're f***ing high

if you think I'm gonna...

-Uh. Hey. Hi there.

-Oh, my God, there he is.

Yeah. I couldn't help

overhearing your conversation,

-and I feel somewhat responsible.

-You are, you little rat f***.

Bop you on the nose.

Ow!

But, listen, if I'm really causing

all this trouble, I'm just gonna split.

-You would spare our kingdom?

-Yeah, I...

I just don't feel super comfortable being

the cause of all this internal confrontation.

-Well, there you go.

-Yeah.

-Well, this all worked itself out, huh?

-Yeah. So I'm gonna go

-wreck some other kingdom.

-Do it.

-Okay.

-Well, then, we are saved.

(SINGING) Everybody dance now

(VOCALIZING)

Hey, you, do this

F***, yeah. Smoke pot, kids.

Do your homework, too,

but when you're done,

smoke pot and listen to music.

Use headphones if you got them.

Make sure to keep a pen and pad by

your bed to write down all your thoughts.

You might surprise yourself.

And don't be lazy and just repeat them

over and over in your head.

Write them down! You'll forget that sh*t

in the morning. It'll piss you right off.

Also, you should get a summer job,

mow lawns, something outside,

if for no other reason than to get

your parents off your back, am I right?

Okay, get out of here, you rascals.

Go find some pot.

(FRED GRUNTING)

(FARTING)

(SPLASHING)

(LAUGHING)

(GRUNTING)

(FARTING)

(SPLASHING)

(LAUGHING)

(GRUNTING)

Jesus Christ.

Oh, yeah.

(LAUGHING)

(GRUNTING)

(FARTING)

(GROANING)

Oh, yeah!

(SPLASHING)

(LAUGHING)

(GROANING)

(FARTING)

(SPLASHING)

Oh, boy.

(LAUGHING)

All right, Steve, Fido. Your category is

Things You Find In The Kitchen.

Fido, you'll be giving the clues.

You have one minute. Go.

(BARKING)

Oven. Silverware. Cereal.

Refrigerator. Pantry. Salt.

Muffin. Baking tray. Phone. Apple. Toaster.

Napkin. Ice cube. Dishes.

(BUZZER SOUNDS)

-I'm sorry, you're out of time.

-It was blender, you a**hole. Blender!

Dumbass.

(VIDEOGAME MUSIC PLAYING)

Mario, you did it. I'm saved.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Yes, Princess, you are free.

Your nightmare is over.

-I'm so happy.

-Yes, yes. How about a kiss?

-What?

-l say how about a kiss, yes?

-What... Why would I do that?

-What... Why would you...

-l just saved your life.

-Yeah, but I don't even know you.

-l rescued you.

-Yeah, but you expect...

What kind of Samaritan are you? You

rescued me just so you could get with me?

Jesus Christ, I'm not ask you to

suck my dick. All I want is a kiss.

Do you know

what I went through to get here?

You leaped a bunch of mushrooms,

I'm so impressed.

Well, you're the one

who got captured by mushrooms.

-How the f*** does that even happen?

-Don't turn this around. Don't flip this.

You got kidnapped by something

that goes on a salad.

-Hey, it's a little more complicated.

-And by the way, by the way,

I did not just leap a bunch of mushrooms.

There were also these turtle-shelled things

I had to jump over,

and that was really hard.

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