Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy Page #3

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And the only help I got

was every once in a while,

a gold star would appear up above me,

and I would jump up and touch it

and it would go...

(Vocalizing)

And that would help a little bit,

and l'd feel a little better,

but it was hard.

The whole thing was really hard.

-I'm not kissing you.

-Okay, f*** this. F*** it.

Hey, dragon. You can have her.

Michael, this isn't going to be easy,

but you're a grown man now

and your mother and I feel

you deserve to know the truth.

-l don't understand, Dad.

-Michael, you're not our biological son.

(GASPS)

-What?

-You were adopted.

Oh, my... Oh, my God.

Your mother and I felt

it was wrong to conceive a new child

with so many unwanted children

in the world already.

Baby, we're sorry

we didn't tell you sooner. We just...

We wanted to wait until you were mature

and able to handle the knowledge.

Oh, my gosh. My head is spinning.

To be honest, we were always afraid

you'd figure it out for yourself,

based on little obvious things.

I mean, we all have such dark hair,

and your hair is blond.

The rest of the family has brown eyes

and yours are blue.

And as your fair complexion... I mean,

none of us have freckles like you do.

That's right. And you're a good deal taller

than either your mother or l,

and your nipples don't stick out 5 feet

in front of you like the rest of the family.

But we always loved you

as if you were our very own,

-and we still do, Michael.

-Actually, that's another thing, your name.

-What about my name?

-Your real name isn't Michael Sticknipples.

-It's not?

-No.

Your birth name is Albert Shitsneeze.

-This is so much to process.

-l know. I know it is, dear.

-We understand if you're upset with us.

-No, I'm not. I mean,

I don't know. Maybe a little.

I just... I don't really understand.

(SNEEZES)

I don't understand why you felt

like I wouldn't be able to handle this.

I mean, I love you guys. You raised me.

As far as I'm concerned,

you're my parents.

Albert, we love you, too.

-Do I have a middle name?

-Yes, you're Albert Horsefeet Shitsneeze.

(Neighing)

Hey, you know, being out on this ocean

reminds me

of when we were filming U-571.

You familiar with that picture?

It's a submarine picture.

I spent a lot of time in the water for that.

You know, I also made a movie called

Fool's Gold, me and Kate Hudson.

We had a contest to see

who could get more tanned.

I won, of course,

but still it was a great contest.

You know, the last time I was on water

in a ship scenario,

I was making a little picture

by a man named Steven Spielberg,

up and coming director.

You might have heard of him.

It's a film called Amistad,

a historical picture.

Flexed my acting chops, as it were.

Not quite the way I did in We Are Marshall.

Did you see that face I made? It was like...

(GRUNTING)

(LAUGHING) I was making faces

like a real guy. There was a guy,

he really looked like that, so I thought

l'd impersonate him in the face.

I'm just such a good actor.

That's what you need to do, friend,

to keep yourself alive.

You can take the meat of my body.

l'll be Christ-like on you.

You can taste my body

and drink my blood.

You know, the best thing

about having one leg

is probably all the cinematic opportunities

for me. I'm more of a character actor.

Everybody always heralds me

as a beautiful man.

They say, "Oh, Matt, your body.

Oh, Matt, your glorious face,

"your physique, your flowing hair,

your gigantic penis,

"your fantastic ass..." You know.

I want people to look at me

more as a character.

Sort of like Jared Leto

doing that Mark David Chapman role.

He put on all that weight for it.

That was impressive. Pretty boy.

(GROANS) That is probably

a near fatal wound.

That's the kind of thing that

a person would bleed out from.

You know, in the obit,

it would probably say,

"Handsome movie star,

hunk Matthew McConaughey

"died of a fatal stab wound

"that barely was able to pierce

his metal-like abdominal muscles."

Nice thing is, I imagine,

at my funeral they will talk about me.

In reverence at my memorial service,

they'll go over all my great works

starting at Dazed and Confused

and running right up to Sahara.

All the wonderful things I've done

in my life. It would be a good time.

I wish I could be there,

'cause that's a story l'd like to hear,

the story of Matthew...

(GASPS)

Hey, ladies, you like night club?

We go to night club, buy champagne,

drink from bottle.

-Just get in sports car.

-Yeah, get in sports car.

-No thanks, guys.

-Okay, okay. What you like then?

Puppies? We buy puppies,

walk them in the park,

buy them puppy snacks.

Just get in sports car.

-Yeah, get in sports car.

-Seriously, we're not interested.

Okay, okay, what you like then?

indigo Girls? We go see indigo Girls,

sing along with chorus, hold hands

with lesbians. Just get in sports car.

-Yeah, get in sports car.

-Look, we're not getting in your sports car.

-Now leave us alone.

-Ahmed, look.

All right.

This time we use other plan, okay?

Okay.

Hey, ladies, you like mouth sex?

We rent limo.

-Yeah, we rent limo.

-You do mouth sex in limo,

and we play radio loud.

All these things happen.

-Just get in sports car.

-Yeah, get in sports car.

(IN AMERICAN ACCENT)

You know, these accents aren't helping.

Yeah, let's just use our real voices

from now on.

Yup.

Hey, honey, check it out.

I got this bag of rocks,

and when that jerk Lewis

from next door comes walking by

on his way home from work,

I'm gonna peg the sh*t out of him.

Well, all right, dear,

whatever you think is best.

(SCREAMS)

-What the hell?

-(LAUGHS) Yeah!

What the...

Martin, what the hell is wrong with you?

-Why did you do that?

-That's for letting your dog

take a dump on my lawn

last week, a**hole.

Jesus! You know, Martin, he who lives in

a glass house shouldn't throw stones.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Well, how about

he who lives in a glass house

with a machine gun turret on the roof?

That's right, man,

he who lives in a glass house

with a f***ing machine gun turret

on the roof

can pretty much throw

all the goddamn stones he wants.

When the hell did you install that?

I got a cousin who just got back from Iraq.

He put this up for me.

Oh, my God.

Hey, let me ask you something.

Why shouldn't he who lives

in a glass house throw stones?

Well, because people can throw stones

back at him and then destroy his house.

Yeah, I guess that makes sense.

I can see why he who lives in a glass house

should be cautious.

You know, except if he who lives

in a glass house

has a f***ing machine gun turret

on the roof!

Well, yeah,

I guess that would be an exception.

Yeah, you know it, shitass. All right, now

I think it's time for you to keep moving.

Are the...

ls the city okay with you having...

(GUN Firing)

(SCREAMING)

Yeah, that's right, man. All your

glass house preconceptions went to sh*t

'cause of the f***ing machine gun turret.

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