Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy Page #4

---

Next time, you're gonna...

-Was it good for you?

-Yes.

Good. You'd better not be pregnant.

Gilbert:
Yes! Baby, that's the spot!

Yes! Yes!

-l was the parrot from Aladdin.

-I'm sorry, Gilbert, I can't do this.

-Why? ls it because of my voice?

-No.

It's because you're like 4'8"

and you always look like somebody just

squirted lemon juice in your eyes.

I have a herniated cornea.

Keep at it, love.

l'll make you orgasm in a jiffy, I will.

Almost. Oh, God. Oh, God, I'm gonna...

(GROANS)

(HORN HONKS)

Sorry I'm late. F***ing traffic on the PCH.

Where's the kid? Where's the f***ing kid?

He's right here.

Great. You better f***ing

hold that kid still.

Whoa ! Whoa ! You're gonna circumcise

my son with that?

Mister, this is

a Hattori Hanzo sword, okay?

There are only like five of them

in the whole f***ing world, okay?

l'd cut my own dick off

with this sword, okay?

Now stand the f*** back.

(BABY CRYING)

Quiet, kid, you sound like Uma Thurman.

"

Holy sh*t, Uma !

That's who the f*** she is, okay?

When Bill killed her husband and

her baby and her whole f***ing family,

he killed her identity, okay?

Maybe pull Ethan Hawke's dick

out of your ear for two seconds,

okay, and listen to what

the f*** I'm saying to you.

Why on earth would they hire Quentin

Tarantino to perform a circumcision?

Jon Stewart was unavailable.

There, all done, okay?

Your kid's a f***ing super Jew, okay?

All right, now who wants the foreskin?

Hey, Quentin. I thought I heard somebody

giving away some foreskin.

May I take it?

Whoa ! Whoa ! Whoa !

Uh-uh. Bro, can't let you in.

What? Why not?

This is Les Deux.

This is a very exclusive club.

-Look, we'll buy drinks.

-No. Sorry, bro.

-Hey, what the hell?

-Yeah, what the hell was that?

-Why'd they get to go in?

-Because they're chicks.

-You got any chicks with you?

-Our wives are at home.

Yeah, this is sort of a boys' night out.

-Well, go party somewhere else, dude.

-What?

I said go party somewhere else.

Hey, what the f*** is your problem, dude?

You. You're my problem. There's no way

I'm letting you in here, a**hole.

This club is for hot, young,

hip party people.

-We're hip.

-No, you're not.

Look at you. You're the most

out-of-date looking douchebags

I've ever seen in my life.

What are those,

f***ing animal skins you're wearing?

Well, look at what you're wearing,

d*ckhead.

Nice wool hat. And sunglasses at night.

-Yeah, that's not too f***ing affected.

-Get out of here.

-Hello, dum-dums.

-Oh, come on!

(Exclaims) Thank you so much for

helping us, Mr. Wizard.

Not at all, my dear child, not at all.

Now what is it you would like, Scarecrow?

-l'd like a brain.

-Well, I think we can arrange that.

-Here it is.

-Jesus! What? ls that a human brain?

Sure is. This was removed from

a hospital patient who died of liver cancer.

He was a donor,

so we really lucked out here.

Now, if you'll just make your way

to the operating room,

our team of surgeons will go ahead

and begin the procedure.

Now, what can I do for you, Tin Man?

-l'd like a heart.

-All right.

(Exclaims)

-Oh, my God!

-Yeah, look at that, eh?

-That's a human heart!

-No, it's not.

This came out of a gibbous monkey.

It was housed in an artificial habitat

at the zoo and turns out

some kid climbed into the pen,

the monkey ripped off both his arms

and started eating them,

so they had to shoot it.

Managed to save the heart, though.

Should be relatively compatible,

very low risk of rejection,

so if you're ready,

the surgeons will get started.

All right, Lion, what is it you'd like?

-l'd like some courage.

-Okay.

(Exclaims)

Yeah, it's a beauty, isn't it?

Wholly undamaged,

surgically extracted human spine.

You'll be courageous as hell

with this thing inside you.

All set?

Well, what about me, Mr. Wizard?

Can you get me back to Kansas?

No, that's gonna be a tall order. But what

I can do is make Oz more like Kansas.

I've abolished all scientific research

of any kind,

instituted mandatory Bible study

and church service attendance

seven days a week, forbidden the teaching

of evolution in public schools,

and here's a baseball bat

for you to beat this gay guy.

Hi, there. Well, go on, get to it.

I'm not gonna beat myself.

Or maybe I am. Welcome to Oz, b*tch!

Dad, today at school, my teacher said

we evolved from other animals.

-That's not true, is it?

-Of course not, Steven.

We were created by Monkey God

in his monkey image.

But how do we know for sure

God's a monkey?

Well, do you think God throws

his own poop

-and enjoys jumping up and down in place?

-Yeah.

And do you think when he's eating

bananas, he periodically stops chewing

and looks around with an angry expression

to make sure

-no one's plotting to steal them?

-Yeah.

And do you think his ass is slightly

less hairy than the rest of his body?

-Yeah.

-Then there's your answer, champ.

Okay, but how do we know

God really loves us?

Because his son died for our sins.

Monkey Jesus could've ripped off

the Romans' arms

and masturbated all over their bodies,

but he chose love instead.

And I think that makes him

pretty darn special.

Cool. Thanks, Dad.

-How's our son doing?

-He's gonna be okay, Paula.

He's gonna be okay.

That's it!

I can't live like this anymore, Jim.

You keep putting up walls between us.

I mean, why, Jim? Why do you do that?

Okay, still have nothing to say?

Here we go, Jim's famous silent treatment.

Well, you know what?

I'm not gonna put up with it anymore.

I am done! And another thing,

don't offer me an apple unless you have

an actual physical apple in your hand.

F*** you, Jim ! I'm leaving!

Hey, baby. Sorry I'm late.

-Wow, that was...

-Dirty?

-Yes.

-Degrading?

-Yeah.

-And did you like the spitting

-and the name calling?

-Actually, I did.

So, can I count on your vote

this November?

Yes. Yes, you can.

(GROANING)

Yes!

(GROANING LOUDLY)

Yes! Oh, God. Oh, God!

(Sighs)

Do you have any Gatorade?

(MAN GRUNTING)

Yeah! Yeah! Who's your daddy?

-You are, dumbass.

-You're grounded.

-Oh. You're...

-Yeah, I've got an early meeting tomorrow.

-Okay.

-l'll call you.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Bye.

Great show, Mr. Dylan.

(MUMBLING)

Mr. Dylan, Tom Waits is here to see you.

(ALL MUMBLING)

(MUMBLING)

(BARRY Exclaiming)

(MELODIC SCREAMING)

Health officials have reported a new

outbreak of Mad Cow Disease

which has surfaced within

the past four days,

prompting a massive recall on all

beef products for the entire area.

Mad Cow Disease occurs as a result

of cattle farmers

using beef products to round out

their cows' food.

Consumption by cattle of beef products

causes an imbalance in body chemistry

which causes them to, in effect, go insane.

Well, sh*t.

Don't go into that spaceship,

you stupid bastards.

Ricardo Montalban's in there,

and he's got little bugs,

and he's gonna put the bugs in your ears,

and you're gonna go crazy.

Don't be stupid, you...

There's Ricardo Montalban with his bugs!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes