Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy Page #5

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You see, he's putting the bugs in

your ears, and you're gonna go crazy,

and you got no one to blame but yourself.

'Cause you're not using your brain.

Truman, how stupid can you be?

They're filming you.

They're totally filming you,

and you don't even know about it.

There's cameras all over the place.

There's cameras in your house

and cameras in your car,

and there's even a camera in your shitter.

In your shitter, for the love of God!

You'd notice the cameras

if you were using your brain,

but you're not using your brain.

Don't open the box, you stupid Germans.

You know the ghosts are gonna fly out

of there and melt your faces off.

Don't... I told you not to do it,

and you did it!

Oh! Look at you. Your faces are all

melting off, just like I said.

You're not using your brains,

and now they're melted.

Andy, don't go down into

the laundry room by yourself.

You know those other guys

are down there waiting for you,

and they're gonna rape you in your bum.

Get out of there, otherwise...

There they are.

Now they're gonna rape you. See,

that's why I told you to get out of there.

Look at you, getting raped in your bum.

Your bum's gonna be sore now.

You're not using your brain.

-(SINGING) My galhas got two eyes of blue

-My galhas got two eyes of blue

-And curls of brown

-And curls of brown

-She always makes me smile

-She always makes me smile

-When lam feeling down

-When lam feeling down

-Whenever lam with her

-Whenever lam with her

-I just grin like a clown

-I just grin like a clown

-'Cause my gal's p*ssy

-'Cause my gal's p*ssy

-Is the smallest in town

-Is the smallest in town

-She's like a beauty queen

-She's like a beauty queen

-Who wears a shiny crown

-Who wears a shiny crown

-And anytime she sees that

-And anytime she sees that

-I am starting to frown

-I am starting to frown

-She's always got the thing

-She's always got the thing

-To turn it upside down

-To turn it upside down

-'Cause my gal's p*ssy

-'Cause my gal's p*ssy

-Is the smallest in town

-Is the smallest in town

She's got a face without a trace of gloom

I guarantee it

Her muff is sweet and so petite

You have to squint your eyes to see it

-I'm such a happy fellow

-I'm such a happy fellow

-When she comes around

-When she comes around

-She's always got a kiss

-She's always got a kiss

-When lam feeling down

-When lam feeling down

-I wouldn't trade her in

-I wouldn't trade her in

-For any wealth or renown

-For any wealth or renown

-'Cause my gal's p*ssy

-'Cause my gal's p*ssy

-Is the smallest in town

-Is the smallest in town

-Smallbush

-Smallbush

Hey, beaver,

what the hell are you doing to my river?

l'll die with that thing there.

Yeah. And l'll die without

a sweet-ass bachelor pad on the water.

Deal with it, broham.

Hey, beaver, did you eat this tree?

There was a knot right here

with my nest in it.

Yeah. I used that wood

for my steam room.

Now I get to rub my nuts

all over your house, biatch.

Hey, did you borrow my DVD

of The Departed?

-'Cause it's all scratched now.

-Hey, I did you a favor, man.

Want to see a good movie?

Try Rush Hour 3.

Chris Tucker f***ing cracks my sh*t up.

-God! Can you believe this guy? What a...

-A vagina.

Yeah, a vagina.

From now on, beaver means vagina.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

And that is the origin of the term.

Join me next week when l'll tell you

how the bear became synonymous

with the chubby homosexual.

It's nice to meet you, Abby.

What brings you here?

This is kind of hard to talk about.

I've never even said it out loud before,

-but I'm bulimic.

-l see.

l'll just binge like crazy,

just stuffing my face.

A steak burrito, a stack of pancakes,

a loaf of French bread with mayonnaise,

garbage bag full of popcorn,

a ham sandwich with marshmallow fluff,

-and crushed-up Doritos.

-Mmm-hmm.

And then after I'm done, I just feel terrible

and disgusting and ugly, so l...

-You purge?

-What?

-What's "

No, I cry. Why would I throw up?

Well, that's what bulimia is.

You binge and then you purge.

Yeah, I don't throw up. That's really gross.

Okay, well,

then l'd have to say you're not bulimic.

Really? God, that is such a relief.

-So, I'm just...

-Fat.

Fat? Okay. Great.

(LAUGHING) God! I was so worried.

You are a really good psychiatrist.

Wow! I mean, I don't know

if this is appropriate, but would you

maybe like to go out sometime? Or...

No, thanks. I don't date fat chicks. Sorry.

-That's okay.

-Good.

You poor crippled man.

How did this unfortunate fate befall you?

I was injured while building a house

for my family.

You pitiable fellow.

If only there was some help for you.

(GASPS)

The messiah will help you. O Lord Jesus,

will you heal this man's wound?

Oh, man, l'll tell you what, somebody

ought to heal this acid reflux, man.

This sh*t is f***ing up my day.

O Lord, won't you please

perform a miracle for this man?

You know what would be a miracle?

If I could go back in time three hours

and say to myself,

"

I guess that's not gonna happen, huh?

He will surely die without you, O Lord.

Yeah, before that, I gotta ask, does

anybody have any Pepcid or anything,

so I can settle this f***ing cauldron

of sh*t in my stomach?

I swear to God,

l'd give everything I have right now

just for a goddamned powerhouse round

of diarrhea.

ls there no hope for this poor man?

Won't you give him your healing touch?

l'll give him something better, advice.

Don't mix Pete's Wicked Ale

with A1 Sauce,

unless you want a f***ing gastrointestinal

showstopper playing out in your gut.

Sh*t, man. I envy you

for not having to deal with this right now.

He's dead! If only we could've saved him.

l'll tell you this, he's better off that way.

'Cause if he was alive,

there'd be a chance that he could someday

walk into Jared's Rib House,

order the onion fries and hot wings,

wash them down with a few beers,

and then watch the f***ing

Buttcracker Suite put on in the toilet.

Christ! I am never eating again.

Mmm-mmm.

Thank you, Count Dracula.

That was delicious.

I'm glad you enjoyed it, Magic.

Because from now on,

you'll have little appetite for mortal food.

(SCREAMS)

(EVIL LAUGHTER)

You don't follow the news very much,

do you?

No, not really. Why?

(SNEEZES)

-All right, here are the beads.

-Thank you.

And if you'll just sign this document

giving us all of Manhattan...

(Sniffing)

Wait a minute.

Have these been in your ass?

What? No. They're just ordinary beads.

-You know, like you asked for.

-Hey, smell these.

Oh, yeah, these have definitely

been in the butt.

Sorry, deal's off.

You're gonna have to find something else.

Wow, okay.

Still don't know what you're talking about,

but will you take a gerbil?

So, let me get this straight.

Your defense is that you shot the sheriff,

but you did not shoot the deputy.

-Yeah.

-But you did shoot the sheriff?

-Yeah.

-And you're admitting that?

Yeah.

We don't need to get him on the deputy.

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