Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy Page #6

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If we prove he killed the sheriff,

that's a life sentence right there.

Yeah. I'm not sure

why he's defending himself on murder

by confessing

to a completely different murder.

I have this weird hunch he might be high.

JESUS:
Oh, sh*t, look at that one.

They must've spent like 5,000 bucks

on all those decorations.

-Hey, Vishnu.

-What?

Where are all the decorations

for your birthday?

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

-Very funny.

-No, no, seriously. Where are they?

'Cause I see like every house in America

has decorations up for my birthday,

but nothing for yours.

Maybe they have some in India.

Nope, nothing there. Just some guy

wiping his ass with his hand.

(Sighs)

Nah, but seriously, dude, happy birthday.

-l am the Ghost of Christmas Past.

-What the f***?

No, wrong house! Wrong house!

-What is this? This is great.

-It's ghost.

-l killed it myself.

-It's really juicy.

Yeah. l'll give you some ghost jerky

to take home.

MAN 1 :
Terrific.

MAN 2:
Looking forward to that.

-Ted, this has been great.

-You're welcome.

No way, Vince. We cannot do that.

There's no way we can do that.

Actually, Vince,

it turns out we can do that.

Cool.

-Hey, it's Tara Reid.

-Wow, Tara, you're so beautiful.

And I really love the way

your stomach looks.

Hey, thanks, guys.

-Let's try some role playing.

-Okay.

l'll be Judd Hirsch.

I'm glad we saw National Treasure 2.

I know. It answered every single question

I had after seeing National Treasure 1.

Can you help me? l'd like to buy an iPod.

You know what's way better than an iPod?

A Zune.

You know, Joe Pantoliano is also quite

gifted at playing non-Italians.

College sucks!

I never should have had that abortion.

I mean, just think. Right now

you could be home with a baby.

I mean, how much cooler would that be?

You know what's really interesting?

You talking about your zodiac sign.

-Hey, can I help you?

-Yeah.

I'm looking to buy some new,

interesting music.

You know,

you should check out Hilary Duff.

No, dude. The reason everyone

respects you so much

is because you have a pet snake.

Want to know why I joined

the College Republicans?

-The p*ssy.

-l hear you, bro.

I'm getting seven kinds of laid.

Wow! That really busted

all my preconceptions

of West Virginians as inbred morons.

I know.

We met such diverse, intelligent people.

And very few of them breathed exclusively

through their mouths.

-How's my favorite nephew?

-Real good. Just getting a beer.

Mitch, can I just say

how much I adore Janine?

Yeah, she's great. Actually,

we just had our one-year anniversary.

Ooh! How nice!

Did you do anything fun to celebrate?

No. We kept it pretty low-key.

-l took her over to Spinelli's.

-Ooh! How lovely.

Yeah. Then we pretty much

just went home.

And I think I told you how Janine and l

saved a piece of our wedding cake

in the freezer.

-Oh! I like that. That's a cute idea.

-Yeah.

You know, it's kind of cheesy,

but, you know, it's fun.

And we put our own little twist on it.

I took the piece of cake,

and then just shoved the f***er way up

into her p*ssy.

I mean, like way up there. I'm talking like,

if I was wearing a watch, it's gone.

And then I just start f***ing her,

you know?

Just like super f***ing her, like that.

Just pounded the f***ing cake

the f*** up in her, you know?

-Oh, my.

-Yeah. And then...

And you're gonna love this.

I take my dick out,

and I make her lick the cake off my dick.

All of it.

And then I gave her a little homemade

f***ing icing, if you know what I mean.

Say, Aunt Helen, why do you always wear

that stupid scarf on your head?

-l have cancer.

-Still?

Boy, that's got to be

a f***ing shitty deal, huh?

You know,

I just don't think this is that funny.

I was just gonna say, neither do l.

It's just not funny.

I'm just kind of sitting here, stone-faced,

watching things

that I know I'm supposed to be laughing at.

I agree. I don't think De Niro is that good,

I don't think Teri Polo is that good.

I'm finding myself really put off

by Ben Stiller.

Really put off, he's doing nothing for me.

The whole thing feels

very mainstream innocuous, you know?

There's nothing unexpected

about the jokes.

-It's very predictable.

-Very. I just... I don't care for it.

-Neither do l.

-l don't think we should watch the rest.

I don't either. I don't really care

what happens to these characters.

-Let's shut it off.

-l agree.

That's much better.

Hi, I'm Jeff Goldblum.

Guess what I'm selling?

Wrong again. Jeff Goldblum Wafers.

The only cracker that talks

when you put it in your mouth.

Now, each cracker looks like

a tiny Jeff Goldblum,

and it makes scintillating conversation.

ls that Brie? Oh, I love Brie.

I once dated a girl named Brie.

She was... She was very lithe.

(LAUGHING) You're...

You're eating me. That tickles.

Your mouth smells like black licorice.

You know, the twisty kind?

Now before you swallow,

did you see No Country for Old Men?

It was stunningly bleak, darkly intimate,

and most of all, human.

Now, you see, you won't hear a Triscuit

make that kind of conversation.

Although they are crisp,

l'll have to give them that.

They're very crispy. Where was l?

Oh, yes, buy Jeff Goldblum Wafers.

Or don't, but I would prefer it if you did.

Although, let' face it,

one can't always get what one desires.

Still, that's no reason not to try. Yes, yes.

(BLEATING)

All right, everybody. It's shearing time.

First, I'm first. Shear me.

I'm ready to be sheared.

-Look, I don't wanna do this...

-No, no, no, it's cool, man. It's cool.

-It's all good.

-You're not gonna do that thing...

No, I'm not gonna do that thing.

It's fine. It's fine.

-All right.

-Cool.

Yeah. Yeah, that's good.

Yeah, yeah, shear it. F***ing shear me.

F***ing shear that goddamned sh*t off me.

F*** yeah.

I thought you said

you weren't gonna be doing that sh*t.

I am, I am. I'm just doing a bit.

I'm just doing a bit. That's all.

It's all good, all right?

Okay, just go. Do it. Do it.

Oh, yeah. F***.

F***ing shear my ass, b*tch.

Yeah, make me naked.

Make me a naked f***ing skin sheep.

Yeah, run that thing all over my ass.

F***, yeah!

-Okay, I'm not doing this.

-What? Come on, dude.

-What's your problem?

-No, I'm not going to do it.

-You're freaking me out.

-You can't stop. You're like halfway done.

-l don't care.

-You can't leave me halfway sheared.

-Shorn.

-Halfway shorn, you can't do that.

Come on, dude. Don't be a douche.

-Okay, fine. But I swear to God, if you...

-It's... I won't... I promise. Relax.

-It's all good now. It's all good. All right?

-All right.

Oh, f***! Oh, my God. F***, yeah.

F***ing shear me the f*** up.

Oh, yeah, I'm so f***ing hard right now.

Sh*t.

Got a big, f***ing, cotton boner.

F*** me with that thing.

F***ing, f***ing shear my a**hole.

Shear around my f***ing a**hole.

Shove that f***ing thing up my ass,

stick it up my ass immediately!

Stick me up the ass with it!

-Shear me up the ass! Do it!

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