Cellular Page #5

KLINGER:

Enough! You're not going

anywhere!

Klinger makes a wild grab for the phone. Theo reaches back

and whacks him across the face. Hard.

THEO:

I don't like anybody laying their

hands on me.

KLINGER:

Just like they say; no f***ing

self control.

THEO:

If you know that just back off.

KLINGER:

Sh*t. There's the hotel. You

overshot the driveway.

THEO:

And stop with the directions.

KLINGER:

Make a "U" and go back.

THEO:

That's illegal. You want us

pulled over? I'll turn around at

the corner if you'll shut the f***

up.

KLINGER:

You're doing all the talk.

CAITLIN:

Will you two cut it out?

THEO:

(into cellular)

This Mercedes of yours, what's it

look like?

LENORE:

A 600S black. I feel like such a

fool. I don't even know the

license number. We have four

cars.

Klinger is talking while Lenore is speaking. They overlap.

KLINGER:

We still gotta run the drill

before we walk in that lobby.

THEO:

Go ahead then. I'm covering the

receiver. She can't hear.

KLINGER:

First off, this Mr. Chow Yen

doesn't speak a lot of English.

The girl with him will interpret.

There will be a third person to

accompany you into the men's room

where you can take count. I hope

you know Krugerands better than

they know a Hockney.

THEO:

I improved on the f***ing

original.

KLINGER:

Let's hope so. Once you come out

and okay everything I'll give

Caitlin the sign that she can

bring the painting on over.

THEO:

It's rolled up in the tube on the

floor back there.

They have turned around and pulled into the hotel's circular

driveway.

LENORE:

Why isn't anyone answering me?

THEO:

Just hang on. I've got a life of

my own.

CAITLIN:

What if they do question the

authenticity?

KLINGER:

Oh. Seems yours girlfriend is

casting doubts on your expertise.

CAITLIN:

I am not! F*** you! Theo's a

genius.

KLINGER:

Any trouble, we whip out our

Treasury Department badges -- show

them the wire I'm wearing and read

them their rights. Theo seizes

the Krugerands as evidence.

Naturally they start negotiating.

Offer to give us up somebody else.

And we listen. Take notes on who

bought what stolen art and tell

them we have to clear it with our

superiors at Justice. We pick up

their passports -- escort them to

their room and leave them all in

the bathroom handcuffed to the

plumbing.

LENORE (V.O.)

Will you please speak to me!

Theo?

THEO:

Another minute.

KLINGER:

Got your badge?

THEO:

(pulling out folder

with fake Treasury

Dept. badge)

Satisfied, Wiseass?

KLINGER:

In any event, whatever occurs you

do not belt anybody.

THEO:

What do you keep making me out to

be?

Theo spots a pay phone kiosk near the hotel.

THEO:

(into phone)

Okay, okay, Lenore, calm down.

Either let me call the school or

better yet, the F.B.I.

KLINGER:

Sure -- and they record your

voice. And later on we all get

slammed for kidnap and murder.

That's out!

A parking valet rushes up.

VALET:

Checking in?

KLINGER:

Here for lunch.

(hands over a five

dollar bill)

Leave it close by.

VALET:

No problem. It'll be in that

loading zone.

KLINGER:

Step out of the car, Theo.

CAITLIN:

He's right, Theo. She might not

be around to back up your story.

You could end up in the middle of

this.

THEO:

Look -- I've got the lives of

maybe three innocent people

hanging on the end of this line.

KLINGER:

Well, I don't know any innocent

people and I don't give a sh*t.

VALET:

Excuse me but you're blocking our

driveway. I've got to move the

vehicle.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes