Chain of Fools

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I hadn't planned on becoming a hero

when I walked onto that bridge...

...but this is a story

about how none of my plans work out.

And how, really, that's a good thing.

This whole mess started yesterday

when Avnet came into my shop.

- You open?

- Yeah, I'm open.

Doesn't seem like it.

Haircut? I need a haircut.

Haircut, yeah.

What kind of haircut would you like?

A quick haircut. I have stuff I have to do.

Just like that is fine. See that?

- Would you like a magazine to look at?

- Yeah.

Golden.

"Cops Out of Uniform"?

I hope none of these pages

are stuck together.

I turned right to it.

Where's our...

There she is.

Baby.

I'd do this...

I'd make a rubby, I'd make a spanky...

She could strip-search me,

but she's still a f***ing cop.

- This weather is really something, isn't it?

- Hey, no small talk.

Did you hear about those coins

that were stolen from the museum...

...Shiny New Enemies?

What did they say?

Sounds like professionals?

The paper said that it was kind of botched.

The robbers almost got caught.

Can we please stick to the haircut?

Hey, look, a customer.

Must be your lucky day.

Karen, hi.

I thought I told you

not to use the back door.

Whatever. I have a little favor to ask you.

I need someone to take care of my affairs.

I'm going out of town.

Pick up the paper, water my plants,

walk and feed my precious little Dave.

You being my ex-husband,

I thought you would be the logical choice.

Karen, I'm not your ex-husband.

I'm still your husband.

We're just separated.

I took care of that problem.

I filed for divorce this morning.

Divorce?

What did you do? I'm bleeding.

I'm technically bleeding.

- Here.

- What's your f***ing problem?

Look at this.

I'm sorry,

my wife is in the process of leaving me...

Your ex-wife.

I'm scarred for life. Look at that.

It's just a scratch. You'd be surprised

how resilient ears can be.

Just keep the pressure on. I'm sorry.

- Can we talk about this in private, please?

- Do we have to?

- What happened to the hair?

- Don't worry, this won't take long.

Nothing with Kresk ever does.

Barber?

I'm going to make a phone call

with my good ear...

...but be back by the time I'm done. Go!

Bollingsworth, Avnet here.

Will you put the scissors down?

You're making me nervous.

Divorce? It sounds so...

...final. Can we at least talk about this?

What's the point? I'm really sick of you.

It puts a damper on our relationship.

But what about the reconciliation

that our counselor was talking about?

F*** reconciliation.

It might interest you to know

I'm going to Italy with our counselor.

You're sleeping with Dr. Kenny?

I like to think of it as therapy.

Here.

Dave needs one of these pills twice a day

or he will bloat up and die.

And, Kresk, try not to f*** this up. Ciao.

Dr. Kenny?

I'll mail the letter, go back to my place

and get those Shiny New Enemies.

Then I'm going to surprise my lady

with the good news.

Then we're going to France to see

how the European papers cover your trial.

Goodbye, Bollingsworth, old man.

You little eavesdropper.

What?

I see what you're doing. You're listening.

I didn't hear anything about those...

Wow, this isn't your lucky day, barber.

Your wife is leaving you and...

...I'm killing you.

I'm not going to tell anybody.

I know that, but I must tell you one thing

before I kill you.

I've never met a worse barber in my life.

By killing you,

I'm doing "barberism" a huge favor.

It's just a scratch.

911, what's your emergency?

Hello? Hello?

Wait.

I'm really sorry

about the scissors-in-the-neck thing.

A**hole.

Don't!

Are you okay?

Don't touch him! Don't.

I should've called an ambulance,

or called the cops.

I should've done a lot of things...

...but I couldn't stop thinking

about the Shiny New Enemies.

I turned to my oldest friend, Andy Brower...

...a guy who had the skills

to handle a situation like this.

- Why do I need that?

- It's a Timber Scout's best friend.

Why do you think they call it an ax?

- Think about it.

- Hey, Andy.

Kresk, long time no see.

Finally relenting?

Relenting?

Finally come to ask me

to take you on a trip.

You're in luck.

Next weekend, I'm going down the lakes

to spy some Ringrobin Sapstrongers.

It's their mating season.

That sounds like fun.

But, actually,

I came in here to ask you a favor.

Whatever it is, can do. Timber Scout.

This is a pretty big favor.

Hang on a second.

- What do you think you're doing?

- I'm trying to tie a box knot.

Yeah?

Does this look like a box knot to you?

- No.

- Damn right it doesn't!

What if you're in the woods

and there's a bear and it's dark...

...and you're about to be eaten...

...and you need to tie a box knot

with your trembling little baby hands...

...to save your sorry ass,

but you can't do it?

Because you're a wuss.

You're a wom, all right? You are a puss!

You're a drossy little girl!

Know what?

You don't deserve any of these patches.

Unless they're for crying. Give me!

Get out of here!

Kids today.

They can't even learn the simplest things.

What was that favor about?

You killed him with a hair dryer?

Yeah, it appears so.

The way to use the resources

you had handy.

Okay, what we need to do now

is get rid of the body.

Right. All right. Good idea. Okay.

I know a deserted place down by the river.

All right. Here we are.

Here's the perfect place

to drop this commie piece of sh*t.

Wait. I thought you said

that nobody would be here.

Don't worry.

We'll wait for a lull in the joggers...

...then carry him to the water.

Okay, okay.

This is insane, but okay.

Put his foot on your foot.

Good. Just act natural.

He's walking.

Andy, this place is no good.

Okay, so maybe I haven't earned

my body dumping badge yet.

Any suggestions where we can dump

your body that's vacant and available?

Get him in!

Don't, Dave!

It was the perfect plan.

Store the body at Karen's

for the time being, and feed the dog.

- Let's get out of here.

- Wait, I have to feed the dog.

Come on! I'm going to give you your pill.

A lot of people think wine coolers

are a lady's drink.

Come here, Dave.

...just as messed up as beer does.

Bad!

- They're great to take on camping trips.

- Dave, where's my ring?

Plus, the vitamin C content is...

What are you doing?

I was just checking to see

if our new friend...

..."Zachary Seymour Avnet"...

...had any cash to donate

to the Andy Brower fund.

Come on. Don't. Put it back.

I didn't find any cash, but I did find this.

Look.

He's a card-carrying member

of the John Birch Society.

I don't know if you're familiar

with their philosophy.

This man did not come into your shop

and yell communist slogans.

It's about time

you start telling Andy Brower the truth.

Okay, Andy.

I'm sorry. I was going to save this

as a surprise, but...

...you and I are about to become

very rich men.

- What do you mean?

- Just grab his keys. Come on.

I hadn't intended on dragging Andy

into this mess, but...

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