Charlie & Boots Page #2

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Here, pick a bed, Dad. I'm just

going to go in the big action room.

Bloody hell, Dad.

There's a lot of mirrors in here.

(CHUCKLES) Look at that. There's even

one on the back of the door.

Gee whiz! I could do with

losing a few kilos, just quietly.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Dad?

Dad?

Dad... Oh, sh*t.

CHARLIE:
Oi!

Where you off to?

You know, I honestly thought you'd left.

On that bus.

Yeah, well, I thought about it,

but it was only the courtesy bus

for the country club.

And, of course,

you never packed me clubs.

Oh, did something die in here?

Shouldn't have eaten

all them strawberries.

CHARLIE:
Eugh.

(SIGHS)

(BOOTS SNORES)

(BOOTS SNUFFLES)

(BOOTS RESUMES SNORING)

Good morning. Breakfast.

"Sun, stars, steam

and Murray River magic."

- What's your problem?

- PS 'Emmylou'. Paddle steamer.

CHARLIE:
Ah. Yeah, well,

let me know how it goes.

Come on, Dad.

I thought we could go on it.

CHARLIE:
Paddle steamer -

you get on it, it goes up the river,

it turns around, comes back down again.

What's the point?

BOOTS:
Why are you

being so difficult?

CHARLIE:
I'm not being difficult.

I'm saying that if you

want to go on it, go on it.

I just don't go in

for that touristy stuff.

- Oi!

- (TYRES SCREECH)

Hang on! It's a Holden museum!

Kids, who can tell me

the first Holden model

made with a left-hand drive?

The FB.

MAN:
Thank you, sir,

but I was asking the kids.

- Ah! Paddle steamer.

- (STEAM WHISTLE HOOTS)

Looks like fun.

CHARLIE:
Ah! New South Wales.

Across the border.

- BOOTS:
Can you drive for a bit?

- CHARLIE:
No.

BOOTS:
Why do I have to

do all the driving?

CHARLIE:
You don't have to.

BOOTS:
Alright, if I drive

for the next two hours,

then will you drive?

- CHARLIE:
No.

- BOOTS:
I'm still hungry.

(WOMAN SHOUTS)

MAN:
Come on!

(DOG BARKS)

(SHEEP BLEAT)

I don't mind sheep.

Really? I didn't know that.

Oh, yeah. Came up here once

when I was a young'un.

Worked for a month or two

on a place called Frome Downs.

We had cattle and sheep.

Would've stayed longer if I could've.

BOOTS:
Why didn't you?

CHARLIE:
Oh, well,

we had the family farm

and, you know, I couldn't turn

my back on that, you know?

And I didn't want to let my father down.

And, of course, I met your mum.

BOOTS:
"Hay. Population 2, 932.

"Hay's in the Southern Riverina

of New South Wales

"in a semiarid grazing area

known as the Hay Plains."

You're not gonna stop this, are you?

It's Australia, Dad. It's fascinating.

I can shut up if you want me to.

BOOTS:
Hey, look at this.

It was also home to 3,000 POWs

during the Second World War...

- Oh, sh*t! Look out!

- (TYRES SCREECH)

BOOTS:
Hang on, hang on!

(BEEPS HORN)

CHARLIE:
What, is she a stunt driver?

God! Bloody clown!

(CHARLIE BEEPS HORN

REPEATEDLY)

- Hey, Dad, Dad...

- Learn to drive, you d*ckhead!

Dad, just relax. We're OK.

- CHARLIE:
Could've been killed.

- Killed!

- Truck full of white leghorns.

- Yep, we're OK, Dad.

Tell her to get some driving lessons.

Yeah, I will.

Sorry. It's OK. You just kinda

cut us off a little bit over there.

Did l?

Really?

Tell her...tell her to get some glasses!

You need glasses

to see where you're going!

BOOTS:
Sorry. My dad,

he's not himself at the moment.

He's...a little bit...

..kinda hung up, that's all.

Yeah, it's the shock from the accident.

Dad, just shut up.

Whole life rushed before me eyes.

Ehh...

It was pretty boring.

What is it with you Victorians?

MAN:
Everything alright, Edna?

Yeah. I can handle this.

(TRUCK DRIVER TOOTS HORN)

You're just lucky you're not a bloke.

He'd have knocked your block off.

For f***'s sake Dad, just shut up!

Just...

We should...

We should keep moving, so, um...

Yeah. I think perhaps

you should keep moving.

You should take that old man with you.

Get some driving lessons off the nuns.

Clown.

(STARTS ENGINE)

- Man, you're something else.

- What?

You should get some L-plates.

Hang 'em round your neck.

- What is wrong with you?

- What?

(SIGHS)

(KOOKABURRA CACKLES)

(KOOKABURRA CACKLES)

Hello.

Hi.

(TALKBACK RADIO PLAYS SOFTLY)

WOMAN:
(ON RADIO) I have no doubt.

I know he's very nervous.

- (BOOTS YAWNS)

- MAN:
(ON RADIO) Thanks. Robin.

You're with Ryan Miles

on ABC local radio.

After Prince Charles's

embarrassing gaffe on the weekend.

we're discussing

your most embarrassing moments.

Deirdre. you had a confession

over wetting the...

(TURNS OFF ENGINE)

Just filling up, Dad.

Get me a sarsaparilla, will you, Boots?

Yeah.

RYAN MILES:
(ON RADIO, LAUGHS)

Oh. Deirdre. that's terrible.

But I must say you were brilliant

blaming it on the cat.

DEIRDRE:
I know. The poor thing.

RYAN:
Well. next we have

a Charlie on the line.

CHARLIE:
(ON RADIO) Yeah. g'day.

Yeah. this one's about my son.

Let's call him...Slippers. Yep.

Now. one day when he was about 14.

I come in early from the milkin'.

I opened the door and...

(LAUGHS).. there he was.

Yeah. buffin' the bazooka.

RYAN:
I'm sorry?

Chokin' the goose.

RYAN:
Oh. well. um...

thanks for that. Charlie.

CHARLIE:
Hammering the hamster.

some might say.

RYAN:
Yes...yes. thanks. Charlie.

I think we've got it.

CHARLIE:
Oh. you couldn't miss it.

The kid's hung like a draught horse.

RYAN:
(AWKWARDLY) Thank you.

CHARLIE:
Well, this is interesting.

I'm not talking to you.

"The yellow-rumped pardalote,

a rare bird indeed,

"can occasionally be spotted

foraging in this area."

(YELLS) Pig!

What?

That was a bit rough.

- I was just...

- Pig!

BOOTS:
Arggh!

(BOOTS CURSES AND YELLS)

CHARLIE:
Ahh, brake! Jesus!

CHARLIE:
Oh!

Whoa.

(RATTLING)

Thanks for stopping.

I've been out here for ages.

Thought I was gonna be

out there all night.

BOOTS:
No worries.

Where are you headed?

To, uh, Cape York. To go fishing.

Is that anywhere near Tamworth?

Well, Tamworth's on the way.

Cape York's on

the very northern tip of Australia.

Oh, cool.

(STARTS ENGINE)

CHARLIE:

So, how did you end up out here?

My boyfriend was taking me

to Tamworth. I'm a singer.

And he cracked it and kicked me out.

He's a real arsehole.

Why did he do that?

Um, he wanted me to do things to him

I didn't want to. And I told him so.

And he begged, and I said no,

and he begged some more

and then he kicked me out. (CHUCKLES)

Yep, sounds like an arsehole to me.

So, how far's this Cape York?

It's about 2,500 k's.

When I was young,

Dad promised we'd do it one day

so we're doing it now.

That's so great. I'm Jess.

I'm Charlie. And this is Boots.

How you goin'?

Charlie and Boots.

CHARLIE:
Pretty cool, eh?

(LAUGHS)

Oh, well, he's out.

He's so cute.

(CHUCKLES) I suppose.

Do you love him?

Well, yeah, he's my dad.

I mean, we've had

our ups and downs but, uh...

..I don't know,

he's kind of all I've got now.

Well, there's my brother, but...

Your mum?

No, she...she died last month.

JESS:
That must be awful.

I don't know what I'd do if my mum died.

I never got to meet my dad.

JESS:
You're not married?

BOOTS:
Oh, I was.

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