Chasing Amy

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INT. COMIC BOOK STORE - DAY

A pile of COMIC BOOKS are on a shelf next to myriad

others. The most prominent one is called .BLUNTMAN AND

CHRONIC'. A hand reaches in and pulls one out of frame.

HOLDEN opens the comic and flips through it He shakes his

head. BANKY looks over his shoulder.

BANKY:

Felt Like this f***ing day would never

come. Issue two - on the shelf.

HOLDEN:

Yippee.

BANKY:

Don't start, alright! This is a cool

moment, and I'd appreciate you not

trying to ruin it. How often does

a guy get the opportunity to purchase

something with his name on it!

(points to name on cover)

Banky Edwards- right!

(points to the other)

Holden McNeil.

HOLDEN:

I know my name.

BANKY:

C'mon, sour puss. We got the rest of

our lives to be artists. But it's

supply and demand. And right now,

the unwashed masses demand this.

HOLDEN:

(off comic)

This is easy, alright! And right now

it pays the bills. Just don't forget

that we're better than this.

BANKY:

I'll tell you who we're better than:

these two fags right here.

They approach the counter, where STEVE-DAVE, the store

manager, and WALT the Fan-boy, play a card game.

BANKY:

(lays books on the counter)

Alright Old-Maid's - take a break from

the Crazy-8's marathon and ring us up.

STEVE-DAVE

(not looking up)

Well, well,well, Walt Did you see who

it is! The local celebrities. Quick -

get them to autograph one of their

books so we can sell it for triple

it's value.

WALT:

I'm not that in need of fifteen cents

right now.

They snicker and high-five one another. Holden rolls his

eyes.

BANKY:

You guys operate the smallest, ladies'

bridge circle I've ever seen.

WALT:

For your information, we're playing

.Crimson Mystical Mages' - an

overpower card game. Not that either

of you would give a sh*t about

something as advancedas this -

there are no dick or poopie jokes

involved.

BANKY:

(to Holden)

I don't think they're fans.

WALT:

No, we're not. You're both a couple

of f***ing no talents that got lucky.

STEVE-DAVE

And obviously your handlers or hangers-

on convinced you that your first comic

was good which it was not it was

thoroughly mediocre with a few spiky

bits of dialogue. And when you get

your foot in the door of the business,

what do you do! You turn out a piece

of sh*t like .Bluntman and Chronic'.

WALT:

Tell him, Steve-Dave.

STEVE-DAVE

(off comic)

.Bluntman and Chronic'. Pah.

What was that thing the little stoner

pulled on the villain in the last

issue!

WALT:

The Stinky-palm.

STEVE-DAVE

Stinky-palm. You give comics a bad

name I tell all my customers not to

buy it, to spend their money on a real

comic book.

WALT:

F***ing one hit wonder, dime-store

Frank Miller's.

STEVE-DAVE

This is the reality at Comic-Toast -

you're not going to get your ass

kissed here, because both me and Walt

think you suck.

WALT:

And me.

STEVE-DAVE

I said that.

Steve-Dave offers the boys his two middle fingers, then

goes back to playing his game with Walt. Holden and

Banky stare, shocked. Banky nudges Holden and they both

exit Steve-Dave and the Fan-boy slap hands and go back to

playing.

WALT:

I've got a dragon card - forty power-

ups and twelve life points! Ha! I

get your elf card!

STEVE-DAVE

You're such a b*tch! But thankfully,

I've saved a dark forces Shaman card

for just such an occasion.

WALT:

You suck! Eighty six life-power

points to my twenty two!

STEVE-DAVE

I schooled their asses, now I'm

schooling your's.

Suddenly. A trash can crashes through the front window.

Steve-Dave and Walt hit the deck like b*tches, covering

one another. They look up slowly. Steve-Dave leaps to

his feet and looks at the shattered mess. He pulls

something off the garbage can and reads it.

WALT:

You know it was those two fucks!

Let's call the cops and have them

busted! I know where their studio is!

Or better yet, let's sue! You can sue

them, Steve-Dave!

STEVE-DAVE

(still reading note)

That won't be necessary.

WALT:

What?! Why the hell not!

STEVE-DAVE

(holds up check)

Because this is a check for three

times what that window cost.

(reading note)

.Dear critics - thanks for the

insight. But like my grandmother

always said - .F*** 'em if they can't

take a joke.. and break their window.'

Kiss it,Banky the Hack.

P.S. - Your card game blows..

WALT:

He said .Kiss it.!

CREDITS:

INT. COMIC BOOK:
CONVENTION SIGNING BOOTH - DAY

A physically large FAN - sweaty brow, tote bag bursting

with comics - leans forward, smiling.

FAN:

Could you sign it .To a really big

fan.!

Holden sits at a table. Across from the barely-managing-

to-stand Fan. He offers him a patronizingly kind, half-

smile in return,

HOLDEN:

You bet.

We're at a Comic Book show, specifically at a book-

signing. Behind Holden hangs a large banner, heralding

HOLDEN McNEIL AND BANKY EDWARDS -

CREATORS OF .BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC'. Beside it is a large

mock-up of the comic book cover which features two stoner

super-heroes who bear a

striking resemblance to a pair of very familiar friendly

neighborhood drug

dealers, Holden hands the book back to the Fan.

FAN:

I love this book man! This sh*t's

awesome. I wish I was like these guys

- getting stoned, talking all raw

aboutchicks and fighting

supervillains! I love these guys!

They're like .Cheech and Chong' meet

.Bill and fed'!

HOLDEN:

I like to chink of them as

.Rosencrantz and Guildenstern' meet

.Vladimir and Estragon'.

FAN:

Yeah!

(beat)

Who!

BANKY signs the book of another COLLECTOR.

COLLECTOR:

So you draw this!

BANKY:

(signing the comic)

I ink it and I'm also the colorist.

The guy next to me draws it. But we

both came up with the characters,

COLLECTOR:

What's that mean - you .ink it'!

BANKY:

Well. It means that Holden draws the

pictures in pencil, and then he gives

it to me to go over in ink

COLLECTOR:

So you just trace!

Banky freezes up. He composes himself and continues

signing.

BANKY:

It's not tracing. I add depth and

shading to give the image mere

definition. Only then does the drawing

really take shape.

COLLECTOR:

You go over what he draws with a pen -

that's tracing.

BANKY:

(hands book back to

Collector)

Not really.

(calling out)

Next!

A LITTLE KID steps up but the Collector lingers.

COLLECTOR:

Hey man. If somebody draws something

and then you draw the same thing right

on top of it, not going out-side the

designated original art what do call

that!

LITTLE KID:

(shrugs)

I don't know. Tracing?

COLLECTOR:

(to Banky)

See?

BANKY:

It's not tracing.

COLLECTOR:

Oh, but it is.

BANKY:

(to Little Kid)

Do you want Lour book signed or what?

COLLECTOR:

Hey - don't get all testy with him

just because you have a problem with

your station in life.

BANKY:

I'm secure with what I do.

COLLECTOR:

Then say it - you're a tracer.

BANKY:

(grabbing Little Kid's book)

How should I sign this?

LITTLE KID:

(grabs book back)

I don't want you to sign it, I want

the guy that draws Bluntman and

Chronic to sign it. You're just a

tracer.

COLLECTOR:

Tell him, Little Shaver.

Holden accepts a comic from another Fan.

HOLDEN:

(off comic)

Who do I sign it to!

Before Holden can finish, a loud crash is heard. He

looks to his left and freaks.

Banky is throttling the Collector from across the table.

The Collector attempts to fight him off. SECURITY GUARDS

pull them apart. Holden grabs Banky.

COLLECTOR:

Jesus! All I did was call him a

tracer!

BANKY:

(to Collector)

I'LL TRACE A CHALK LINE AROUND YOUR

DEAD F***ING BODY, YOU F***?!

HOLDEN:

(to Security Guard)

Could you get him out of here!

The Security Guards drag the collector away.

COLLECTOR:

Hey, wait a sec! He jumped me! And

you're dragging me away!!

(exiting)

F***ing tracer!

BANKY:

(calling OC)

YOUR MOTHER'S A TRACER!!

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