Chasing Amy Page #2

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HOLDEN:

Can I explain the audience principle

to you! If you insult and accost

them, then we have no audience.

BANKY:

He started it! F***ing cock-knocker!

He's lucky I didn't put my pen through

his thorax!

HOLDEN:

Need I remind you...

(holds up watch)

Curtain's in ten minutes.

INT. COMIC BOOK CONVENTION LECTURE HALL - DAY

HOOPER fills the frame. He comes off like a typical, pro-

black/anti-white homeboy.

HOOPER:

For years in this industry whenever an

African-American character - hero or

villain - was introduced usually by

white artists and writers - they got

slapped with racist names that singled

them out as negroes: Black Panther,

Black Lightning, Black Goliath, Black

Mantra, Black Talon, Black Spider,

Black Hand, Black Falcon, Black Cat..

VOICE FROM CROWD

She's white.

HOOPER:

She is?

(beat)

Well bust this - regardless.

We're at a panel discussion. The room is full. Five

creators sit at a long table, their names on placards in

front of them.

(One of them is a very striking Girl.) The banner behind

them reads .WORDS UP - MINORITY VOICES IN COMICS'.

HOOPER:

(holds up comic)

Now my book, .White-Hating Coon',

doesn't have any of that bullshit. The

hero's name is Maleekwa, and he's a

descendant of the black tribe that

established the first society on the

planet, while all you European mother

f***ers were still hiding in caves and

sh*t, all terrified of the sun. He's a

strong role model that a young black

reader can look up to, .Cause I'm here

to tell you - the chickens are comin'

home to roost, ya'll: the black man's

no longer gonna play the minstrel in

the medium of comics and Sci-

Fi/Fantasy! We're keeping it real,

and we're gonna get respect -

by any means necessary!

During the speech, Holden and Banky enter and sit up

front.

HOLDEN:

(calling out)

Bullshit! Lando Calrissian was a

black man, and he got to fly the

Millennium Falcon!

Hooper whips his head around, looking for the source of

the comment

HOOPER:

Who said that?!?

HOLDEN:

(standing)

I did! Lando Calrissian is a positive

black role model in the realm of

Science Fiction/Fantasy.

HOOPER:

F*** Lando Calrissian! Uncle Tom

n*gger! Always some white boy gotta

invoke .the holy trilogy'! Bust this -

those movies are about how the white

man keeps the brother man down - even

in a galaxy far, far away. Check

this sh*t. You got cracker farm-boy

Luke Skywalker, Nazi poster boy -

blond hair, blue eyes.

And then you've gotDarth

Vader:
the blackest brother in the

galaxy. Nubian God.

BANKY:

What's a Nubian?

HOOPER:

Shut the f*** up! Now Vader, he's a

spiritual brother, with the force and

all that sh*t. Then this cracker

Skywalker gets his hands on a light-

saber, and the boy decides he's

gonna run the f***ing universe - gets

a whole Klan of whites together, and

they're gonna bust up Vader's .hood

the Death Star. Now what the f*** do

you call that!

BANKY:

Intergalactic Civil War!

HOOPER:

Gentrification. They're gonna drive

our the black element, to make the

galaxy quote, unquote .safe' for white

folks.

HOLDEN:

But Vader turns, out to be Luke's

father. And in Jedi, they become

friends.

HOOPER:

Don't make me bust a cap in your ass,

yo! Jedi's the most insulting

installment, because Vader's

beautiful,black visage is

sullied when he pulls off his mask to

reveal a feeble, crusty white man!

They're trying to tell us that deep

inside, we all want to be white!

BANKY:

Well isn't that true!

Hooper explodes, He pulls a nine millimeter from his

belt, draws on Banky and fires. Banky goes down, falling

forward into the crowd The crowd screams and starts to

scatter, Hooper jumps over the table and raises his fists

in the air.

HOOPER:

BLACK RAGE! BLACK RAGE!! I'LL KILL

ANY WHITE FOLKS I LAY MY MOTHER

F***IN' EYES ON!!!

The crowd-is gone. Holden sits in his chair, laughing.

Hooper steps off the stage and picks Banky's head up off

the floor.

HOOPER:

(breaking character)

.What's a Nubian!' B*tch, you almost

made me laugh!

Hooper sounds different Actually, he sounds gay.

Actually - he is. Banky smiles.

BANKY:

Well what about you! You didn't tell

me you were going to scream .Black

Rage'. I nearly pissed myself.

HOLDEN:

How do you manage to get away with

this all the time? Shouldn't cops be

busting your head open right about

now?

BANKY:

Wrong coast.

HOOPER:

(off gun)

Well this right here - she full of

blanks, okay. And Opiate gets all

sorts of legal clearances before I go

on.

HOLDEN:

Your publisher condones these

theatrics!

HOOPER:

Condones? Honey, they insist. I need

to sell the image to sell the book

Would the audience still buy the

.Black Rage' angle if they found out

the book was written by a.. a...

BANKY:

F*ggot.

HOOPER:

When you say if it sounds so sexy...

(he kisses Banky full on the

lips)

BANKY:

(wipes his lips)

Hey, hey! I'll play your victim, but

not your catcher.

VOICE:

How is it that you sound like Minister

Farakhan when you're on stage..

They turn to see...

A beautiful, blonde, ruffled-haired angel swinging her

purse in a circle. Her name is ALYSSA. She's the

striking Girl from the panel who didn't get to say much.

ALYSSA:

...and the King of Pop when you're

nor.

HOOPER:

Look out, boys - this kitten has a

whip.

ALYSSA:

(shoves and slaps him)

Always before I get to speak! I swear

- the next con I attend and they ask

me to be on the minority panel, if I

see your name anywhere near the List,

I'm passing.

HOOPER:

(defending himself)

Holden. Banky - this pile of P.M.S.

is Alyssa Jones. She does that book

.Idiosyncratic Routine'. This is the

fourth panel we've been on together,

and even though she knows my publisher

sets this up and pays for the event.

She still gets mad when it ends with

my act.

ALYSSA:

I just wish I was the one who gets to

shoot you.

HOOPER:

That's what my father said when I came

- nay - leapt out of the closet

(off guys)

These boys do .Bluntman and Chronic',

which outsells both of our books put

together, hence they're never on a

panel with the likes of us. They

slumming right now.

BANKY:

I've read your book. It's cute.

Chick stuff, but cute.

Holden hits him.

BANKY:

What?

HOLDEN:

(shoots him a look; to

Alyssa)

Sorry about him. He's dealing with

being an inker.

ALYSSA:

(to Banky)

Oh. You trace!

Banky seethes.

HOLDEN:

(shaking her hand)

I really enjoy your book I'm surprised

we've never met at any other Con's

before.

ALYSSA:

Lose the dick or change your skin tone

and we can get to know each other on

panel after panel while the Pink Black

Panther here plays Chuck D. for the

fanboys.

HOOPER:

Hey, jealousy.

(to the Boys)

I told Alyssa I'd buy her a post-rave

drink. Do the Garden-Staters have to

sprint to the Lincoln Tunnel, or can

you stay for a round in the big, scary

city!

BANKY:

We're gonna take off soon...

HOLDEN:

We'll go.

Banky offers Holden a puzzled glance. Then he nods to

Hooper.

BANKY:

We'll go.

INT BAR - NIGHT

Holden, Banky, Alyssa and Hooper sir around a table

drinking, talking, and smoking.

BANKY:

Archie, alright! Archie and the

Riverdale gang were a pure and fun-

lovin' bunch. You can't find

dysfunction in those comics, because

they were just flat out wholesome.

HOOPER:

Archie and Jughead were lovers.

(sips his drink)

BANKY:

Shut the f*** up.

HOOPER:

It's true. Archie was the b*tch and

Jughead was the butch - that's why

Jughead wears that crown-looking hat

all the time:
he the king, of queen

Archie's world.

BANKY:

Man, I feel a hate-crime coming on

HOLDEN:

He's got a point. Archie never did

settle on Betty or Veronica.

BANKY:

Because he wanted them both at the

same time, you a**holes! He never

chose one because he was trying to get

both of them into a three-way!

HOOPER:

(pulls out a dollar and hands

it to Banky)

Here. I want you to go down to the

corner store and buy yourself a clue.

Go on.

BANKY:

Eat it. Urkel.

HOOPER:

I told you to watch it with that Urkel

sh*t. Face it, girl - Archie's a

sister.

BANKY:

(getting up; to Hooper)

That's it. You.

HOOPER:

Moi?

BANKY:

You are marching back across the

street with me, and we're going to

pick up a sh*t load of Archie books, I

am going to prove to you - beyond the

shadow of a doubt that Archie was all

about p*ssy. Come on.

HOOPER:

(sliding out of booth)

This boy is conflicted, I shall play

mother-therapist for him. You two sit

tight. We shall return promptly.

Banky and Hooper exit, leaving Alyssa and Holden alone at

the table.

ALYSSA:

Is he always Like that!

HOLDEN:

For years now. Started back in third

grade - a nun was teaching us about

the Blessed Trinity. She's going on

about the three persons in one God

thing - Father, Son, Holy Spirit - and

he just goes ballistic. I guess it

was too big for him to grasp. They

got into this huge fight.

ALYSSA:

Please. How bad could it have been!

HOLDEN:

You ever seen a nun call a small child

a .f***ing c*nt-rag'? Wasn't pretty,

Sh*t like that's bound to happen when

you make a kid wear a matching tie and

slacks everyday.

ALYSSA:

And your parochial school

misadventures!

HOLDEN:

Limited to wine-tasting prior to mass.

Turned me into a grade school

alcoholic altar boy. I couldn't tell

you how many mornings after serous

bendersI'd wake up next

to strange priests.

ALYSSA:

Aren't you the sharp wit!

HOLDEN:

Sharp! No. I'm just a fan of clergy-

molestation humor. Probably why the

extended family quit inviting me to

First Communion parties.

Alyssa laughs. Holden smiles.

ALYSSA:

(looking OC)

You play darts!

HOLDEN:

Not professionally. You know - only

in bars.

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