Chasing Amy Page #3

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AT THE DART BOARD

A dart hits the board then, one hits the wall beside the

board.

Alyssa winds up with another dart. Holden watches. Her's

always hit. His never do.

ALYSSA:

So your new book seems to be selling

like mad.

HOLDEN:

It goes back to something my

grandmother told me when I was a kid.

"Holden," she said "The big bucks are

in dick and fart jokes." She was a

church-goer.

ALYSSA:

Uh-oh - the cry from the heart of a

real artist trapped in commercial hell

- pitying his good fortune. I'm sure

you can dry your eyes on all those fat

checks you rake in.

HOLDEN:

I'm sorry - did I detect a note of

bitter envy in there!

ALYSSA:

Nope. I'm happy my stuff gets read at

all. There's very little market for

hearts and flowers in this spandex-

clad, big pecs, big tits, big guns

field. If I sell two issues, I feel

like John Grisham.

HOLDEN:

(looking out window)

It's all about marketing. Over- or

underweight guys who don't get laid -

they're our bread and butter. People

like those two outside should be

yours.

Through the window, we see a COUPLE making out on the

hood of a car.

HOLDEN:

And sadly, there are more of our core

audience out there than yours.

(smiles)

Look at that, though - kind of gives

you a little charge, to see two people

in love. And all over Banky's car, no

less. That car's seeing more action

right now than it's seen in years.

ALYSSA:

Bubbly guy like that, it's hard to

figure out why.

HOLDEN:

(still looking at OC Couple)

You've gotta respect that kind of

display of affection. It's crazy,

rude, self-absorbed - but it's love.

ALYSSA:

That's not love.

HOLDEN:

Says you.

ALYSSA:

That out there! That's fleeting.

HOLDEN:

Fleeting.

ALYSSA:

Uh-huh. You wanna hear about love!

Oh, I'll tell you about love.

HOLDEN:

A story?

ALYSSA:

The story. The original love story.

HOLDEN:

'Doctor Zhivago'.

ALYSSA:

Nope. My mother's uncle. He was a

millionaire.

HOLDEN:

Get out.

ALYSSA:

I kid you not.

HOLDEN:

Explain.

ALYSSA:

All through high school, he dated this

one girl. They were inseparable.

And when they graduated, she went off

to Carnegie Mellon...

HOLDEN:

In Pittsburgh.

ALYSSA:

I'm impressed. So he stays in the

home town, and they begin their long-

distance relationship. The plan is,

on the third Sunday of every month,

he'll train out, spend a week then

train back They do this for four

years.

HOLDEN:

That is love.

ALYSSA:

Not nearly finished. Two months

before she's going to graduate, he's

got this job digging graves, and he

comes across...

HOLDEN:

A stiff.

ALYSSA:

A steamer trunk containing silver

ingots.

HOLDEN:

Get out of here.

ALYSSA:

Many, many silver ingots. Now, my

mother's uncle being quite the

ingenious chap - he buries the trunk

again and heads up to the main office,

where he proceeds to purchase a

cemetery plot. Guess which one?

HOLDEN:

Clever.

ALYSSA:

So now he owns the plot and all of its

contents. Two days later, my

mother's uncle is worth three million.

HOLDEN:

At which time he marries the high

school sweetheart and lives happily

ever after.

ALYSSA:

Not even close. Inside the steamer

trunk, stenciled into the wood, or

something like that, is a curse.

HOLDEN:

Someone wrote 'F***' inside his new

steamer trunk.

ALYSSA:

Not that kind of curse. A cryptic

curse "Great fortune means great loss"

it said.

HOLDEN:

What kind of a**hole writes that

inside a steamer trunk!

ALYSSA:

The same kind of a**hole that buries

silver ingots. The day my mother's

uncle is heading out to see the girl,

he stops at his accountant's to grab

some cash, and winds up missing his

train. So he has to take the next one

- which he does - and he gets there an

hour later than his usual time of

arrival, whereupon he sees lights.

HOLDEN:

A hero's welcome for the new

millionaire.

ALYSSA:

It seems that while she was standing

on the platform waiting that extra

hour for my mother's uncle to show up,

the girl was dragged into the bushes

by an unknown assailant, raped and

gutted.

Holden is silent Alyssa downs her drink.

ALYSSA:

The assailant was never apprehended.

HOLDEN:

(beat)

That's a love story!!

ALYSSA:

Yes, and here's why: my mother's uncle

rode that train every day for the rest

of his life. One day up, the next day

back. Did that 'till the day he died.

He donated the fortune he'd acquired

to the train station in Pittsburgh, to

have a well-lit terminal built.

The train line let him ride for free

after that.

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