Cheaper by the Dozen

Good morning, Tom.

Twelve is our number.

It's the number of games my husband Tom

coaches at Lincoln College every season.

It's the number of times we zero out our

bank account each year to make ends meet.

And it's the number ofkids

we try to keep track of.

Hey. Good run?

Oh, yeah.

You need a paramedic?

No,just a pair of knees.

You finish?

Still proofing, but I'm sending it

to Diane today.

Look at this.

New, clean cover...

no peanut butter stains...

yet.

- Hey, baby?

- Baby?

You know, on the run,

you know what I was thinking?

What?

Well, we've been married,

what, five years?

- Twenty-three.

- Twenty-three. Sorry.

And I think we could use

a little change around here...

like-like this

lumpy old mattress.

- Maybe we should just,

you know, get rid of it.

Don't be ridiculous, honey. You know you

can just pound the lumps out of a mattress.

What-What do you mean? You can just

pound the lumps out of a mattress?

Yeah,just randomly

start swatting away.

- And it goes flat?

- Yes, yes.

Just start- You just randomly

start swatting-

Careful.

- I got a dog on me!

- Twelve's an insane number ofkids...

but having a small family

was never an option for us.

See, Tom loved growing up

with seven brothers and sisters.

And after my sister died,

I spent most of my time...

wishing I had

seven brothers and sisters.

Tom and I met at

Illinois Polytechnic University.

He was a senior dreaming ofbecoming

the head football coach there.

I was a freshman dreaming

ofbecoming a sports reporter.

He wanted eight kids,

I wanted eight kids. Bam.

An hour after I met him,

I knew he was the one.

Wejust had family

at the wedding.

Oh, and Shake Maguire,

Tom's best man.

What a hot dog.

Ayear later,

we had our first- Nora.

I loved taking her

to work with me.

After Charlie and Lorraine were born, we

realized our dream ofliving in the city...

- and having eight kids and

two careers wasn't gonna work.

As much as we wanted our big careers,

we wanted our big family more.

So Tom settled for a Division llI

coaching job at Lincoln...

I quit writing for the Tribune,

and we moved to the country.

Tom and I got busy

when we moved to Midland.

We had Henry, Sarah,Jake and Mark

in consecutive years.

Then we went for magic number eight,

and instead...

we got the first set

of fraternal twins-Jessica and Kim.

- Nine kids.

- Come on, you guys. Come on.

Wave! Hi!

With each child, Tom and I got further

from our big career dreams.

But we didn't think about that.

Yeah!

Oh. Sorry, Coach.

We had our hands full with nine.

We were happy, and we were done.

Then we went to a party celebrating

Shake Maguire's appointment...

to athletic director

at our alma mater.

And, well, too many beers and nine

months later, we had Mike.

After that,

Tom got a vasectomy.

But he didn't hear the doctor say

that it would be a few weeks...

before the procedure

became effective.

In '98, Nigel and Kyle got us

to that crazy number 12.

But by then, Tom and I

were experts at managing chaos.

- Let's move, gang.

Come on, come on, come on!

- Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo!

- Charlie missed his curfew again last night. Take care of that.

Hey.

You can only put on

so much lip gloss, princess!

- You blew my concentration!

- Temper, Sarah.

Now I get to start

all over again.

- Wrap it up, Lorraine!

- Okay, Daddy.!

Have you seen my frog, Dad?

Sorry, Charlie.

Uh, Nigel. Kyle.

- It's Mark.

- I knew that.

Hey, teenager. You got caught

on Mom radar last night.

You're not gonna get that scholarship

if you're out late with Beth...

the night before a big game.

Well, I'm not so sure

I even want to go to college.

Since when?

Since Beth's mom offered me

a job at the auto shop.

Hmm. Sounds exciting.

Well, we'll talk about that

after you get your full ride.

And, meanwhile, in by 10:00

on school nights. Clear?

- Got it.

- Anything else you wanna talk about?

Did I mention

I don't like you very much?

- Yeah, you mentioned that.

- Then I'm good.

Okay, me too.

Dude, two words:

need new skates.

Dude, three words:

paper route.

"Hi. Can't make dinner. Hank and I

are moving into our new apartment.

Love, Nora. "

- Have you seen Beans, Mom?

- Mm-mm.

- Here you go, Gunner.

- You hungry, boy?

Here you go, Gunner.

Are you hungry?

Look, I am totally aware that

this family doesn't value...

self-presentation in the same

obsessive way that I do.

Fine. Whatever.

But one of my life goals...

aside from being, like,

a fashion guru...

is to indicate to

the local community that...

the Baker family

actually owns a bar of soap.

So, as self-appointed in-house

rep of style and hygiene...

I think I should be allotted at least five

extra minutes in front of the mirror.

- Three.

- Done.

Now help your sister

butter the toast.

Sarah, your suspension from lacrosse

for excessive force has been lifted.

So you're going today. Henry,

you have band practice, all right?

I cleaned your clarinet. Please don't

play with food in your mouth again.

Kim and Jessica, your teacher called

and has made a request...

that you do not correct her

in front of the class.

Mike,you have show-and-tell today.

And, please, honey...

remember that body parts

do not count.

Kyle and Nigel, you have a dentist's appointment

at 3:
00. You're goin' to work with Dad.

Yeah!

- And we're shooting

our Christmas card today.

- What time's Nora coming over?

- Uh, she may not make it.

She hardly ever comes home since

she started dating that doorknob.

- He's not a doorknob.

- The man irons his jeans, Mom.

- Yeah, that's weird.

- Never mind.

I'll shoot it without her.

I'll Photoshop her in.

Honey, could you take 10 pounds

off me with that Photoshop thing?

- Can I be Photoshopped in?

- Wait. If Sarah's bein' Photoshopped in...

- then I'm definitely gonna get

Photoshopped in. - Why don't we all be-

Nobody gets Photoshopped in but Nora.

Everybody be here by 4:00.

Why do we always do

our Christmas cards in May anyway?

Because the earlier we get it done,

the bigger discount we get at the printer.

Now, let's eat.!

Here you go.

Look alive.

No, Mark!

Get him!

- Come on.! Get him, Charlie.!

- He's headed for the waffles.!

- I got him, Charlie.! I got him.!

- Come to Daddy.! Come on.!

Mike, stick!

- Mark, net!

- I got the door covered!

I got the net!

- Whoa!

- Ooh!

Uh-oh. Busted.

Put Beans in his cage...

now.

Is everything broken?

Teacup with

the flower on it broken?

Nice move, FedEx.

Okay, here we go,

everyone. School. Let's go.

Hey.

Much cooler.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Henry, here you go.

- Thanks, Mom.

For the record, I am so over Nora's

hand-me-downs.

All right, well, you look gorgeous

in anything, Lorraine.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's goin' on?

What's wrong with you, mister?

Everybody says

the FedEx guy dropped me off...

'cause I don't fit in

with this family.

You fit.

You fit right here.

- Like that.

- I called shotgun.!

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