Chopping Mall

Stop right there!

Stop right there

and surrender your weapon.

Now you'll see...

Ladies and gentlemen, that concludes

the film portion of our presentation.

I'm sure you all

have questions.

So let me introduce you

to the head of development

For Secure-Tronics

unlimited...

Dr. Stan Simon.

Thank you very much.

Before I open the floor, I'd like you all

to meet your brand-New security team...

the protector 101

series robots.

One week from tonight

at closing,

The protectors will begin

their patrol of the mall.

Paul, they look like

the three stooges.

Each assigned to one of

the three upper shopping levels.

I don't know, Mary, the one in the

middle has an unpleasantly ethnic quality.

Now, are there

any questions?

Yes, dr. Carrington.

So what do your machines there

do besides kill criminals?

First of all,

the protectors do not kill.

I wonder if they

kill cockroaches.

They could probably

be programmed to.

And merely detain intruders

until the computer,

Located on the roof, can patch

into the mall phone system

And send the alarm

to the police.

I don't know. That guy

looked awfully dead to me.

Just neutralized. Protectors

can achieve this function

In a number of ways.

At close range, sleep darts

fired from here and here

Can knock a man out

in less than 30 seconds.

However, the likelihood

of an intruder gaining entry

Is greatly minimized

by the steel security doors

Which are time-Locked

from midnight 'til dawn.

Um, they seem so violent.

If they're called protectors,

what do they protect?

Plenty. For starters,

as seen in the film,

The protectors do their work in the mall

proper, not in the stores themselves.

Maybe we could use one

at the restaurant...

get rid of people

we don't like.

For instance, lasers

positioned here

Can cut through

any sort of debris.

Well, that's all very well and good,

but what about those who work late?

How can your... things there distinguish

between the good guys and the bad guys?

That's very simple.

Watch.

This is Simon.

Bring number one on-Line.

Whoa!

Wow!

May I see your

identification badge, please?

It's scanning.

They remind me of your mother.

It's the laser eyes.

thank you. Have a nice day.

Same to you.

There. You see?

The system is

absolutely foolproof.

Now, everyone connected with the

mall has been issued an I.D. Badge

So that when the mechanism

goes on-Line,

The protectors will make park

plaza the safest mall in the state.

Trust me.

Absolutely nothing

can go wrong.

Ow!

Are you all right?

Coffee?

Come on, sweetheart!

Give it to me! What do you got? Andiamo!

Can I get two uncle Luigi

belly busters, a double anchovy pizza

And an order

of garlic logs?

Gross. What Mojave brain

ordered that? Guy over there.

Oh, god. I should've known.

That orca beaches here every night.

Always trying to snag some skin.

Play it safe, Alison. Serve at

arm's length, if you get my drift.

Thanks for the advice.

Yeah.

Sh*t!

Oh, honey, you

breakin' my heart.

Look, Alison, in about

an hour and a half...

we bail this barbecue and

it's good times to the max.

You've got to show. Suzie,

you've got a one-Track mind.

I already told you,

I don't know anybody.

Yeah, but you will after tonight.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Would I set you up with

a slime dog or something?

No way, "babe. "

it is babe, isn't it?

Come on, come on!

Take it while it's hot.

Girls, come on! Yeah,

all right, all right.

Waitress, more butter.

Attention, shoppers.

In the next half hour, everything

in our drapery department

Will be marked down

30 percent.

Your attention, please.

Your attention, please.

We have a lost child in lingerie

answering to the name of Steve.

If my uncle finds out

I let you do this, I'm dead.

Don't tell me, Freddie. Are you

going chicken-Sh*t on us again?

We already agreed.

He trusts me to take care

of the store while he's gone.

He ain't gonna know diddly

unless you tell him.

You ain't gonna

tell him, are ya?

Don't force me

to pull rank.

Oh, I'm shaking.

You know, Brennan, you're becoming

a real candidate for prick hood.

What?

Look, guys,

This party is gonna happen,

but we need a little teamwork.

Besides, if the place looks like

sh*t on Monday, it's all our asses.

You got the beer?

Correct.

Come on. Dude!

The fridge is packed. Good. Rick

and Linda are bringing the food.

Clean sheets are

definitely waiting.

And, uh, Suzie...

Suzie has

a surprise for you.

I don't know, guys.

Come on, Ferdy.

Forget about your uncle awhile.

This is gonna work, okay?

Ferdy, you can't

back out on us now.

Okay, okay, let's party.

All right.

First I gotta find

Mrs. Flanagan's fuchsia

You find

Mrs. Flanagan's fuchsia.

You, you hold down the fort. I will.

I'm gonna go find Leslie.

I'm sure you will.

Quack, quack.

Greg, I...

Ferdy,

Don't worry.

I can't find the fuchsia.

Ah, f*** the fuchsia.

It's Friday.

Tell the old bag to wait.

Okay. Give it a try.

Strike three, Walden.

You're out.

My turn.

It's okay.

I got it, I got it.

You know the rules, buster.

Into the cab.

Okay, butch. You know I can't

resist it when you get tough.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just crank it when I tell ya.

Well? We're waiting.

Just a sec, huh?

All right. Hit it.

Always the first time.

I don't want to hear it,

not another word.

Me? No way.

I covered this whole deal when I

said, "for better or worse," remember?

Of course I remember.

Who could forget that 40-Weight

stain right there on your chest?

Should've been

"for better or weird. "

And speaking about weird, what

about this furniture store...

come on, Walden.

Indulge me.

We haven't had any fun since we sunk

all our wedding money into the business.

Besides, Suzie's

counting on us.

Honey, I don't care about...

okay. Okay, okay.

I guess I won't

be needing this.

Or, um,

Will I?

Attention,

shoppers. Attention, shoppers.

Park plaza will be closed

in 20 minutes.

The mall will be closing

in 20 minutes.

The lower parking levels

will be closed at 10:00.

Attention, please. Mr. Brad

Trevoy to the information kiosk.

you horny bastard.

can't you wait?

No. No, I can't.

What can't you

wait for, Michael?

Mr. Todd.

Uh, well, I...

uh, I was just telling

Leslie here that, uh,

Uh,

Well, that, uh...

daddy.

He was just telling me how he couldn't

wait to take me to Suzie's house tonight

For her, um,

birthday party.

I see.

Well, I'm running late.

You lock up?

Sure, I'll take care

of everything.

Yes.

I'm sure you will.

Okay, daddy.

I love you too. Bye.

So, what he say? He said,

"go out and have a good time.

All right!

That is bitchin'.

I wish I had it that easy. My

parents still think I'm a kid.

Why do I have the feeling I'm

gonna regret this in the morning?

Look, Alison, you've had

yourself a very rough first week.

You owe yourself

a little blowout.

Come on.

It'll be fun.

Okay, just so long as I don't

have to look at any more pizza.

You won't. I promise. Oh, great!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes