Class

Well, we're here.

Yeah, we are.

Oh, you just look so grown-up

in that new jacket. You do.

- OK, Bones, take care.

- Now...

here is your bus ticket.

- Jonathon!

- Argh!

- Take care of yourself.

- I will.

Call us when you get there, OK?

Dad.

- See you over the holidays.

- Oh, I'm so proud of you!

Mom.

Hi. How you doin'?

- (boy) Check out that geek.

- (laughter)

- Nice jacket!

- How are things on Neptune?

Nice. Real nice.

- How you doin'?

- Welcome aboard, stranger.

Great, douche bag.

Yeah.

Another year, another idiot.

(# "Overnite" by Toymuzic )

# You'll be stayin' here with me tonight

# You're gonna love me overnight

Entrez.

- Hey! You must be Jonathon!

- Yeah.

Squire Franklin Burroughs IV.

Call me Skip.

- Hi, Skip.

- I'll give you a hand with it.

What the hell you got in here?

A dead body?

I got my books,

my clothes, that kinda thing.

Last year we had a guy smuggled

his girlfriend up here in one of these.

- Yeah?

- He lost the key.

By the time he found it, she was dead.

Really?

- Just kidding.

- Oh!

- Welcome to Vernon Academy.

- Good one.

This is your side of the room.

You only have to wear

this rag on duty days.

- Nobody said anything. I thought we...

- Make yourself at home.

So, where are you from?

Where'd you go to school?

Well... I grew up in Pittsburgh,

went to public school there for about...

Holy sh*t, we're late!

Late?

Mm, how about these? Great, huh?

You know, these a**holes,

they all go to Neiman Marcus,

but I found this outrageous boutique,

Henri's. It's great stuff, huh?

Yeah.

You know, if these things don't

win first prize, there is no God!

- Well, hurry up and change.

- Change?

Jeez, I forgot.

You've never been to prep school.

Uh-uh.

You must think I'm pretty weird, huh?

- Well...

- Look, look, this is a Vernon tradition.

Every year, the seniors have to parade

around wearing women's underwear.

It's supposed to teach us humility. The

seniors give the squits sh*t all year long,

and this is their one chance

to laugh at us.

Oh! I get it.

- You thought...

- Yeah.

Come on, this is a tradition.

Jeez, what are you gonna do?

- Oh, no, I'll just stay here and unpack.

- Let me think.

- Jenny!

- Jenny? Hey. Hey.

Let's see. Ah! We're in luck!

- Mementoes.

- I don't wanna dress up in women's...

- You're not gettin' mine.

- I don't want yours.

Granted, you won't win any prizes,

but at least you won't be embarrassed.

Get changed.

Come on.

- Come on.

- I can't!

Come on!

Would you hurry up, man!

We gotta go! We're late!

Come on. You look great. Let's go.

- Hey, guys!

- Look at her!

- Skip?! Skip?!

- You look great! You look great!

Nice ass you got there, babe!

Ooh, black! My favourite colour!

They love you!

Hey, turn around. Oh, look at those tits!

(chanting) Show your tits! Show your tits!

Hey, where'd you get that outfit?

It's Frank-N-Furter!

- Whoa!

- Gotcha!

- (boy #1 ) Hey, you've really fallen for him!

- (boy #2) I'm gettin' a gigantic soft-on!

It's the weenie in the bikini!

Sh*t!

(chanting) We want more! We want more!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry,

I know it was a lousy thing to do.

Look, don't take it personally.

It really is a tradition.

Somebody falls for it every year.

No hard feelings, OK? Look, it was

just a prank. Don't take it personally.

OK?

We're roommates. We're gonna be

together for a whole year. Truce?

Truce.

(French accent) There she is again.

I think I'm in love with you.

- Hey, sweetheart.

- (Jonathon) Yeah.

- Hello, miss, is your dance card filled?

- I think she's in the wrong john.

- Lights!

- (boys) F*** you, Roscoe!

I said lights, nipple nose!

That's Mr Nipple Nose to you, Maybaum!

Shh! Quiet, here comes the walrus man.

- Good evening, Mr Maybaum.

- Good evening, sir.

- All present and accounted for.

- Hmm.

- Well, good night, then, Mr Maybaum.

- Good night, sir.

One more thing. If you have any trouble

with the boys smoking, let me know.

OK?

Good night.

(# "Holiday in Cambodia"

by the Dead Kennedys)

Hey, there he is.

Hey, look, there's the geek in the lingerie.

It's the guy in the woman's underwear!

Ladies and gentlemen,

the lovely April P*ssy.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Vernon.

- Hi, darling!

- Hey, Jonathon, over here!

(French accent) Let me take you

away from all this, my darling!

- He cries real tears.

- Come here. Sit here.

Oh, let me wipe those tears!

- Oh, God, what a tool.

- We're talkin' megadork.

Shut up!

- What is going on over there?

- They pulled the underwear gag on him.

- (jeering)

- (laughter)

- Going to change into your bra?

- Don't forget to write!

I'm tellin' you, that guy's a wimp.

Hey, look, Jonathon,

I think you've been ma...

Oh, my God.

Jesus!

Jesus!

I dunno why he'd do it! Jesus,

I dunno why he did it, it was just a joke!

Hung himself!

I dunno why he did it, but it's my fault...

(siren)

Is this meant to amuse me,

Mr Burroughs?

Quiet!

Stop by my office

about eight in the morning.

You think about what you've done,

and I'll think about what I'm going to do.

Oh, and, um... please invite

your dead roommate.

All right, show's over.

(laughter)

I'm sorry. It was a lousy thing to do. But I

was so humiliated I just had to kill myself.

Oh, just a prank, just a prank.

No hard feelings, huh? Truce.

Truce.

I'm not really ready for this conversation.

I usually have at least a month

before I am faced with

students in women's underwear,

or an artist's rendering of my persona

dangling from the rafters.

We're only in the first week, gentlemen.

It's frightening to imagine what

could happen by Christmas, isn't it?

- Yes, sir.

- Yes, sir.

That was rhetorical, boys. I like to give

everybody one chance to screw up.

I think we can assume

you've each had yours now.

I hope this is the last such conversation

I'll have with you until the end of the year.

- No ifs, ands, or buts. Is that clear?

- (both) Yes, sir.

- We really gotta watch it.

- We've gotta straighten up.

- Be responsible. Toe the line.

- Gotta clean up our act. Absolutely.

They're never gonna sell it to us.

It's never gonna work.

- We're gonna get busted.

- Shh. Relax.

Which one of you youngsters

is planning to buy this?

- I am.

- Oh, really? How old are you, son?

You did it!

I'm astounded by your brilliance

and the magnitude of your gall.

Yeah, so am I.

This is something I've never told anyone,

so you've gotta swear to me

what you hear will not leave this room.

Swear to God.

- OK.

- Swear to God!

OK.

I killed a guy.

Yeah? (laughs)

- I mean it, Jonathon.

- Me, too.

Last year, uh, I was in Montego Bay

with some friends.

And we were all in this bar.

And I met this gorgeous girl.

She takes me back to her place,

and then some huge guy

had a gun to my head.

And my gorgeous gal,

she's going through my pockets.

I must've been drunk,

cos I kicked the guy in the balls.

And I went for the gun, and then the next

thing I know, there's this huge explosion.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes